Heard the babies heartbeats this afternoon. Made me melt. The nurse found them super fast. Baby A cooperated nicely.... Baby B was wiggling around a bit but found him super fast.
Can't wait to see them on the sonogram next week!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
Pregnancy is not glamorous
So one thing I have learned about pregnancy in general is that it is pretty much the most unglamorous thing in the world. The ads with pregnant women in them are about as realistic as the Victoria's Secret models. Beautiful well put together soon to be mama's with perfect hair and skin glowing looking down while holding her perfect baby bump. Reality is a real pregnant woman is nothing like this woman.
Real pregnant women... As I have observed and now experienced
1. Have dark circles under their eyes because they are so tired
2. Have pale dull skin because they can't stand to be outside in the heat and they have been throwing up so much they look a bit "sickly".
3. If there is any glow it is really just sweat because you feel so freakin hot all the time due to the hormones.
4. Discuss poop ( or the inability to poop) with their husbands and best friends. Ok maybe I am the only one that does that, but I doubt it.
5. Don't have the perfect cute bump. My twin bump just looks like I am fatter. I know it will get more bumpish but honestly it isn't cute.
6. Confused about what to wear... too big for regular clothes and not big enough for maternity wear makes for interesting and sad outfit choices.
7. Swell. Cankles anyone. yep.
8. Grunt. Yeah getting up and down I have started grunting. I sound like an old man getting out of bed. I am sure my husband finds it so sexy.
9. snore. congestion due to pregnancy hormones is common and now I snore. again...not sexy.
10. Pee when you laugh... noone freakin tells you this happens!
11. Gas.
12. Bitchy. It's true. I try to keep my moods reasonable but there are days when it just doesn't work.
13. Pregnancy brain. I will have to share in a later post about all the dumb ass things I have done recently.
oh I am sure I can thing of about 10 more things.. but I am tired and suddenly craving ice gold milk....
Real pregnant women... As I have observed and now experienced
1. Have dark circles under their eyes because they are so tired
2. Have pale dull skin because they can't stand to be outside in the heat and they have been throwing up so much they look a bit "sickly".
3. If there is any glow it is really just sweat because you feel so freakin hot all the time due to the hormones.
4. Discuss poop ( or the inability to poop) with their husbands and best friends. Ok maybe I am the only one that does that, but I doubt it.
5. Don't have the perfect cute bump. My twin bump just looks like I am fatter. I know it will get more bumpish but honestly it isn't cute.
6. Confused about what to wear... too big for regular clothes and not big enough for maternity wear makes for interesting and sad outfit choices.
7. Swell. Cankles anyone. yep.
8. Grunt. Yeah getting up and down I have started grunting. I sound like an old man getting out of bed. I am sure my husband finds it so sexy.
9. snore. congestion due to pregnancy hormones is common and now I snore. again...not sexy.
10. Pee when you laugh... noone freakin tells you this happens!
11. Gas.
12. Bitchy. It's true. I try to keep my moods reasonable but there are days when it just doesn't work.
13. Pregnancy brain. I will have to share in a later post about all the dumb ass things I have done recently.
oh I am sure I can thing of about 10 more things.. but I am tired and suddenly craving ice gold milk....
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
15 weeks 1 day
Hit 15 weeks yesterday...babies are growing fast and I am certainly growing. Over the past couple of weeks I am feeling and looking more pregnant. I am getting slower and I can't walk or stand for long periods of time without some aches and pains. Sleeping comfortably can be challenging but I figured out this system with an extra pillow and a body pillow that is working for me for now.
We still haven't prepared much for the babies.... We did settle on the cribs so I guess that is significant. We REALLY need to work on names for the babies. Our list is still super long and we haven't even talked about it in about two weeks. We will start our registry in a few weeks and that completely overwhelms me!
I see my OB next week! Can't wait to hear the babies. I try not to worry about them but let's be honest... I totally worry.
We still haven't prepared much for the babies.... We did settle on the cribs so I guess that is significant. We REALLY need to work on names for the babies. Our list is still super long and we haven't even talked about it in about two weeks. We will start our registry in a few weeks and that completely overwhelms me!
I see my OB next week! Can't wait to hear the babies. I try not to worry about them but let's be honest... I totally worry.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Reactions to twin pregnancy
I knew that when we announced we were having twins we would get hit with all sorts of comments and questions. The husband and I read several blog posts about it and tried to prepare our answers ahead of time. We both have different approaches of course as I have no problem telling someone off and my husband is just too nice and would never offend anyone even if they offended him or were out of line. It is both admirable and frustrating that he is so freaking nice sometimes. Anyways so even though only about 25% off our families, friends, and coworkers know about the twins we have already started receiving stupid twin comments and questions.
1. Do twins run in your family? This is the one we get the most. Almost every single person outside of our family and closest friends has asked us this. This is just a sneaky way of asking "Did you do fertility treatments?" We answer "yes" well because technically they do on both sides. Sure it's a half truth. Sometimes they push the issue and ask which specific relatives are twins. I answer tell them the two family members on my moms side and try to change the subject.
2. Are they Natural? This has only been blatantly asked one time. I couldn't even believe question came out of this ladies mouth much less she asked me in front of about 12 other people. If there hadn't been witnesses I would have killed her. I still get livid every time I think about it. I am sure the look on my face was one of shock but I quickly responded "Yes they were made by God". I have read some good responses online so if I am ever asked again I might try one of them like "no they are actually made of latex how cool is that!"
3. Are you shocked? This is just another sneaky way of asking if this was planned by using fertility treatments. My response is "yes! I am still trying to wrap my head around it!" This is the truth. I am still shocked everyday that I am pregnant at all much less with twins!
4. So after this you'll be done! This is usually in the form of a statement rather than a question. This one really surprised me because I have heard it a lot which I wasn't expecting. It is usually said to me in a friendly manner and honestly I just ignore it. It is weird that people are thinking about it though. We aren't done after twins, but not worth a discussion!
5. Do you know the sexes? Ok not such a silly question. When I say we don't know yet ( a lie but we aren't revealing this yet) but that they are fraternal twins they get a weird look on their face and then start asking the stupid questions. Like "Fraternal... which ones are those?" " How do you know?" someone even told me she said that the doctor must be wrong because she had a dream I had identical girls. I have tried to explain the whole they are in separate sacks/placentas biological part and they get a glazed over look and they sometimes I laugh and tell them to google it. sigh.
6. Did you use fertility drugs? This has only been asked once. A coworker who is an older lady that I actually do like. I lied. It is none of her business. You ask an inappropriate question you don't deserve the truth. Now if a close friend or someone who was struggling asked me this question I would tell them we had help.
So I am sure this is the tip of the iceberg and twin moms out there have heard it all. I know the questions won't die down for a long time if ever so I will just have to get use to it.
1. Do twins run in your family? This is the one we get the most. Almost every single person outside of our family and closest friends has asked us this. This is just a sneaky way of asking "Did you do fertility treatments?" We answer "yes" well because technically they do on both sides. Sure it's a half truth. Sometimes they push the issue and ask which specific relatives are twins. I answer tell them the two family members on my moms side and try to change the subject.
2. Are they Natural? This has only been blatantly asked one time. I couldn't even believe question came out of this ladies mouth much less she asked me in front of about 12 other people. If there hadn't been witnesses I would have killed her. I still get livid every time I think about it. I am sure the look on my face was one of shock but I quickly responded "Yes they were made by God". I have read some good responses online so if I am ever asked again I might try one of them like "no they are actually made of latex how cool is that!"
3. Are you shocked? This is just another sneaky way of asking if this was planned by using fertility treatments. My response is "yes! I am still trying to wrap my head around it!" This is the truth. I am still shocked everyday that I am pregnant at all much less with twins!
4. So after this you'll be done! This is usually in the form of a statement rather than a question. This one really surprised me because I have heard it a lot which I wasn't expecting. It is usually said to me in a friendly manner and honestly I just ignore it. It is weird that people are thinking about it though. We aren't done after twins, but not worth a discussion!
5. Do you know the sexes? Ok not such a silly question. When I say we don't know yet ( a lie but we aren't revealing this yet) but that they are fraternal twins they get a weird look on their face and then start asking the stupid questions. Like "Fraternal... which ones are those?" " How do you know?" someone even told me she said that the doctor must be wrong because she had a dream I had identical girls. I have tried to explain the whole they are in separate sacks/placentas biological part and they get a glazed over look and they sometimes I laugh and tell them to google it. sigh.
6. Did you use fertility drugs? This has only been asked once. A coworker who is an older lady that I actually do like. I lied. It is none of her business. You ask an inappropriate question you don't deserve the truth. Now if a close friend or someone who was struggling asked me this question I would tell them we had help.
So I am sure this is the tip of the iceberg and twin moms out there have heard it all. I know the questions won't die down for a long time if ever so I will just have to get use to it.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
14 weeks 1 day
Waiting to see my babies again is hard.... two more weeks! My bump is getting bigger and while I can't feel them kicking yet I do have this weird sensation sometimes when I am laying down at night. Sometimes when I shift from one side to another I feel a "wave" of movement. Now it could just be my organs sloshing around in there. But it almost feels like a ball inside me... I am wondering if it is the babies shifting because I am... who knows!
Morning sickness is still kicking my tail! My exhaustion at work is better, but after work I literally am done for the night. I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep up with friends. Driving across town for a late dinner just isn't gonna happen right now. My married friends with kids understand but a couple of my single friends seem annoyed.
The husband and I are still working on names... we still have a pretty long list of names we like so I think it will take a while. I did start a master spreadsheet of all the items we need to register for. We are researching right now. I just don't want to get to the stores to register and get overwhelmed and register for too much or not enough. I have been reading a lot of suggested registry checklists for twins and I also plan on meeting with a couple of ladies I know with small twins to get their opinions and input on my list.
Morning sickness is still kicking my tail! My exhaustion at work is better, but after work I literally am done for the night. I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep up with friends. Driving across town for a late dinner just isn't gonna happen right now. My married friends with kids understand but a couple of my single friends seem annoyed.
The husband and I are still working on names... we still have a pretty long list of names we like so I think it will take a while. I did start a master spreadsheet of all the items we need to register for. We are researching right now. I just don't want to get to the stores to register and get overwhelmed and register for too much or not enough. I have been reading a lot of suggested registry checklists for twins and I also plan on meeting with a couple of ladies I know with small twins to get their opinions and input on my list.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
13 weeks 1 day
My morning sickness has come back with a vengeance. ugh. It isn't consistent but yesterday was pretty awful. Time to break out the zofran again!
I think I am looking more pregnant... I am chubby so I don't have the cute little bump that the skinny girls get but I have something going on! I have only gained 1 pound so I am happy with that. I know it will be important to start packing on some weight with the twins but OB wants me to not gain more than 30. It is easy not to gain right now as nothing sounds good to eat... I put on weight super easy so not that worried about it yet.
We have planned to announce the sexes of our babies on Labor Day at my families annual cookout. All my cousins from out of town will be in so it makes sense to do it with everyone there. I can't wait!! The secret is starting to get harder and harder to keep!
I think I am looking more pregnant... I am chubby so I don't have the cute little bump that the skinny girls get but I have something going on! I have only gained 1 pound so I am happy with that. I know it will be important to start packing on some weight with the twins but OB wants me to not gain more than 30. It is easy not to gain right now as nothing sounds good to eat... I put on weight super easy so not that worried about it yet.
We have planned to announce the sexes of our babies on Labor Day at my families annual cookout. All my cousins from out of town will be in so it makes sense to do it with everyone there. I can't wait!! The secret is starting to get harder and harder to keep!
Friday, July 25, 2014
12 weeks 3 days
First tri is almost in the rear view mirror. Every book and website has a different opinion about when second tri starts. I am considering 12 weeks second tri as I am not likely to carry the twins to 37 weeks. I hope I can though! That is what is utmost on my mind and heart. I want to carry these babies as long as possible and get them here safe and healthy. Most of my fears these days revolve around preterm labor. While ecstatic that our first tri screen and NT tests all came back fantastic, I am still scared. I am really trying not to dwell on the fears but I have heard several sad stories lately with both twins and singletons that are heavy on my mind. I have to just stay focused on the positives and truths.
1. Right now everything is going as it should
2. I have excellent medical care and I am monitored frequently
3. I have a flexible job in case I need to slow down, bed rest etc...
4. Statistically I have a very good chance of bringing home these babies
5. God is in control ( the most important thing to remember)
I feel so much more connected to the babies this week after seeing/hearing them. I can't feel them yet although their presence in my life is growing! I can't roll over in bed on my stomach without feeling my "bump" etc... This pregnancy is progressing fast! So falling in love with them more and more also makes me realize if I were to lose them how devastating that would be.
Next ultrasound isn't for a month. Gonna be a long time to wait but I am going to do my best to stay positive and enjoy these little miracles inside of me!
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
First Tri Screening!
I had my first tri screening yesterday and I was so
nervous! I am seeing an MFM since I am having twins and he was super
nice and he was very good to explain and show us everything! My baby
boys were so big! I couldn't believe it! Both are doing perfect and we
didn't have any markers for any issues or chromosome abnormalities. I
FINALLY got to hear their heartbeats and I was sobbing so hard in joy!
Sweetest sound! Went to OB this morning for my check up there and
everything was good!
I can't wait until I am officially out of the first tri in a little over a week!
I can't wait until I am officially out of the first tri in a little over a week!
Monday, July 21, 2014
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow I have my first tri screening with my MFM.
Scared but so ready to see my babies!!!
Scared but so ready to see my babies!!!
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Mini Meltdown
Let me preface this post that I am EXHAUSTED! I haven't slept well in days, jet lag is STILL a factor, I have a cold, and oh yeah I am growing TWO babies inside of me.
I am so grateful for this pregnancy. I have dreamed about this time for years and I have prayed for this. I told myself I wouldn't be one of those women who complained about pregnancy. But it is hard. I just feel so bad physically and so exhausted. I know this is all minor and this is what I not only signed up for but wanted and pleaded for. So I feel like a total bitch and hypocrite for not "enjoying" pregnancy. Pregnancy is scary. Twin pregnancy is crazy. My body is going through crazy amount of changes which is yes a miracle and amazing. But also scary. Every pull or twinge is scary. I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I am petrified that something is wrong. I am so anxious about my scan next week. I am trying to remain positive but I think the exhaustion is just wearing me down.
Last night the husband and I had our first fight since I got pregnant. We don't fight often. I think our last fight was in like February. Anyways I was tired and he was a jerk. We talked it through but it was a reminder to me how he really doesn't get it. I mean he is a guy he really can't. Sigh.
ok enough venting.
I am so grateful for this pregnancy. I have dreamed about this time for years and I have prayed for this. I told myself I wouldn't be one of those women who complained about pregnancy. But it is hard. I just feel so bad physically and so exhausted. I know this is all minor and this is what I not only signed up for but wanted and pleaded for. So I feel like a total bitch and hypocrite for not "enjoying" pregnancy. Pregnancy is scary. Twin pregnancy is crazy. My body is going through crazy amount of changes which is yes a miracle and amazing. But also scary. Every pull or twinge is scary. I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom. I am petrified that something is wrong. I am so anxious about my scan next week. I am trying to remain positive but I think the exhaustion is just wearing me down.
Last night the husband and I had our first fight since I got pregnant. We don't fight often. I think our last fight was in like February. Anyways I was tired and he was a jerk. We talked it through but it was a reminder to me how he really doesn't get it. I mean he is a guy he really can't. Sigh.
ok enough venting.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
11 weeks
Babies are the size of a lime. A freaking lime!
I am exhausted! A combination of growing babies, jet lag and a cold have me WIPED OUT! I just got back from vacation so I can't miss work. So I am just trying to get through the day then do nothing at night. This is hard the husband but I think yesterday he realized I wasn't being dramatic. I might have also worn myself out from the weekend. We looked did some cleaning, went to the mall and even a couple of baby stores looking at furniture. I found the cribs I want! We won't buy them until after 20 weeks but I feel better knowing what I want. Now I just need to pick a color for the nursery ( I have it narrowed down) and get that done here in the next few weeks. So much to do!
My First trimester screening with my MFM is next week. I am so anxious as I haven't had a sono in over a month. While I haven't had any bleeding etc the IF brain isn't calm having not seen the babies in so long. My hormones are looking good as I am still getting weekly checks with my RE for that. He is starting to ween me off the estrogen and PIO injections. Probably 2 weeks tops on those!
Cravings: Not much still. Which is why I haven't gained any weight ( yay!) But this morning I had to have a McDonalds sausage biscuit. Cravings are still rare.
Aversions: Still meat in general. Nothing sounds good but things are usually tolerable.
I am exhausted! A combination of growing babies, jet lag and a cold have me WIPED OUT! I just got back from vacation so I can't miss work. So I am just trying to get through the day then do nothing at night. This is hard the husband but I think yesterday he realized I wasn't being dramatic. I might have also worn myself out from the weekend. We looked did some cleaning, went to the mall and even a couple of baby stores looking at furniture. I found the cribs I want! We won't buy them until after 20 weeks but I feel better knowing what I want. Now I just need to pick a color for the nursery ( I have it narrowed down) and get that done here in the next few weeks. So much to do!
My First trimester screening with my MFM is next week. I am so anxious as I haven't had a sono in over a month. While I haven't had any bleeding etc the IF brain isn't calm having not seen the babies in so long. My hormones are looking good as I am still getting weekly checks with my RE for that. He is starting to ween me off the estrogen and PIO injections. Probably 2 weeks tops on those!
Cravings: Not much still. Which is why I haven't gained any weight ( yay!) But this morning I had to have a McDonalds sausage biscuit. Cravings are still rare.
Aversions: Still meat in general. Nothing sounds good but things are usually tolerable.
Friday, July 11, 2014
10 weeks 3 days
Vaction was...exhausting. Traveling overseas while pregnant with twins was harder than I thought it would be. It really wiped me out. But I am grateful that I got to see some more of Europe.
Before I left I had my OB appointment at 8 weeks and everything went well. I like my OB. She is professional but not stuffy and I feel like she listens and doesn't try to rush me. I do hate that you have to spend some much time in her waiting room though. I will also be seeing an MFM to monitor the twins and my first appointment with him is in a week and a half. I am so nervous. I haven't seen the babies in over a month. I am trying not to let my fears overwhelm me. I am doing a pretty decent job. I am still struggling with talking in certainties that I will get to keep the babies. I am scared to name them or post on social media anytime soon about them. I have picked up some sample colors to paint the nursery which is one step. I promised my husband we could discuss names after the next sonogram. I really don't want to post anything on social media until after we reveal the genders in 6 weeks. Everyone that is important to us already knows and everyone else can wait!
Cravings: Not too many cravings...ice cream is usually always sounds good. I had another craving for cripsy sesame chicken but I didn't give in. Chicfila is usually good with me.
Aversions: BBQ, meat in general, eggs etc... Sometimes just thinking about certain restaurants I use to love makes my stomach turn.
Symptoms: Nausea ( better but sometimes I still need the zofran) Heartburn, bloating, constipation, sore boobs, night sweats.
Before I left I had my OB appointment at 8 weeks and everything went well. I like my OB. She is professional but not stuffy and I feel like she listens and doesn't try to rush me. I do hate that you have to spend some much time in her waiting room though. I will also be seeing an MFM to monitor the twins and my first appointment with him is in a week and a half. I am so nervous. I haven't seen the babies in over a month. I am trying not to let my fears overwhelm me. I am doing a pretty decent job. I am still struggling with talking in certainties that I will get to keep the babies. I am scared to name them or post on social media anytime soon about them. I have picked up some sample colors to paint the nursery which is one step. I promised my husband we could discuss names after the next sonogram. I really don't want to post anything on social media until after we reveal the genders in 6 weeks. Everyone that is important to us already knows and everyone else can wait!
Cravings: Not too many cravings...ice cream is usually always sounds good. I had another craving for cripsy sesame chicken but I didn't give in. Chicfila is usually good with me.
Aversions: BBQ, meat in general, eggs etc... Sometimes just thinking about certain restaurants I use to love makes my stomach turn.
Symptoms: Nausea ( better but sometimes I still need the zofran) Heartburn, bloating, constipation, sore boobs, night sweats.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
1st OB apointment!
I walked into my OB's office 2 years ago and I was a teary mess. I wasn't getting pregnant and I wanted answers. She was nice and aggressive and started my testing and quickly got my referral to Dr. B my RE right away. Two years of heartache, loss and lot's of tears came after that.
Fast forward to yesterday and she is congratulating me on the twins. So surreal. It was a basic appointment. Blood work, vitals check, lists of dos and donts and a pelvic exam. I was a smidge disappointed I didn't get to see my babies but I wasn't expecting another sono since I had one last week. I will also be seeing a MFM doctor who will see me since I am high risk due to my age and twins. I am glad as I will fully embrace the extra monitoring! Lot's of doctors and tons of boring waiting rooms in my future! I will take it!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
8 weeks!
8 weeks today! The furthest in pregnancy I have ever gotten! Still early but I am learning to let go of fear and trying to enjoy this pregnancy. It is hard when you feel like crap but I am so grateful for each day.
We told our families over the weekend and there were many tears and smiles. Our families have been so supportive as we have struggled and through our losses. We are so blessed to have them.
We started telling our closest friends this week and it is scary because it is so early but since our families knew we couldn't take a chance and not tell them, Our families have big mouths. I am honestly not comfortable with lot's of people knowing, but it is what it is.
I have my first OB appointment tomorrow where I hope I gt to see the babies again. The husband can't go and I don't feel comfortable with anyone else going with me to my first one. I am nervous and ready to get it over with!
Symptoms: still have them all. The zofran has taken the edge of my morning sickness but it is still with me pretty much all day. The constant peeing is annoying and this morning the gas is well... in full effect and a bit embarassing!
Cravings: not much.... chicken sandwiches from Chic-fil-a and Wendy's are tolerable.
Aversions: meat in general...
We told our families over the weekend and there were many tears and smiles. Our families have been so supportive as we have struggled and through our losses. We are so blessed to have them.
We started telling our closest friends this week and it is scary because it is so early but since our families knew we couldn't take a chance and not tell them, Our families have big mouths. I am honestly not comfortable with lot's of people knowing, but it is what it is.
I have my first OB appointment tomorrow where I hope I gt to see the babies again. The husband can't go and I don't feel comfortable with anyone else going with me to my first one. I am nervous and ready to get it over with!
Symptoms: still have them all. The zofran has taken the edge of my morning sickness but it is still with me pretty much all day. The constant peeing is annoying and this morning the gas is well... in full effect and a bit embarassing!
Cravings: not much.... chicken sandwiches from Chic-fil-a and Wendy's are tolerable.
Aversions: meat in general...
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Ultrasound results & 7 weeks 2 days
Yesterday afternoon was our first ultrasound. The husband and I were so nervous. My favorite technician was there. She is always so nice and encouraging. She wasted no time and suddenly the image popped up on the screen and it was clear as day.... 2 babies with heartbeats. I was so overwhelmed with relief and joy. I will never forget that moment. I just kept looking up at my husband seeing his face light up in awe. I did have a panic moment when she started double checking that there wasn't a third in there. But no... two babies! They are measuring perfectly on track and have perfect fast little heartbeats.
After we saw the babies we got more instructions from my nurse about my meds etc.. Then we got to meet with Dr. B who was jovial but scattered. He gave me some stronger meds for my morning sickness which I am grateful for!
We are now going to tell our families. We are trying to get them all together but they aren't cooperating so we are going to probably tell them as we see them all. Not how I pictured it but oh well!
Symptoms: Still every symptom in the book! Morning sickness is bad so I am going to start taking my zofran more regularly. Constipation is no fun so gotta work on that!
Aversions: everything!
Cravings: Frozen yogurt
After we saw the babies we got more instructions from my nurse about my meds etc.. Then we got to meet with Dr. B who was jovial but scattered. He gave me some stronger meds for my morning sickness which I am grateful for!
We are now going to tell our families. We are trying to get them all together but they aren't cooperating so we are going to probably tell them as we see them all. Not how I pictured it but oh well!
Symptoms: Still every symptom in the book! Morning sickness is bad so I am going to start taking my zofran more regularly. Constipation is no fun so gotta work on that!
Aversions: everything!
Cravings: Frozen yogurt
Monday, June 16, 2014
6 weeks 6 days
I can't believe I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Time has crawled at a painful level on one hand and flown by on another. Ultrasound is Wednesday and I am nervous. Nervous they won't find a heartbeat. Nervous something is wrong. I am sure non- If brained women also have these fears, but I laid on that table before and had the ultrasound and the quiet whisper of the technician saying " I am so sorry- there isn't a baby". That was a real experience and I think I have some legit PTSD about it. Even thinking about it makes me shudder. I am trying to stay positive. I can't wait to find out if we have one or two in there. I really don't know!
Cravings: Not many these days but last night about 9pm I wanted Chinese food really bad.
Aversions: Pretty much thinking about any food makes me want to barf.
Symptoms: All day morning sickness. ( I barfed in the bathroom after lunch today- fun fun). Frequent urination (fun, fun), Gas ( my lucky husband) Occasional heartburn, bloating , exhaustion, sore boobs. Also I am apparently very irritable according to my family ( who doesn't know!)
If all goes well with our sonogram on Wednesday we will start telling our family and very close friends.
Cravings: Not many these days but last night about 9pm I wanted Chinese food really bad.
Aversions: Pretty much thinking about any food makes me want to barf.
Symptoms: All day morning sickness. ( I barfed in the bathroom after lunch today- fun fun). Frequent urination (fun, fun), Gas ( my lucky husband) Occasional heartburn, bloating , exhaustion, sore boobs. Also I am apparently very irritable according to my family ( who doesn't know!)
If all goes well with our sonogram on Wednesday we will start telling our family and very close friends.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
6 weeks 1day
Still waiting on the sonogram... one week from today!
I feel...pregnant.
Keeping this secret is getting harder every day. Nausea, bloating, breaking out, exhaustion, sore boobs, moody, spidey smell abilities and the frequent urination is def there!
Cravings: not much... nothing sounds good. I gave in to one chili cheese burrito craving last night. It could have been the worst decision ever but it actually made me feel better.
I feel...pregnant.
Keeping this secret is getting harder every day. Nausea, bloating, breaking out, exhaustion, sore boobs, moody, spidey smell abilities and the frequent urination is def there!
Cravings: not much... nothing sounds good. I gave in to one chili cheese burrito craving last night. It could have been the worst decision ever but it actually made me feel better.
Friday, June 6, 2014
5wks 3days
Waiting.
My first ultrasound will be on 6/18. Ugh. So long to wait. I will technically be 7weeks 1 day then so atleast we don't have to worry about it being too early to see a heartbeat. Of course there are PLENTY of other things to worry about. While I have been pretty good at letting the fear not rule my life right now it creeps in. Last night I had a dream I was bleeding. It was scary. I woke up and no blood but it shook me up pretty bad.
Symptoms: Nausea ( mostly in the afternoons), some gas, very sore boobs and new this week is heartburn and exhaustion. I try not to complain about the symptoms as if I didn't have any surely I would be freaking out about that!
Cravings: Not craving sour as much as before... I have really been wanting a chili cheese dog REALLY bad but have not given in to it. (yet)
Aversions: honestly nothing sounds good to me but I can tolerate most things.
People who know I am pregnant: My husband, my best friend. My husband doesn't know I told her, he would be PISSED. She point blank asked me and I didn't lie. She won't tell a soul. I think my mother is highly suspicious.
My first ultrasound will be on 6/18. Ugh. So long to wait. I will technically be 7weeks 1 day then so atleast we don't have to worry about it being too early to see a heartbeat. Of course there are PLENTY of other things to worry about. While I have been pretty good at letting the fear not rule my life right now it creeps in. Last night I had a dream I was bleeding. It was scary. I woke up and no blood but it shook me up pretty bad.
Symptoms: Nausea ( mostly in the afternoons), some gas, very sore boobs and new this week is heartburn and exhaustion. I try not to complain about the symptoms as if I didn't have any surely I would be freaking out about that!
Cravings: Not craving sour as much as before... I have really been wanting a chili cheese dog REALLY bad but have not given in to it. (yet)
Aversions: honestly nothing sounds good to me but I can tolerate most things.
People who know I am pregnant: My husband, my best friend. My husband doesn't know I told her, he would be PISSED. She point blank asked me and I didn't lie. She won't tell a soul. I think my mother is highly suspicious.
Monday, June 2, 2014
4wks5days
I forgot to post my fist beta number on Friday afternoon... it was 641! That is the highest beta I have ever had!
This weekend was crazy busy and my nausea moved up a notch. Sunday I had to lie down and sleep it off! I am going to try some tricks to keep it manageable. Small meals etc... My nausea usually starts before lunch and then goes through early evening. Trying not to complain.
I will get 2nd beta number this afternoon! Please double!!!!!
UPDATE:
Beta is 2166!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This weekend was crazy busy and my nausea moved up a notch. Sunday I had to lie down and sleep it off! I am going to try some tricks to keep it manageable. Small meals etc... My nausea usually starts before lunch and then goes through early evening. Trying not to complain.
I will get 2nd beta number this afternoon! Please double!!!!!
UPDATE:
Beta is 2166!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 30, 2014
More waiting- 4weeks3days
Went in this morning for my first beta. I am 10dp6dt so hopefully I see a nice strong beta number. My tests are dark and pop up positive as soon as the urine runs across the panel. I am symptomatic etc. All great signs but until I get through betas, then ultrasounds, then see a heartbeat It is all up in the air and includes lot's and lot's of waiting!!
Today I am pregnant and 4weeks and 3 days.
Symptoms: Nipples are on fires, gas, occasional twinges in the ute, waves of nausea, thirsty, frequent urination.
Cravings: Sour/tart and tangy foods are what I crave and seem to taste the best. I had some really tart frozen yogurt last night and it was heaven in my mouth. Greasy foods such as pizza and burgers are not appealing.
I should get the call about my beta this afternoon.
Today I am pregnant and 4weeks and 3 days.
Symptoms: Nipples are on fires, gas, occasional twinges in the ute, waves of nausea, thirsty, frequent urination.
Cravings: Sour/tart and tangy foods are what I crave and seem to taste the best. I had some really tart frozen yogurt last night and it was heaven in my mouth. Greasy foods such as pizza and burgers are not appealing.
I should get the call about my beta this afternoon.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
IF brain
I knew it was only a matter of time before IF brain kicked in and started making me doubt this pregnancy. I was feeling really good about the pregnancy 2 whole days since I found out, but then last night I went to the bathroom and there was the slightest twinge of pink on the toilet paper. Mere drops of watery watery pink. I stopped breathing. Now the logical calm rational non IF pregnant girl would assume it is either 1. implantation spotting which makes sense being 7 days past transfer. or 2. irritated cervix from progesterone.
But I am not rational. I am hormonal. I am traumatized by the past. This fear and trauma I have experienced in my past makes me think several things but the bottom line is I don't believe I will actually get a live baby. I will miscarry. Something will happen. Not exactly a joyful journey in this pregnancy so far. So I realize I have to make a choice. I have to choose to TRUST and BELIEVE that God is going to take care of me and this baby/babies no matter what. It is all out of my control. No amount of obsessing, googling, or panicking is going to help. God knows my path.
I am under no false illusion that this way of thinking and believing will be easy. I am sure I will have to talk myself of a ledge daily, but I don't want to live in terror for 9 months.
Beta is Friday.
But I am not rational. I am hormonal. I am traumatized by the past. This fear and trauma I have experienced in my past makes me think several things but the bottom line is I don't believe I will actually get a live baby. I will miscarry. Something will happen. Not exactly a joyful journey in this pregnancy so far. So I realize I have to make a choice. I have to choose to TRUST and BELIEVE that God is going to take care of me and this baby/babies no matter what. It is all out of my control. No amount of obsessing, googling, or panicking is going to help. God knows my path.
I am under no false illusion that this way of thinking and believing will be easy. I am sure I will have to talk myself of a ledge daily, but I don't want to live in terror for 9 months.
Beta is Friday.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Pregnant.
WARNING (pregnancy post)
I am pregnant.
Like for real pregnant.
I took another test this morning on a FRER and the second line popped up super fast and was almost as dark as the control line. I was too scared to use a digital but I think I might tomorrow. I am 7dpa6dt (13dpo). My beta is Friday. I emailed my nurse asking if I had to wait till Friday and she said it was best to so I will have to wait to see what kind of number we are working on. It is still so early and I am scared. I know this could all go south in a hot minute. But I am trying to enjoy being pregnant for today.
Symptoms: Boobs are killing me, more frequent urnination, mild nausea, twinges here and there in my ute. No appetite.
Cravings: Anything sour (which I normally hate). Pickles, Olives, Limes..anything tart sounds good.
I am 4weeks today. The math is confusing but since it was a 6 day transfer I just used a 5 day FET calculator and added a day. The embryo/s are tiny. As big as the period at the end of this sentence. That is small.
I am pregnant.
Like for real pregnant.
I took another test this morning on a FRER and the second line popped up super fast and was almost as dark as the control line. I was too scared to use a digital but I think I might tomorrow. I am 7dpa6dt (13dpo). My beta is Friday. I emailed my nurse asking if I had to wait till Friday and she said it was best to so I will have to wait to see what kind of number we are working on. It is still so early and I am scared. I know this could all go south in a hot minute. But I am trying to enjoy being pregnant for today.
Symptoms: Boobs are killing me, more frequent urnination, mild nausea, twinges here and there in my ute. No appetite.
Cravings: Anything sour (which I normally hate). Pickles, Olives, Limes..anything tart sounds good.
I am 4weeks today. The math is confusing but since it was a 6 day transfer I just used a 5 day FET calculator and added a day. The embryo/s are tiny. As big as the period at the end of this sentence. That is small.
Waiting after the FET
The day of the FET I didn't feel that different, just tired. Here is the cliff notes version of what I felt like the following days. I was on strict 48 hours bed rest then took it easy after that.
1 day past transfer.
Still on bed rest and feeling super gassy. Like an obscene amount of gas. My husband makes fun of me for it. I blamed it on the curry I had for dinner.
2 day past transfer.
I was on bed rest for the morning. Still gassy and maybe feel some light cramping. My boobs are getting a bit sore but I am on PIO shots so that isn't too abnormal. That evening I go to Whole Foods to get some dinner and vitamins When I am walking through the store I feel both ravenous and yet have some nausea. Very light cramping.
3 days past transfer.
I go back to work. No appetite at all. Super tired. Boobs are starting to really hurt.
4 days past transfer.
Night sweats, I have to turn the air to 65 and the fan and freeze out my husband. I have a wave of nausea right before lunch. No appetite. Boobs are really sensitive and hurting more. Fatigue.
5 days past transfer.
I swear I am having hot flashes. MASSIVE nausea after lunch, have to lie down. Major fatigue. Craving limes...weird.
6 days past transfer.
Minor nausea, hot flashes, boobs look different. Nips are different color and feel different. Painful to touch. Despite being told to wait I test at night. BFP!!!! Nice and dark line!! I can't freaking beleive it!!
1 day past transfer.
Still on bed rest and feeling super gassy. Like an obscene amount of gas. My husband makes fun of me for it. I blamed it on the curry I had for dinner.
2 day past transfer.
I was on bed rest for the morning. Still gassy and maybe feel some light cramping. My boobs are getting a bit sore but I am on PIO shots so that isn't too abnormal. That evening I go to Whole Foods to get some dinner and vitamins When I am walking through the store I feel both ravenous and yet have some nausea. Very light cramping.
3 days past transfer.
I go back to work. No appetite at all. Super tired. Boobs are starting to really hurt.
4 days past transfer.
Night sweats, I have to turn the air to 65 and the fan and freeze out my husband. I have a wave of nausea right before lunch. No appetite. Boobs are really sensitive and hurting more. Fatigue.
5 days past transfer.
I swear I am having hot flashes. MASSIVE nausea after lunch, have to lie down. Major fatigue. Craving limes...weird.
6 days past transfer.
Minor nausea, hot flashes, boobs look different. Nips are different color and feel different. Painful to touch. Despite being told to wait I test at night. BFP!!!! Nice and dark line!! I can't freaking beleive it!!
FET
I thought I would be keeping this blog more up to date during the transfer and 2 week wait. I totally failed. So I will do a bit of back tracking before I explain what is going on right now.
FET was Tuesday May 20th. We showed up at the clinic around noon. My transfer was scheduled for 12:30. I was told to come with a full bladder and I did! My clinic is fancy. One building is where the regular sonos, appointments, blood draws, IUI's etc happen. The other building is where the labs are and where the operating rooms are. They perform Egg retrievals there, some testing such as the HSG, and FETs. We show up sign the paperwork, pay our bill and ushered by a sweet young nurse to a room where I put on a gown and the husband is given scrubs. Nurse "Sweet thing" as I will call her gave me a Valium. That was an unexpected bonus! The embryologist came in and talked to us and gave me a picture of the two embies we were transferring. I saw those little blobs on and it all became real.
By this time it was well past 12:30pm and my bladder felt like it might explode. Dr. B came in, gave me a pep talk and then they rolled me back to one of the Operating rooms. This freaked me out a bit. I just wasn't expecting a full operating room for a FET. It was all dark and I saw my favorite sonographer there and another nurse. They got me situated and I got nervous. They had warned us that Dr. B didn't like talking during a FET. So I just laid there quietly while they discussed how beautiful my uterus looked on the monitors.
The embryologists came in and verified my name again and then handed Dr. B my embies which he passed through a catheter and the sonographer showed us where he was placing them. We saw a burst of white light and it was done. She replayed it so we could see it again. I thought this moment would make me cry. I didn't. I just layed there and watched ... in awe. They then moved me back to my recovery room and made me lie there for a while before I could pee. THAT was uncomfortable! They let me pee then made me lie back down for 45 minutes. The husband then drove me home and I slept a couple of hours as the valium made me so sleepy.
Two embies transferred. Just like that.
FET was Tuesday May 20th. We showed up at the clinic around noon. My transfer was scheduled for 12:30. I was told to come with a full bladder and I did! My clinic is fancy. One building is where the regular sonos, appointments, blood draws, IUI's etc happen. The other building is where the labs are and where the operating rooms are. They perform Egg retrievals there, some testing such as the HSG, and FETs. We show up sign the paperwork, pay our bill and ushered by a sweet young nurse to a room where I put on a gown and the husband is given scrubs. Nurse "Sweet thing" as I will call her gave me a Valium. That was an unexpected bonus! The embryologist came in and talked to us and gave me a picture of the two embies we were transferring. I saw those little blobs on and it all became real.
By this time it was well past 12:30pm and my bladder felt like it might explode. Dr. B came in, gave me a pep talk and then they rolled me back to one of the Operating rooms. This freaked me out a bit. I just wasn't expecting a full operating room for a FET. It was all dark and I saw my favorite sonographer there and another nurse. They got me situated and I got nervous. They had warned us that Dr. B didn't like talking during a FET. So I just laid there quietly while they discussed how beautiful my uterus looked on the monitors.
The embryologists came in and verified my name again and then handed Dr. B my embies which he passed through a catheter and the sonographer showed us where he was placing them. We saw a burst of white light and it was done. She replayed it so we could see it again. I thought this moment would make me cry. I didn't. I just layed there and watched ... in awe. They then moved me back to my recovery room and made me lie there for a while before I could pee. THAT was uncomfortable! They let me pee then made me lie back down for 45 minutes. The husband then drove me home and I slept a couple of hours as the valium made me so sleepy.
Two embies transferred. Just like that.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
We have a transfer date!!
Went for my lining check yesterday. This is where they do an ultrasound to determine the thickness of your lining to make sure it is ready for implantation. They also check for any cysts etc that could cause any problems. I was nervous. Never had lining issues before but I know in the Infertility world that another issue or delay could pop out of nowhere. GOOD NEWS! My lining was an 11! They want to see it over 8 so 11 was great! They also did not see anything else to be of concern at this point. So we have a transfer date..... TUESDAY!
One thing I was unprepared for was that my RE has a strict 48 bed rest protocol. That puts me out of work for three days. I can swing it I just wasn't really prepared! I am going to have to call in with a major "stomach bug" for people to buy it.
I also started PIO ( Progesterone in Oil) injections and continue to take estrogen. I will take these shots until I am ten weeks pregnant. Every night. I usually do shots myself but since this one is in the rear and I can't see it I decided the husband was going to have to do it. This is huge for me to give up control of the shots. I was scared it would be a debacle but he did a good job. Didn't hurt too bad. I know that in a few weeks I will barely be able to sit because the injection sites will welt up, but sitting on a heating pad last night helped.
One reason I wanted him to o the injections is because in the past he hasn't been that involved with my cycles. He sees all the needles etc, but I rarely gave myself the shots in front of him. I feel like he was a bit detached from the whole process. I go to most appointments by myself etc... I want him to understand more about the process and what I am going through so maybe he will be a bit more.... grateful? Understanding? I am not trying to knock the Husband... he is amazing and supportive but if we are being honest a bit ignorant about everything. Plus when I bitch about how it hurts or I am tired of the shots he will actually have a clue and give me a pass.
TUESDAY CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH!!!
One thing I was unprepared for was that my RE has a strict 48 bed rest protocol. That puts me out of work for three days. I can swing it I just wasn't really prepared! I am going to have to call in with a major "stomach bug" for people to buy it.
I also started PIO ( Progesterone in Oil) injections and continue to take estrogen. I will take these shots until I am ten weeks pregnant. Every night. I usually do shots myself but since this one is in the rear and I can't see it I decided the husband was going to have to do it. This is huge for me to give up control of the shots. I was scared it would be a debacle but he did a good job. Didn't hurt too bad. I know that in a few weeks I will barely be able to sit because the injection sites will welt up, but sitting on a heating pad last night helped.
One reason I wanted him to o the injections is because in the past he hasn't been that involved with my cycles. He sees all the needles etc, but I rarely gave myself the shots in front of him. I feel like he was a bit detached from the whole process. I go to most appointments by myself etc... I want him to understand more about the process and what I am going through so maybe he will be a bit more.... grateful? Understanding? I am not trying to knock the Husband... he is amazing and supportive but if we are being honest a bit ignorant about everything. Plus when I bitch about how it hurts or I am tired of the shots he will actually have a clue and give me a pass.
TUESDAY CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH!!!
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day
Mother's Day....
I thought with the impending transfer next week that somehow this day would be easier this year. Nope. Just as hard. I know people mean well but being wished a Happy Mother's Day is like someone poking you with a sharp medal object. All I can do is give a half smile and say thank you and try not to cry. What I really want to say is...." Yeah not so happy considering I am not a Mother and the only child I have ever had is not living." I don't say that, but part of me imagines the look on their face if I did. I am hurt by their comment but their comment is ignorant to me not spiteful so I don't want to hurt them back. They say "hurt people hurt people" and I don't want to be like that. So I am just trying to get through the day. I am trying to focus on just celebrating my mom. She is the best. Seriously luckiest daughter in the world. Trying to focus on how grateful I am to have her.
Lining check is Wednesday. I start taking 3 estrogen pills a day today. No major side effects other than my digestive system is a bit off. I should start the PIO injections on Wednesday. If everything goes well with my lining check I will get a transfer date. I am hoping it will be Monday, but it could be anytime next week.
I thought with the impending transfer next week that somehow this day would be easier this year. Nope. Just as hard. I know people mean well but being wished a Happy Mother's Day is like someone poking you with a sharp medal object. All I can do is give a half smile and say thank you and try not to cry. What I really want to say is...." Yeah not so happy considering I am not a Mother and the only child I have ever had is not living." I don't say that, but part of me imagines the look on their face if I did. I am hurt by their comment but their comment is ignorant to me not spiteful so I don't want to hurt them back. They say "hurt people hurt people" and I don't want to be like that. So I am just trying to get through the day. I am trying to focus on just celebrating my mom. She is the best. Seriously luckiest daughter in the world. Trying to focus on how grateful I am to have her.
Lining check is Wednesday. I start taking 3 estrogen pills a day today. No major side effects other than my digestive system is a bit off. I should start the PIO injections on Wednesday. If everything goes well with my lining check I will get a transfer date. I am hoping it will be Monday, but it could be anytime next week.
Friday, May 2, 2014
FET cylce starts today!
So today is the official beginning of my FET cycle. It has been a LONG time coming. The protocol is super easy compared to what I have been through previously. I will be taking estrogen for 12 days, get a lining check, add in Progesterone in oil shots then they will transfer my embies. Yes embies. plural. We are going to transfer 2 pgd tested embies. So yes twins are very likely. Not guaranteed as nothing is, but likely. I am ok with twins in theory. I have friends who have twins and they love it. With the husbands and I's age and desire of a big family this helps make that dream plausible. Yes there are also risks. Twin pregancy is no joke. For someone who is scared to be pregnant due to the past... this honestly terrifies me. It will be hard in every way. All I can do is trust that it will all work out. Sure I let my mind go to the worst case scenarios all the time. I am going to have to learn to flip the "IF brain" switch if I don't want to be a basketcase. I can't wallow in fear. So I am going to have to CHOOSE to be positive and dare I say.... happy.
Also... good news! I got my labs and all my immune levels look awesome so no delays hopefully!
Also... good news! I got my labs and all my immune levels look awesome so no delays hopefully!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Manic Monday
It's Monday. Still no word on my embies but we shouldn't hear anything until later in the week. Dr. B has cleared us to transfer 2. Yes that means that twins are a real possibility. We shall see. More on that at a later time.
I have my appointment with my endocronologist who manages my hashimotos and thyroid tomorrow. Last week I was feeling very symptomatic. Skin issues, bathroom issues, sleep issues, leg cramps etc... I am sure it was stress induced. Hopefully my levels aren't too wacky so that we can do the transfer in a few weeks.
I ordered my progesterone today. Still need to get my estrace from my regular pharmacy.... it is getting real!!
Only about 3 weeks!
I have my appointment with my endocronologist who manages my hashimotos and thyroid tomorrow. Last week I was feeling very symptomatic. Skin issues, bathroom issues, sleep issues, leg cramps etc... I am sure it was stress induced. Hopefully my levels aren't too wacky so that we can do the transfer in a few weeks.
I ordered my progesterone today. Still need to get my estrace from my regular pharmacy.... it is getting real!!
Only about 3 weeks!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Lucky 7
This week waiting has been hell. I was not prepared for how stressful it was going to be to wait to see how many of my embryos were going to make it to day 5 for freezing and pgd testing. My clinic is very picky about the embryos that make it to blast. Quality. That is what they have preaching to me. But how could I not get wrapped up in the numbers of it. My embryologist told me last week they expect 80% of all embryos to arrest before day 5. We had awesome day 1 fert report. 25 retrieved, 24 mature, 21 fertilized. But of those 21 we knew we were going to lose a lot. If we were with statistics we should have lost 16 and been left with 5. While that should be plenty that is still scary for someone who has had losses. But we ended up on the higher end of statistics and got 7 beautiful high quality embryos. I can't complain about that!
Now my 7 embies wait. They were biopsied and sent to a lab to be PGD tested. To make sure all the chromosomes are the right number. We do not want to transfer an embryo that will end in miscarriage. Even though my embies are high quality blast by looking at them... only pgd will tell us if they are normal. So we have to wait a week to find out. It is all out of our hands.
I am not into lucky numbers but I do have favorite numbers. I do know that 7 plays a significant role biblically and is considered the "perfect" number and the "luckiest" number. I hope it turns out to be for me.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Eggs!!!
This has been a really stressful week... but I think it is going to end very well!
I got 25 eggs for Easter! We had an idea a few days ago while Oklahoma was going to appointments and getting scanned that it looked promising that we might get quite a bit. In comparison with my own egg IVF we were praying for 4-6 eggs! ( we got none) So to go from that to holy crap we have 25 eggs to use! WOW- mind blown.
We still have a long way to go before thre is a happily ever after. I know that we have 0 control in this process. This was a HUGE step forward but we still have more steps and very important steps to take before I get my baby.
The next HUGE step is:
Fertilization Report. I will get a call in the morning telling me how many of the eggs fertilized and how they are developing. We will most likely lose some eggs in this process. That is normal. We just don't want to lose too many. Then I will get an update every day for 5 days as they grow and divide and hopefully by day 5 we have lots of blastocysts to send to PGD testing. It is going to be a long week ahead anxiously awaiting to hear how my little embies are doing.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Good Day
Today was a good day.
We found out we are getting a decent tax refund.
We have some purchases we have been putting on hold. This money allows us to move forward with those.
We found out that Oklahoma has about 25 follies growing for us.
I told the husband anything over 20 was really good .... now anything can happen but 25 would be fan-freakin-tastic! We are on schedule for retrieval one week from today!
We found out we are getting a decent tax refund.
We have some purchases we have been putting on hold. This money allows us to move forward with those.
We found out that Oklahoma has about 25 follies growing for us.
I told the husband anything over 20 was really good .... now anything can happen but 25 would be fan-freakin-tastic! We are on schedule for retrieval one week from today!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Killing Frump Girl
So I am Frump Girl.... as my post last week discussed. I became frumpy over the two years of newlywedness, TTC, Infertility etc. I need Frump Girl to go away. The husband upon further inspection has become "Frump Guy". The other day when we were out and about I noticed he was wearing a shirt with the collar completely worn. Like homeless worn. He hasn't bought any new clothes since we bought him a few things last summer. We need to kill frump girl and frump guy. I am starting the process of going through our clothes ( he doesn't know this yet) and purge anything that has a hole in it, is too worn or doesn't fit. That will leave me with about 10 things to wear and him with about 5.
I have done better at dressing for work this week. My hair is disaster but I have an appointment in less than two weeks. I need a hair make over. I will also be getting a mani/pedi that week as I have a wedding to go to. So it will be more like a slow death but nevertheless frump girl is on her way out.
I have done better at dressing for work this week. My hair is disaster but I have an appointment in less than two weeks. I need a hair make over. I will also be getting a mani/pedi that week as I have a wedding to go to. So it will be more like a slow death but nevertheless frump girl is on her way out.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Countdown!
So this weekend as I wrote on Friday wasn't what I really wanted to do. ( Hang out with my Mother-in Law while my husband was at my brother-in laws all day long bacholer party.) The weekend came and went and I did hang out with her and it wasn't horrible. We didn't do much as I couldn't really get her to leave the house. She wanted to stay in and watch movies. I was ok with that. Oh she annoyed me for sure at times. She doesn't try to be annoying- we are just so so very different. She is very nice so I can't complain really. She however she can be passive aggressive and very stubborn. She also doesn't seem to listen or isn't that bright. I can't tell which. My sister in law ( her daughter) can't stand being around her mother. I get it. I think she should be more respectful to her mother, but I do get it.
I was so glad to see them all leave. I was tired and just wanted to be with the husband. It is weird I miss him when we have people over and we don't get our alone time. After they left we took a long nap together. It was glorious.
I got the call from Nurse T this morning! Oklahoma started her meds last night! She will have a monitoring appointment on Wednesday! We are on schedule for a retrieval next week!
I will have embryos NEXT WEEK!!!!!!
I was so glad to see them all leave. I was tired and just wanted to be with the husband. It is weird I miss him when we have people over and we don't get our alone time. After they left we took a long nap together. It was glorious.
I got the call from Nurse T this morning! Oklahoma started her meds last night! She will have a monitoring appointment on Wednesday! We are on schedule for a retrieval next week!
I will have embryos NEXT WEEK!!!!!!
Friday, April 4, 2014
Friday!
So glad it is Friday even if I don't get to do what I want this weekend. What do I want to do? Lay in bed and binge watch Netflix. Instead I will be babysitting my in laws why the husband works. Seriously irritates me but I don't have a choice. I like my in laws but they can annoy me for sure and hanging out with them by myself is just ....awkward.
Ok so today I made more of an effort in the clothes department. We get to dress down for work on Fridays so I wore some nice jeans (new) with some cute tennis shoes, a gray t-shirt and a black cardigan over it. It was cold today. Now points deducted for the t-shirt because it is semi frumpy and I was lazy and did a ponytail. Points added that I spent extra time on my makeup. It is a process.
No news on Oklahoma- She is suppose to get her period this weekend then start stimms. I will be emailing my nurse on Monday morning for an update!
Ok so today I made more of an effort in the clothes department. We get to dress down for work on Fridays so I wore some nice jeans (new) with some cute tennis shoes, a gray t-shirt and a black cardigan over it. It was cold today. Now points deducted for the t-shirt because it is semi frumpy and I was lazy and did a ponytail. Points added that I spent extra time on my makeup. It is a process.
No news on Oklahoma- She is suppose to get her period this weekend then start stimms. I will be emailing my nurse on Monday morning for an update!
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Frumpy
So I have realized that I have turned into a total frump. My frumpiness has just evolved over the past two years and I was trying to think back as to what is the cause and really there are so many reasons this has happened. I am trying to figure out who/what to blame.
So here is my blame list:
1. I got married. I got the guy so I don't need to impress men anymore. I don't need flirty dresses, short skirts or cute tops that show off my boobs. My husband can't keep his hands off me no matter what I wear so I might as well be comfortable.
2. I got married. I have to explain my purchases now. The husband doesn't hound me about my
purchases but I am more hesitant to spend money when he may ask me about it.
3. I got married. My husband is not frugal on anything but his own clothes. Seriously the man wears clothes that are falling apart at times. He doesn't have to dress up for work which is fine but seriously he is SO CHEAP when it comes to buying clothes for himself. I think this has rubbed off on me in a negative way. We are now the "frumpy couple" I am afraid.
4. I got married. I spend almost all my free time with my husband. I hardly do anything with my friends other than the occasional lunch date or birthday dinner. They say girls dress to impress their girlfriends and well since I am now lacking in that department I have no one to go shopping with or talk about fashion with etc..
5. I got married and started TTC. I have spent the past two years so obsessed with getting pregnant I haven't had the mental energy to work on my "style". I have to track my CM and order my ovualtion strips which takes precedence on looking at fashion magazines or shopping.
6. TTC. Feeling totally betrayed by my bodies inability to get and stay pregnant has giving me pretty low self esteem. I am not happy with my body on so many levels. Not just physically but biologically.
7. TTC. I refuse to buy new clothes because I want desperately to buy maternity clothes. So I hold out and don't buy anything. After 2 years my closest has seen better days.
8. TTC Between the immune issues, hormone injections, pregnancy loss, mild depression etc... I have put on weight. I have lost weight then gained ... up and down etc... My body is tired. Most of my clothes don't fit. Most are too small and some are too big. Most days I wear what is clean and fits that day.
So those are the reasons.... split pretty 50/50 on the blame. But getting married and infertility has not been kind to my fashion sense at all. I gotta do something about it!
So here is my blame list:
1. I got married. I got the guy so I don't need to impress men anymore. I don't need flirty dresses, short skirts or cute tops that show off my boobs. My husband can't keep his hands off me no matter what I wear so I might as well be comfortable.
2. I got married. I have to explain my purchases now. The husband doesn't hound me about my
purchases but I am more hesitant to spend money when he may ask me about it.
3. I got married. My husband is not frugal on anything but his own clothes. Seriously the man wears clothes that are falling apart at times. He doesn't have to dress up for work which is fine but seriously he is SO CHEAP when it comes to buying clothes for himself. I think this has rubbed off on me in a negative way. We are now the "frumpy couple" I am afraid.
4. I got married. I spend almost all my free time with my husband. I hardly do anything with my friends other than the occasional lunch date or birthday dinner. They say girls dress to impress their girlfriends and well since I am now lacking in that department I have no one to go shopping with or talk about fashion with etc..
5. I got married and started TTC. I have spent the past two years so obsessed with getting pregnant I haven't had the mental energy to work on my "style". I have to track my CM and order my ovualtion strips which takes precedence on looking at fashion magazines or shopping.
6. TTC. Feeling totally betrayed by my bodies inability to get and stay pregnant has giving me pretty low self esteem. I am not happy with my body on so many levels. Not just physically but biologically.
7. TTC. I refuse to buy new clothes because I want desperately to buy maternity clothes. So I hold out and don't buy anything. After 2 years my closest has seen better days.
8. TTC Between the immune issues, hormone injections, pregnancy loss, mild depression etc... I have put on weight. I have lost weight then gained ... up and down etc... My body is tired. Most of my clothes don't fit. Most are too small and some are too big. Most days I wear what is clean and fits that day.
So those are the reasons.... split pretty 50/50 on the blame. But getting married and infertility has not been kind to my fashion sense at all. I gotta do something about it!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
I am gluton for punishment
I think I have posted before about my need compulsion to "research" everything. Normally it isn't a big deal although it annoys my husband when in a middle of a conversation I will start googling something we are talking about. For instance... Cindy Lauper was on TV and we were guessing at her age. I couldn't NOT know the answer RIGHT then so I googled it. No big deal. Maybe a little crazy but nothing serious. I do it a lot though. I need information. I thrive on it. It is a major problem though when I start freaking myself out by googling and ready for over an hour about all the things that can go wrong in a pregnancy. I even read some horribly painful blogs on infant loss. WHAT THE CRAP AM I DOING?! HOW IS THIS HELPFUL?! I am not even pregnant yet and all I can do is "research" all the bad things that can happen.
Hey I know that I am going to have a very difficult time emotionally when I do get pregnant. After years of infertility and loss how could I not. I have to get my crap together though and stop it with the information hoarding and overload.
Sigh.
Hey I know that I am going to have a very difficult time emotionally when I do get pregnant. After years of infertility and loss how could I not. I have to get my crap together though and stop it with the information hoarding and overload.
Sigh.
Monday, March 31, 2014
April is Almost Here!
Woohoo April is almost here!!!! Lot's of good stuff going on! I have actually always loved April! The weather is always great, Spring colors are in style, Easter, Baseball, birthday parties, the start of grilling season and of course my little snowflakes will hopefully be made in April!!
Oklahoma ( my donor) is on her lupron and we wait for her to start stimms and that is when things will REALLY start getting crazy! We have a tentative retrieval date of 4/16! That is just a couple of weeks away!
This weekend the husband and I had a very nice relaxing yet very productive weekend! We ran some errands and had to go to Buy Buy Baby to get a shower present for a friend. We were both very excited to go in and look at all the baby gear! The husband I think was even more excited than I was! We walked around and just looked and talked about all the items we would want to register for. It got us very excited about our future! We looked at cribs and found a couple of different ones we liked. We then went home and sort of mentally planned out the nursery based on what we saw and liked.
I didn't buy a thing. Still too scared to, but wow do I love looking right now!
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Spring Fever equals Baby Fever
It is getting harder and harder not to look at baby stuff when I go to stores. I want to touch baby clothes. I want to ask mom's with tandem strollers questions. I had 30 minutes to spare yesterday and I wanted to go into Buy Buy Baby so bad and just look around. I have an upcoming baby shower to attend so I could have gone in there under those pretenses but I stayed strong. I haven't had this much baby fever since right after my honeymoon.
I should be getting an update from my nurse today.... I can't stop checking my email and I won't let my phone out of my sight!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
We are rolling!
Haven't written in a little while. Been super busy with work and the husband and I took a little weekend getaway to the mountains. It was so relaxing! We just explored and enjoyed each other! We of course discussed our kid/s all the time. Just dreaming mostly!
Cycle Update:
Oklahoma as started her cycle and she should get her meds today. She has a check up on Thursday and then will start lupron! The estimated retrieval is April 16th!! it was weird paying for someone elses meds. Although they were much cheaper!! I was always on max stimms and had crazy expensive pharmacy bills!
So in the meantime while I wait till the transfer ( mid-may) I am working on my diet and planning a ton in my mind. I started weening down on my caffeine this week and hope to be caffeine free by the transfer. Then just trying to lose some weigh and eat as healthy as I can.
I am also spending time on pinterest looking at nursery ideas etc...
I haven't bought anything. Too scared. I did buy a pair of little shoes almost 2 years ago when I thought I was pregnant. My plan was to serve them to the Husband on a plate instead of breakfast in bed. Well that didn't happen. I stuffed the little shoes in the bottom of my underwear drawer. I occasionally see them and just stuff them away again. I promised myself I would never buy baby stuff again until I had a pregnancy confirmation. Even when I was actually pregnant I didn't buy anything and was too scared until I saw a heartbeat. Since we didn't see the heartbeat and shortly miscarried I never bought a thing. I am feeling so optimistic about this cycle though I am getting really tempted to at least buy some maternity clothes on sale. I haven't caved. Yet. I did buy a couple of dresses last week from old navy. They are dresses that have plenty of room for some growth :) But not maternity!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Dreams
I dream most every night and most of the time my dreams are pretty standard ... you know random stuff. Well as I am getting closer to our cycle starting and thinking about my FET my dreams have gotten really weird. Last night I was on Pinterest looking at baby gear and so last night I dreamed about being hooked up to a breast pump. Ok that makes sense I had just read about it before I went to bed. However a few nights ago I dreamed that after the FET I found out that instead of transferring my embryo's they actually put Gollum from Lord of the Rings in me. I didn't watch the movie or talk about it so it was really out of the blue. I went on in that dream to give birth to him. Yeah. That was weird. I told my husband and now he just likes to torment me by looking at me and saying " My precious" in Gollum's creepy voice. I'm going to start writing my dreams down. I can't wait till I am actually pregnant because my friends tell me they you get some crazy vivid dreams!
Here is my "baby" I had the other night.....
Here is my "baby" I had the other night.....
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Feels like Spring
I have been complaining about the weather for so long that today I have to post about how beautiful it is outside! Sunny and 68 degrees! I will take it! It made me almost have a bounce in my step today! A cold front is coming in for a couple of days but I think Spring is finally here! Which means our cycle is almost here! I got my period today so I know Oklahoma will get hers next week! Please please please NO MORE DELAYS!
Nothing else really going on other than boring things to do list. I have to get on our taxes ASAP! UGH. We are hiring a new CPA this year and I just need to put together our OOP medical expenses and get all the paperwork to him, but I keep procrastinating. We are probably going to owe so there is no reason to file early to get a refund. We maxed our our flex spending last year and still have a ton of medical deductions but with the husband in a higher tax bracket I really doubt we will NOT owe.
Nothing else really going on other than boring things to do list. I have to get on our taxes ASAP! UGH. We are hiring a new CPA this year and I just need to put together our OOP medical expenses and get all the paperwork to him, but I keep procrastinating. We are probably going to owe so there is no reason to file early to get a refund. We maxed our our flex spending last year and still have a ton of medical deductions but with the husband in a higher tax bracket I really doubt we will NOT owe.
Monday, March 10, 2014
A Good Bath
( Disclaimer: That isn't me or my bath tub)
So in order to foster relaxation and create more intimacy the husband and I have started taking baths. Together. It's nice. Although we have totally different temperature preferences it is really relaxing. I like scalding hot bath that makes you all pink and toasty. He like a cooler bath. ( To me it is COLD) He wins for now since we need to keep his swimmers nice and cool for now. We have a HUGE tub that easily fits us both although there are the awkward getting in and out moments. We put in some scented oils and some bubbles and get the jet's going. Ahhh so nice. We even added some candles and soft music and we just hang out in there for about an hour and rest and talk. I have always loved a bath. In my single days I use to frequently take a long hot bath and bring a good book. For some reason when I got married I just stopped doing it. Now the baths are almost addicting! I even secretly want to get in with a good book by myself but I think the husband actually loves them even more than me so he would probably get upset if I did it alone. Last night he wanted to bring some strawberries in there! I convinced him it would be too soggy and messy. Ha!
Trying to enjoy these times with him. I know they will be few and far between when we have kids.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Wait Mode
It's Friday!! I can't wait to do almost absolutely NOTHING this weekend! I have a list of movies for the husband and I to watch and I am going to the store after work to grab healthy snacks etc! Trying to really concentrate on eating healthy. Not just for weight loss ( although that is a goal) but nourishing my body and preparing it for (hopefully) pregnancy. I need to start walking but I detest treadmills and it is still flippin cold outside. I think in the next couple of weeks that walks can begin!
Project Baby is in wait mode. We do have to sign and notarize our legal paperwork and get that in the mail. Then it is just more waiting for our cycle to begin!
Project Baby is in wait mode. We do have to sign and notarize our legal paperwork and get that in the mail. Then it is just more waiting for our cycle to begin!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
The Winter that wouldn't end
I am tired of complaining about winter.... so over it!
So spent the weekend snowed in for the most part. Luckily the husband and I really didn't have many plans so we just chilled, watched movies, and I played an obscene amount of Candy Crush.
We talked a lot about the future. We are too scared to actually believe we will actually ever have a real baby so every conversation is always tentative. I know by reading plenty of blogs and community boards that it is completely normal to feel this way until I have a real life baby at home in my arms. If this cycle works I will move on to fear and worry about loss etc.
I asked my husband the other day if he thought I needed therapy. It was a serious question. His response "probably". All I could do is laugh. Because after all that we have been through it was actually a stupid question to ask. I know I should. I don't know what is stopping me. This blog is the only real outlet I have. I guess I should at least look into therapy.
I have calmed down about our delay. After all what choice do I really have? It really helped that we got to go in and have a talk with Nurse T on Friday. The husband had to get some blood work done and we had a chance to sit down and express our fears and concerns. She was super great and assuring. She has full confidence in Oklahoma. I also finally got a response back from the agency coordinator. She basically blamed it all on Nurse T and gave a pretty pathetic apology. My respect for her has declined greatly but like the husband says " hopefully we don't ever have to see or talk to any of these people again".
So now we wait a couple of weeks to get started!
So spent the weekend snowed in for the most part. Luckily the husband and I really didn't have many plans so we just chilled, watched movies, and I played an obscene amount of Candy Crush.
We talked a lot about the future. We are too scared to actually believe we will actually ever have a real baby so every conversation is always tentative. I know by reading plenty of blogs and community boards that it is completely normal to feel this way until I have a real life baby at home in my arms. If this cycle works I will move on to fear and worry about loss etc.
I asked my husband the other day if he thought I needed therapy. It was a serious question. His response "probably". All I could do is laugh. Because after all that we have been through it was actually a stupid question to ask. I know I should. I don't know what is stopping me. This blog is the only real outlet I have. I guess I should at least look into therapy.
I have calmed down about our delay. After all what choice do I really have? It really helped that we got to go in and have a talk with Nurse T on Friday. The husband had to get some blood work done and we had a chance to sit down and express our fears and concerns. She was super great and assuring. She has full confidence in Oklahoma. I also finally got a response back from the agency coordinator. She basically blamed it all on Nurse T and gave a pretty pathetic apology. My respect for her has declined greatly but like the husband says " hopefully we don't ever have to see or talk to any of these people again".
So now we wait a couple of weeks to get started!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Delay
So I was thinking everything was starting to move on our cycle. Oklahoma was taking her pills and suppose to go in for a check on Monday and in the meantime we were getting the legal work done and preparing. Then I get an email. Not a phone call. A flippin email. That Oklahoma had an emergency and forgot her pills so now we have to start over next cycle. Oh the email also said "just a little delay of a few weeks". I was livid.
I get that things happen. I would still be upset that we are delayed but I am pissed at how it was handled. I let myself calm down and responded to the email today. Still haven't heard anything back. While this might be a little delay to the person who sent me an email it is my whole life. She needs to be more sensitive and communicate in a more professional way. With all the money we are paying we at least deserve that.
I can't dwell on it... all I can do is move forward and regroup. I am going to utilize the extra time to lose some weight and have some fun with the husband.
This weekend I think we are gonna just stay in and binge watch some movies. (Diet starts Monday LOL)
Oh and my fish died.
This week sucks.
I get that things happen. I would still be upset that we are delayed but I am pissed at how it was handled. I let myself calm down and responded to the email today. Still haven't heard anything back. While this might be a little delay to the person who sent me an email it is my whole life. She needs to be more sensitive and communicate in a more professional way. With all the money we are paying we at least deserve that.
I can't dwell on it... all I can do is move forward and regroup. I am going to utilize the extra time to lose some weight and have some fun with the husband.
This weekend I think we are gonna just stay in and binge watch some movies. (Diet starts Monday LOL)
Oh and my fish died.
This week sucks.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Dealing with the Nosy
Everyone deals with it at some time or another. Nosy questions and comments made by family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers that hurt, irk or royally piss you off. I guess it is just a part of the human experience I suppose.
When you are not dating someone you get the "Are you seeing anyone special?"
When you are dating someone you get " Is this the one?" "Do I hear wedding bells anytime soon?"
When you finally get engaged you hear observations about marriage and the questions about having a baby start to pop up.
The red hot minute you tie the knot you get flooded with the the baby questions. "So how when can we plan the baby shower?" "Will you be having kids right away?" Sigh.
Let me admit that I have been GUILTY of asking some of those kinds of questions to poor unassuming people in the past. I wish I could go back and kick my own ass for being nosy. I never intentionally meant to make anyone uncomfortable or pry or hurt. I guess I plead ignorance. I recently apologized to a dear friend whom I use to ask her on occasion if she was going to have another baby. While she did end up having another baby with no problem the point is IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS! She was cool about it, but I felt horrible.
So since I was such an idiot in the past I have to give a free pass to the people who do the same to me now. When I say free pass I mean I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't trying to be hurtful. It is not their intention to be hurtful. I generally let it go. Sure it hurts but I chalk it up mostly to nosy ignorance. That being said I do feel a sense of responsibility to their other victims out there. I give one free pass, then a polite but firm it is none of your business response. It is hard.
The longer I am in this journey my patience with this sort of bulls*it has lessened. It is seriously only by the grace of God and my fear of a women's prison ( thank you Orange is the New Black) that has kept me from punching a few folks. the folks who have used up the free pass... many times.
Case in Point: One of these lovely individuals is a coworker who I will call Doreen. Doreen works in another department but I have contact with her on a weekly basis. I always thought she was ok, a little gossipy but I can shoot the breeze with her. Problem: Doreeen loves to bring up babies and specifically when I will be having a baby. She loves to mention that " I'm not getting any younger". The first couple of times I just laughed and nervously muttered something unintelligible. Then I started just flat out ignoring her comments. Now I avoid her like the plague. I avoid because I am fearful of what might come out of my mouth should she mention this to me again. And I know she will. So why don't I just tell her off you ask? Well she loves making these comments in front of other co-workers so I am trying to hold myself together. Either a full on cuss out or tears or both are sure to follow. Perhaps even throwing of a stapler. So I avoid. So yep my big secret to dealing with the nosy is avoidance. Not exactly a brave or noble way of coping.
I know that when I do get pregnant the comments/questions will only continue. The husband and I are already coming up with an arsenal of responses. Can they send a pregnant woman to jail for assault? I think a jury of my IF peers would aquit me in a heartbeat.
When you are not dating someone you get the "Are you seeing anyone special?"
When you are dating someone you get " Is this the one?" "Do I hear wedding bells anytime soon?"
When you finally get engaged you hear observations about marriage and the questions about having a baby start to pop up.
The red hot minute you tie the knot you get flooded with the the baby questions. "So how when can we plan the baby shower?" "Will you be having kids right away?" Sigh.
Let me admit that I have been GUILTY of asking some of those kinds of questions to poor unassuming people in the past. I wish I could go back and kick my own ass for being nosy. I never intentionally meant to make anyone uncomfortable or pry or hurt. I guess I plead ignorance. I recently apologized to a dear friend whom I use to ask her on occasion if she was going to have another baby. While she did end up having another baby with no problem the point is IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS! She was cool about it, but I felt horrible.
So since I was such an idiot in the past I have to give a free pass to the people who do the same to me now. When I say free pass I mean I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't trying to be hurtful. It is not their intention to be hurtful. I generally let it go. Sure it hurts but I chalk it up mostly to nosy ignorance. That being said I do feel a sense of responsibility to their other victims out there. I give one free pass, then a polite but firm it is none of your business response. It is hard.
The longer I am in this journey my patience with this sort of bulls*it has lessened. It is seriously only by the grace of God and my fear of a women's prison ( thank you Orange is the New Black) that has kept me from punching a few folks. the folks who have used up the free pass... many times.
Case in Point: One of these lovely individuals is a coworker who I will call Doreen. Doreen works in another department but I have contact with her on a weekly basis. I always thought she was ok, a little gossipy but I can shoot the breeze with her. Problem: Doreeen loves to bring up babies and specifically when I will be having a baby. She loves to mention that " I'm not getting any younger". The first couple of times I just laughed and nervously muttered something unintelligible. Then I started just flat out ignoring her comments. Now I avoid her like the plague. I avoid because I am fearful of what might come out of my mouth should she mention this to me again. And I know she will. So why don't I just tell her off you ask? Well she loves making these comments in front of other co-workers so I am trying to hold myself together. Either a full on cuss out or tears or both are sure to follow. Perhaps even throwing of a stapler. So I avoid. So yep my big secret to dealing with the nosy is avoidance. Not exactly a brave or noble way of coping.
I know that when I do get pregnant the comments/questions will only continue. The husband and I are already coming up with an arsenal of responses. Can they send a pregnant woman to jail for assault? I think a jury of my IF peers would aquit me in a heartbeat.
Friday, February 21, 2014
2.21.14
Today is what would have been my due date for the child I lost.
2.21.14
A date forever etched in my mind and heart.
This baby was my first and may even be the only genetic baby I will ever have conceived.
I will never forget.
A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with ans early ending.
- RJ Gonazalez
Lyrics from the Song Glory Baby by Christy Nockels
Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
The crash that was enevitable
It's been a rough 24 hours. I knew this week was going to be tough with the "due date" but wow tougher than I thought.
Before writing more- I have an amazing husband and he is my everything. We have a wonderful marriage. That is all true.
All that being said. He doesn't understand what I have been through or what I am going through. He couldn't possibly. It isn't his fault. While he understands more than anyone else, it isn't his body that has a first hand account. So as much as he even thinks he understands he only gets about 80% off it. I also realize that I don't understand fully his experience in this whole thing.
Last night I came home from a very long day and I was tired and feeling a bit down. I have a million annoyances and tons of stress resting on a mountain of grief and honestly it was almost a matter of time before it all crashed down. He was being a jerk about something I felt was very insignificant and we ended up having a huge fight. I didn't handle it very well for sure but I was a bit shocked and amazed he could really do this to me this week of all weeks. It made me feel so crazy alone. So alone. I didn't even pull out the grief card because I knew it would only make the fight a million times worse. I took the blame, held my tongue, and just cried for the most part. ( He probably has a different version of that but this is my blog so I get editorial rights) I was so at a low that even all this really couldn't make me feel any worse. I already feel the worse about myself. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be on me. I don't need to be punished... I punish myself more than anyone could hurt me. It is a very dark place sometimes.
So if you are reading this you are probably wondering where int he hell is my "joy in the journey" right now. To be honest I have no freakin clue. All I can do is trust God that I will look back and see that he paved the way even through the pain. I will be honest there is no joy right now. There is a hope though and that is what gets me through the day.
My favorite author on grief:
“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Before writing more- I have an amazing husband and he is my everything. We have a wonderful marriage. That is all true.
All that being said. He doesn't understand what I have been through or what I am going through. He couldn't possibly. It isn't his fault. While he understands more than anyone else, it isn't his body that has a first hand account. So as much as he even thinks he understands he only gets about 80% off it. I also realize that I don't understand fully his experience in this whole thing.
Last night I came home from a very long day and I was tired and feeling a bit down. I have a million annoyances and tons of stress resting on a mountain of grief and honestly it was almost a matter of time before it all crashed down. He was being a jerk about something I felt was very insignificant and we ended up having a huge fight. I didn't handle it very well for sure but I was a bit shocked and amazed he could really do this to me this week of all weeks. It made me feel so crazy alone. So alone. I didn't even pull out the grief card because I knew it would only make the fight a million times worse. I took the blame, held my tongue, and just cried for the most part. ( He probably has a different version of that but this is my blog so I get editorial rights) I was so at a low that even all this really couldn't make me feel any worse. I already feel the worse about myself. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be on me. I don't need to be punished... I punish myself more than anyone could hurt me. It is a very dark place sometimes.
So if you are reading this you are probably wondering where int he hell is my "joy in the journey" right now. To be honest I have no freakin clue. All I can do is trust God that I will look back and see that he paved the way even through the pain. I will be honest there is no joy right now. There is a hope though and that is what gets me through the day.
My favorite author on grief:
“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
What to do while waiting
Valentines Weekend was pretty non eventful. We just spent the weekend running errands and discussing our upcoming cycle. I tried to stay off the internet so I wouldn't google everything that could go wrong. I think when I am actually pregnant I may need my husband to change our wifi password at home and not tell me what it is to keep me off.
We are still freaking waiting on hearing if Oklahoma got her period or not. I was told it would be last week! WTH?! I love my RE nurse but I also know how busy she is that I could easily slip through the cracks and she forget to update me. While I don't want to bother her with calls and emails, we are paying out our asses for this cycle so I figure sending her an email last night asking for an update wasn't too pushy. She replied early this morning that she had left Oklahoma a message and was waiting to hear back. Sigh.
UPDATE: Nurse T called and Oklahoma is spotting and CD1 should be tomorrow! YIPEE
I am not a patient person. So waiting is killing me! So to help with the waiting I am trying to fill my calendar up as much as possible for the next 2 months. Like seriously I am gonna schedule the hell out of the next 8 weeks. Bring on the distractions!
We are still freaking waiting on hearing if Oklahoma got her period or not. I was told it would be last week! WTH?! I love my RE nurse but I also know how busy she is that I could easily slip through the cracks and she forget to update me. While I don't want to bother her with calls and emails, we are paying out our asses for this cycle so I figure sending her an email last night asking for an update wasn't too pushy. She replied early this morning that she had left Oklahoma a message and was waiting to hear back. Sigh.
UPDATE: Nurse T called and Oklahoma is spotting and CD1 should be tomorrow! YIPEE
I am not a patient person. So waiting is killing me! So to help with the waiting I am trying to fill my calendar up as much as possible for the next 2 months. Like seriously I am gonna schedule the hell out of the next 8 weeks. Bring on the distractions!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Finally Shark Week!
My period has many names... this confuses my poor husband because he never knows what I am referring to.
Shark Week
Aunt FLo
Uncle Red
Crimson Wave
Bloody Mary
The Beyotch
La Sangre
After my cancelled IVF cycle I knew things could be a bit wonky. Even though I knew that being over a week late sent some crazy thoughts in my head. What if I got knocked up naturally? It is possible as I am not sterile. I would be super happy yet totally petrified though. After a couple chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage. I honestly don't think my eggs can produce a viable pregnancy. Dr. B says that isn't totally true. He said it is "possible" but give me abut a 3% chance. Well those aren't very good odds. Even if that is true I still believe in Miracles. So I believe ANYTHING is possible. I asked my husband what we would do if I did get pregnant between now and using all our embryos. He said he would be thrilled and we will just have to have more kids. I liked that answer :)
I have taken a test every couple of days and they were all negative. I did get a shadow line one morning that almost made me lose my mind. It could be a chemical that showed up for a day but I really think it was just an evap line or a faulty test. My clinic offered me provera to jump start my period but I held them off and told them I would take it if it didn't come by Monday. Last night woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom and there she was! No warning or anything! Just BAM! I took 2 Aleve went back to bed. I was so freakin happy.
I can't believe I just blogged about my period. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Waiting on Oklahoma's period now. It is ironic to me that our cycles are almost to the day. We aren't doing a fresh transfer so it doesn't matter really. Now I really never thought I would blog about my period then blogs about some strangers who I am waiting on. Oh how this isn't thought my life would be.
Shark Week
Aunt FLo
Uncle Red
Crimson Wave
Bloody Mary
The Beyotch
La Sangre
After my cancelled IVF cycle I knew things could be a bit wonky. Even though I knew that being over a week late sent some crazy thoughts in my head. What if I got knocked up naturally? It is possible as I am not sterile. I would be super happy yet totally petrified though. After a couple chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage. I honestly don't think my eggs can produce a viable pregnancy. Dr. B says that isn't totally true. He said it is "possible" but give me abut a 3% chance. Well those aren't very good odds. Even if that is true I still believe in Miracles. So I believe ANYTHING is possible. I asked my husband what we would do if I did get pregnant between now and using all our embryos. He said he would be thrilled and we will just have to have more kids. I liked that answer :)
I have taken a test every couple of days and they were all negative. I did get a shadow line one morning that almost made me lose my mind. It could be a chemical that showed up for a day but I really think it was just an evap line or a faulty test. My clinic offered me provera to jump start my period but I held them off and told them I would take it if it didn't come by Monday. Last night woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom and there she was! No warning or anything! Just BAM! I took 2 Aleve went back to bed. I was so freakin happy.
I can't believe I just blogged about my period. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Waiting on Oklahoma's period now. It is ironic to me that our cycles are almost to the day. We aren't doing a fresh transfer so it doesn't matter really. Now I really never thought I would blog about my period then blogs about some strangers who I am waiting on. Oh how this isn't thought my life would be.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Green Light
We finally made it to our RE consult this morning! Of course it included another round of winter weather. The streets were like a skating rink but we don't live too far from the office and although we had a couple of scary bridges to cross they seemed to be well sanded and we actually made it in plenty of time safe and sound!
We met with Dr. B and he is very happy with Oklahoma! Whew! Her AFC ( Antral Follicle Count) when he checked a few weeks ago was between 23-25! Ummm mine at it's highest was 6. Her bloodwork came back super and he has no hesitations about her. So we have a lot of potential. There is no way to know this early how many eggs we might get but he thinks close to 20 based on his experience. Of course anything can happen.
He is all on board with us doing PGD testing to make sure we only transfer healthy embryos. It will screen that the embryo has the right amount of chromosomes etc. It will also tell us the genders if we choose to know that. We choose to know! He is pushing for a single transfer while we want a double transfer which will give us an 80% chance of twins. ( Insert a bit of panic here)
We have a tentative schedule and are waiting on Oklahoma to start her protocol. We should have an egg retrieval the last week of March. We should have our transfer right before Easter. That gives me chills just thinking about it!
So excited to finally be moving forward!
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
This weekend hasn't been very productive. The weather is so yucky there is no point in going outside. So that leaves me to sit on my butt and look through blogs and forums and scare the crap out of myself with all kinds of things that can go wrong in a pregnancy. I am course know all the things that can go wrong early on, but I was reading more about late term issues. WHY THE HELL DID I READ THAT STUFF!? I am not even pregnant yet! I am worrying now about things I shouldn't. While I like to be informed and educated I think I need to step away from the internet. Sheesh! I need an intervention.
Waiting anxiously for our consultation on Tuesday. I am praying that it doesn't get cancelled as there is another winter weather system headed our way early this week. While I only live a few minutes from my RE, I do have to cross a bridge to get there and when it is icy I go into panic mode crossing it. A couple of ice storms ago I saw a car spin out and hit the guardrail. I am also waiting on my period which should be here today. So far no sign of it. I am trying not to read too much into that because quitting meds in the middle of a cycle no doubt messed up this month. I promised myself I wouldn't take an HPT until tomorrow morning. That would be so my luck to be pregnant the cycle we move forward with DEIVF. Seriously.
Waiting anxiously for our consultation on Tuesday. I am praying that it doesn't get cancelled as there is another winter weather system headed our way early this week. While I only live a few minutes from my RE, I do have to cross a bridge to get there and when it is icy I go into panic mode crossing it. A couple of ice storms ago I saw a car spin out and hit the guardrail. I am also waiting on my period which should be here today. So far no sign of it. I am trying not to read too much into that because quitting meds in the middle of a cycle no doubt messed up this month. I promised myself I wouldn't take an HPT until tomorrow morning. That would be so my luck to be pregnant the cycle we move forward with DEIVF. Seriously.
Friday, February 7, 2014
FInally Some News!
As I was starring outside at the mounds of snow yesterday morning, totally depressed that winter is still here, I got a call from T my nurse at the RE's office. I was shocked to see her number as I really wasn't expecting to hear a word form her until sometime next week! She called to tell me that Oklahoma's test results had come back and everything looked great! We have a consultation with Dr. B on Tuesday to finalize the cycle and ask questions etc. I realized that I was so excited for the call, that I forgot to ask some details about the testing. I am a moron. So I sent her an email and hope to get the answers back pronto. So next week we should be a big week to get the cycle rolling! I won't actually get pregnant until end of April most likely but it is nice to have anything moving forward right now.
I still hate the weather.
I have been very positive the past few days. I still hate my body for failing don't get me wrong. I am still grieving the loss of a future genetic child and certainly mourning the little one we did lose that was to be born this month. Despite all that DH and I are dreaming and talking a lot bout babies and I even enjoy looking at baby stuff on Pinterest. Can't handle pregnant ladies though. Not sure if I ever will really.
I told DH last night that I feel a little lost. I have spent 2 years trying everything in my power to have a baby with my body. I have obsessed so hard that now that we aren't relying on my eggs anymore it feels weird. I don't know how to stop obsessing. Don't get me wrong there is a huge weight off my shoulders on one hand. I don't have the pressure... but I don't know how to adjust to NOT feeling that pressure. So weird.
I still hate the weather.
I have been very positive the past few days. I still hate my body for failing don't get me wrong. I am still grieving the loss of a future genetic child and certainly mourning the little one we did lose that was to be born this month. Despite all that DH and I are dreaming and talking a lot bout babies and I even enjoy looking at baby stuff on Pinterest. Can't handle pregnant ladies though. Not sure if I ever will really.
I told DH last night that I feel a little lost. I have spent 2 years trying everything in my power to have a baby with my body. I have obsessed so hard that now that we aren't relying on my eggs anymore it feels weird. I don't know how to stop obsessing. Don't get me wrong there is a huge weight off my shoulders on one hand. I don't have the pressure... but I don't know how to adjust to NOT feeling that pressure. So weird.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Wind Knocked Out of Me
I really promised myself I wasn't going to blog about my loss anymore, but as my would have been due date is fast approaching it is getting harder to not think about it. Today I was doing fine until I ran into a coworker who I know shared my due date. I work for a huge company and so I rarely see her, but today I saw her 3 freaking times. She is very pregnant. Seeing her belly and glow of anticipation is hard. I wish the best for her. She is young and beautiful and I know her little girl will be adorable. The last time I saw her today I was in a department she never is in and of course she walks in and all the women start gushing over her and she is telling them all about her nursery and how she is so ready etc... I had to leave. Like bolt out of there. I literally felt the air being sucked out of me. I felt my heart stop. I was afraid I would literally die from the feeling. Totally ruined my day.
While I knew that my due date would always be difficult and I know the day will never pass that I don't think about the Little One that we lost, I didn't expect what I felt today. I thought that the blow would be lessened by my FET that would have happened this month if my cycle hadn't been cancelled. I thought that even all the prep for the next cycle might lessen the blow. I was under the naive assumption that I could get through it without falling apart. I am praying I still can. I am not so sure I can.
While I knew that my due date would always be difficult and I know the day will never pass that I don't think about the Little One that we lost, I didn't expect what I felt today. I thought that the blow would be lessened by my FET that would have happened this month if my cycle hadn't been cancelled. I thought that even all the prep for the next cycle might lessen the blow. I was under the naive assumption that I could get through it without falling apart. I am praying I still can. I am not so sure I can.
Monday, February 3, 2014
So over Winter!
So it snowed last night. It was about 2 inches and not a pretty snow mind you but more of an ice/snow mixture that is really good for nothing. Normally I would be all for any kind of wintry weather but this year I am so ready for spring! Right now I am in a season of waiting. I know my IVF was just cancelled 3 weeks ago and I just picked my donor 2 weeks ago, but geez louise time seems like it is at a freakin standstill! Donor should cycle mid February- egg retrieval will be in early March and FET will be in early April most likely. That seems like an eternity.
DH went and got his blood work done last week. They just want to make sure he isn't a carrier for anything and get his blood type since we didn't know. I tried to get any info I could from the donor nurse and coordinator about what is going on... but nothing is going on so they had nothing to tell me. They just said "No news is good news!" For me that isn't true though.... no news means that my mind is going crazy thinking the very worst. We are waiting on Oklahoma ( the nickname I have given the donor since that is where she lives) to get her period so she can do her Day 3 bloodwork and get cleared to start. She should start around the 10th so I bet I won't hear a word until sometime next week. It is so weird that I am so concerned/interested hoping for someone else to get her period. I haven't looked at Oklahoma's donor profile since DH and I solidified our decision. I just didn't need to. Today I looked at it just so I could confirm her blood type. We didn't consider this when we picked her but as DH and I were talking we realized that this could be problematic down the road. Good news is that she has my husbands blood type so all in the clear there! One less thing to worry about!
So to pass time all I can do is stay busy. Work is crazy busy right now and will be for awhile. At home I am just coming up with a list of projects to get done and making myself do it. I am also gonna look for a new Netflix series to help keep me off the internet will I will google everything IVF/DE related for hours. I know I should live in the moment and enjoy this time but i want to be pregnant like yesterday.
DH went and got his blood work done last week. They just want to make sure he isn't a carrier for anything and get his blood type since we didn't know. I tried to get any info I could from the donor nurse and coordinator about what is going on... but nothing is going on so they had nothing to tell me. They just said "No news is good news!" For me that isn't true though.... no news means that my mind is going crazy thinking the very worst. We are waiting on Oklahoma ( the nickname I have given the donor since that is where she lives) to get her period so she can do her Day 3 bloodwork and get cleared to start. She should start around the 10th so I bet I won't hear a word until sometime next week. It is so weird that I am so concerned/interested hoping for someone else to get her period. I haven't looked at Oklahoma's donor profile since DH and I solidified our decision. I just didn't need to. Today I looked at it just so I could confirm her blood type. We didn't consider this when we picked her but as DH and I were talking we realized that this could be problematic down the road. Good news is that she has my husbands blood type so all in the clear there! One less thing to worry about!
So to pass time all I can do is stay busy. Work is crazy busy right now and will be for awhile. At home I am just coming up with a list of projects to get done and making myself do it. I am also gonna look for a new Netflix series to help keep me off the internet will I will google everything IVF/DE related for hours. I know I should live in the moment and enjoy this time but i want to be pregnant like yesterday.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
A Fork in the Road
So I have really sucked in updating this blog. I think I have been both too mentally and emotionally drained to put a sentence together much less string a bunch together into something that is perhaps readable. So here is the summary of what has happened.
1. My IVF cycle was cancelled. After 6 days of max stims I had NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING. My estrogen levels were on the floor. After my last scan I was worried. Even though the nurses tried to tell me it was too soon to know, I knew. So I had a whole weekend to process that this IVF attempt was probably futile. After all not my first cancelled cycle I knew it was coming. I also knew that if this happened that Dr. B was going to have another talk with me about the state of my ovaries. Sure enough I was shuffled in a room whole the nurses spoke in hush tones right outside the door. Dr. B came in with a nurse who had bad news written all over her face. He told me how we have tried everything and there was no point in trying again with my own ovaries. They were done. He then asked me again about donor IVF and told me he thought this was my best option to birth a baby. I held it together and asked for some info to take home to discuss with my husband. He got the nurse who handles donor IVF to come talk to me. She is my favorite nurse. They are all pretty nice but nurse T is older and just gives off this sweet maternal vibe. She might even recognize me ( that has run across my mind because of the way she smiles at me), but I don't even care. She told me about how successful their program was and told me of some of the recent couples who have had success. She gave me a pricing sheet and three brochures of agencies she works with. I took the info as tears rolled down my cheeks. She gave me a hug.
2. So now what to do? My DH and I have discussed all of our options numerous times in the past, but we still needed to process that this step in our plan had failed and we had a huge fork in the road.
Child Free? We both cannot even consider this option
Try another clinic and beg them to do another IVF? Statistically we have no hope that another one would work and we can't spend another 25,000 on a next to nothing chance.
Adoption? I support adoption, but I feel a great need to be pregnant and give birth. There is nothing wrong with my uterus. DH isn't as pro adoption as I am and really needs the genetic link.
Embryo Adoption? I actually love this option, but again DH and the genetic connection issue
Donor Egg IVF? The one option we can both agree on. Crazy expensive though. Our families would have a hard time accepting this so we would have to keep a huge secret- perhaps forever.
And of course there is another option to consider... Try naturally. I am not sterile. There is a very very small chance that I could conceive on my own if we kept trying. ( athough 2 years would say otherwise) I know the Christian community would say this should be my only option. I am sure I would be reminded of Sara in the Bible and hear stories about how so and so prayed for x amount of years and finally became pregnant. If I was a true Christian then that is what I would do. ( except if I choose traditional adoption because that is ok since we are suppose to help orphans). Believe me I have wrestled and struggled through the pros and cons of every option. I know that each choice has physical, mental, emotional, financial and even spiritual impact.
I also know that if I was to survey my family and friends they would all have an opinion as to what we should do or what they think is "right". The thing is they don't get a voice. This isn't their struggle and this isn't their journey. It is mine and DH's. I am a soon 37 year old with crap ovaries, hormone issues, an immune disorder. I have been poked, probed and injected with powerful drugs for two years. I have had numerous medicated cycles, cancelled cycles and a devastating miscarriage. No one knows or gets it so why should I consider their opinions?
Our Choice
Donor Egg IVF. While this is a line I never thought I would have to consider crossing. I am here. It is the choice I have made. It is a choice I have cried over countless times. It is the option that DH and I feel that will provide us with a family. It is a choice that will impact the rest of our lives. We are praying that all though it is unconventional in so many ways, that it will build our family. That we will be a family that fought for each other and that will love each other, love others and love God so freakin much that we can look back and say " It was the right choice".
Friday, January 17, 2014
Follicles
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