Went in this morning for my first beta. I am 10dp6dt so hopefully I see a nice strong beta number. My tests are dark and pop up positive as soon as the urine runs across the panel. I am symptomatic etc. All great signs but until I get through betas, then ultrasounds, then see a heartbeat It is all up in the air and includes lot's and lot's of waiting!!
Today I am pregnant and 4weeks and 3 days.
Symptoms: Nipples are on fires, gas, occasional twinges in the ute, waves of nausea, thirsty, frequent urination.
Cravings: Sour/tart and tangy foods are what I crave and seem to taste the best. I had some really tart frozen yogurt last night and it was heaven in my mouth. Greasy foods such as pizza and burgers are not appealing.
I should get the call about my beta this afternoon.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
IF brain
I knew it was only a matter of time before IF brain kicked in and started making me doubt this pregnancy. I was feeling really good about the pregnancy 2 whole days since I found out, but then last night I went to the bathroom and there was the slightest twinge of pink on the toilet paper. Mere drops of watery watery pink. I stopped breathing. Now the logical calm rational non IF pregnant girl would assume it is either 1. implantation spotting which makes sense being 7 days past transfer. or 2. irritated cervix from progesterone.
But I am not rational. I am hormonal. I am traumatized by the past. This fear and trauma I have experienced in my past makes me think several things but the bottom line is I don't believe I will actually get a live baby. I will miscarry. Something will happen. Not exactly a joyful journey in this pregnancy so far. So I realize I have to make a choice. I have to choose to TRUST and BELIEVE that God is going to take care of me and this baby/babies no matter what. It is all out of my control. No amount of obsessing, googling, or panicking is going to help. God knows my path.
I am under no false illusion that this way of thinking and believing will be easy. I am sure I will have to talk myself of a ledge daily, but I don't want to live in terror for 9 months.
Beta is Friday.
But I am not rational. I am hormonal. I am traumatized by the past. This fear and trauma I have experienced in my past makes me think several things but the bottom line is I don't believe I will actually get a live baby. I will miscarry. Something will happen. Not exactly a joyful journey in this pregnancy so far. So I realize I have to make a choice. I have to choose to TRUST and BELIEVE that God is going to take care of me and this baby/babies no matter what. It is all out of my control. No amount of obsessing, googling, or panicking is going to help. God knows my path.
I am under no false illusion that this way of thinking and believing will be easy. I am sure I will have to talk myself of a ledge daily, but I don't want to live in terror for 9 months.
Beta is Friday.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Pregnant.
WARNING (pregnancy post)
I am pregnant.
Like for real pregnant.
I took another test this morning on a FRER and the second line popped up super fast and was almost as dark as the control line. I was too scared to use a digital but I think I might tomorrow. I am 7dpa6dt (13dpo). My beta is Friday. I emailed my nurse asking if I had to wait till Friday and she said it was best to so I will have to wait to see what kind of number we are working on. It is still so early and I am scared. I know this could all go south in a hot minute. But I am trying to enjoy being pregnant for today.
Symptoms: Boobs are killing me, more frequent urnination, mild nausea, twinges here and there in my ute. No appetite.
Cravings: Anything sour (which I normally hate). Pickles, Olives, Limes..anything tart sounds good.
I am 4weeks today. The math is confusing but since it was a 6 day transfer I just used a 5 day FET calculator and added a day. The embryo/s are tiny. As big as the period at the end of this sentence. That is small.
I am pregnant.
Like for real pregnant.
I took another test this morning on a FRER and the second line popped up super fast and was almost as dark as the control line. I was too scared to use a digital but I think I might tomorrow. I am 7dpa6dt (13dpo). My beta is Friday. I emailed my nurse asking if I had to wait till Friday and she said it was best to so I will have to wait to see what kind of number we are working on. It is still so early and I am scared. I know this could all go south in a hot minute. But I am trying to enjoy being pregnant for today.
Symptoms: Boobs are killing me, more frequent urnination, mild nausea, twinges here and there in my ute. No appetite.
Cravings: Anything sour (which I normally hate). Pickles, Olives, Limes..anything tart sounds good.
I am 4weeks today. The math is confusing but since it was a 6 day transfer I just used a 5 day FET calculator and added a day. The embryo/s are tiny. As big as the period at the end of this sentence. That is small.
Waiting after the FET
The day of the FET I didn't feel that different, just tired. Here is the cliff notes version of what I felt like the following days. I was on strict 48 hours bed rest then took it easy after that.
1 day past transfer.
Still on bed rest and feeling super gassy. Like an obscene amount of gas. My husband makes fun of me for it. I blamed it on the curry I had for dinner.
2 day past transfer.
I was on bed rest for the morning. Still gassy and maybe feel some light cramping. My boobs are getting a bit sore but I am on PIO shots so that isn't too abnormal. That evening I go to Whole Foods to get some dinner and vitamins When I am walking through the store I feel both ravenous and yet have some nausea. Very light cramping.
3 days past transfer.
I go back to work. No appetite at all. Super tired. Boobs are starting to really hurt.
4 days past transfer.
Night sweats, I have to turn the air to 65 and the fan and freeze out my husband. I have a wave of nausea right before lunch. No appetite. Boobs are really sensitive and hurting more. Fatigue.
5 days past transfer.
I swear I am having hot flashes. MASSIVE nausea after lunch, have to lie down. Major fatigue. Craving limes...weird.
6 days past transfer.
Minor nausea, hot flashes, boobs look different. Nips are different color and feel different. Painful to touch. Despite being told to wait I test at night. BFP!!!! Nice and dark line!! I can't freaking beleive it!!
1 day past transfer.
Still on bed rest and feeling super gassy. Like an obscene amount of gas. My husband makes fun of me for it. I blamed it on the curry I had for dinner.
2 day past transfer.
I was on bed rest for the morning. Still gassy and maybe feel some light cramping. My boobs are getting a bit sore but I am on PIO shots so that isn't too abnormal. That evening I go to Whole Foods to get some dinner and vitamins When I am walking through the store I feel both ravenous and yet have some nausea. Very light cramping.
3 days past transfer.
I go back to work. No appetite at all. Super tired. Boobs are starting to really hurt.
4 days past transfer.
Night sweats, I have to turn the air to 65 and the fan and freeze out my husband. I have a wave of nausea right before lunch. No appetite. Boobs are really sensitive and hurting more. Fatigue.
5 days past transfer.
I swear I am having hot flashes. MASSIVE nausea after lunch, have to lie down. Major fatigue. Craving limes...weird.
6 days past transfer.
Minor nausea, hot flashes, boobs look different. Nips are different color and feel different. Painful to touch. Despite being told to wait I test at night. BFP!!!! Nice and dark line!! I can't freaking beleive it!!
FET
I thought I would be keeping this blog more up to date during the transfer and 2 week wait. I totally failed. So I will do a bit of back tracking before I explain what is going on right now.
FET was Tuesday May 20th. We showed up at the clinic around noon. My transfer was scheduled for 12:30. I was told to come with a full bladder and I did! My clinic is fancy. One building is where the regular sonos, appointments, blood draws, IUI's etc happen. The other building is where the labs are and where the operating rooms are. They perform Egg retrievals there, some testing such as the HSG, and FETs. We show up sign the paperwork, pay our bill and ushered by a sweet young nurse to a room where I put on a gown and the husband is given scrubs. Nurse "Sweet thing" as I will call her gave me a Valium. That was an unexpected bonus! The embryologist came in and talked to us and gave me a picture of the two embies we were transferring. I saw those little blobs on and it all became real.
By this time it was well past 12:30pm and my bladder felt like it might explode. Dr. B came in, gave me a pep talk and then they rolled me back to one of the Operating rooms. This freaked me out a bit. I just wasn't expecting a full operating room for a FET. It was all dark and I saw my favorite sonographer there and another nurse. They got me situated and I got nervous. They had warned us that Dr. B didn't like talking during a FET. So I just laid there quietly while they discussed how beautiful my uterus looked on the monitors.
The embryologists came in and verified my name again and then handed Dr. B my embies which he passed through a catheter and the sonographer showed us where he was placing them. We saw a burst of white light and it was done. She replayed it so we could see it again. I thought this moment would make me cry. I didn't. I just layed there and watched ... in awe. They then moved me back to my recovery room and made me lie there for a while before I could pee. THAT was uncomfortable! They let me pee then made me lie back down for 45 minutes. The husband then drove me home and I slept a couple of hours as the valium made me so sleepy.
Two embies transferred. Just like that.
FET was Tuesday May 20th. We showed up at the clinic around noon. My transfer was scheduled for 12:30. I was told to come with a full bladder and I did! My clinic is fancy. One building is where the regular sonos, appointments, blood draws, IUI's etc happen. The other building is where the labs are and where the operating rooms are. They perform Egg retrievals there, some testing such as the HSG, and FETs. We show up sign the paperwork, pay our bill and ushered by a sweet young nurse to a room where I put on a gown and the husband is given scrubs. Nurse "Sweet thing" as I will call her gave me a Valium. That was an unexpected bonus! The embryologist came in and talked to us and gave me a picture of the two embies we were transferring. I saw those little blobs on and it all became real.
By this time it was well past 12:30pm and my bladder felt like it might explode. Dr. B came in, gave me a pep talk and then they rolled me back to one of the Operating rooms. This freaked me out a bit. I just wasn't expecting a full operating room for a FET. It was all dark and I saw my favorite sonographer there and another nurse. They got me situated and I got nervous. They had warned us that Dr. B didn't like talking during a FET. So I just laid there quietly while they discussed how beautiful my uterus looked on the monitors.
The embryologists came in and verified my name again and then handed Dr. B my embies which he passed through a catheter and the sonographer showed us where he was placing them. We saw a burst of white light and it was done. She replayed it so we could see it again. I thought this moment would make me cry. I didn't. I just layed there and watched ... in awe. They then moved me back to my recovery room and made me lie there for a while before I could pee. THAT was uncomfortable! They let me pee then made me lie back down for 45 minutes. The husband then drove me home and I slept a couple of hours as the valium made me so sleepy.
Two embies transferred. Just like that.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
We have a transfer date!!
Went for my lining check yesterday. This is where they do an ultrasound to determine the thickness of your lining to make sure it is ready for implantation. They also check for any cysts etc that could cause any problems. I was nervous. Never had lining issues before but I know in the Infertility world that another issue or delay could pop out of nowhere. GOOD NEWS! My lining was an 11! They want to see it over 8 so 11 was great! They also did not see anything else to be of concern at this point. So we have a transfer date..... TUESDAY!
One thing I was unprepared for was that my RE has a strict 48 bed rest protocol. That puts me out of work for three days. I can swing it I just wasn't really prepared! I am going to have to call in with a major "stomach bug" for people to buy it.
I also started PIO ( Progesterone in Oil) injections and continue to take estrogen. I will take these shots until I am ten weeks pregnant. Every night. I usually do shots myself but since this one is in the rear and I can't see it I decided the husband was going to have to do it. This is huge for me to give up control of the shots. I was scared it would be a debacle but he did a good job. Didn't hurt too bad. I know that in a few weeks I will barely be able to sit because the injection sites will welt up, but sitting on a heating pad last night helped.
One reason I wanted him to o the injections is because in the past he hasn't been that involved with my cycles. He sees all the needles etc, but I rarely gave myself the shots in front of him. I feel like he was a bit detached from the whole process. I go to most appointments by myself etc... I want him to understand more about the process and what I am going through so maybe he will be a bit more.... grateful? Understanding? I am not trying to knock the Husband... he is amazing and supportive but if we are being honest a bit ignorant about everything. Plus when I bitch about how it hurts or I am tired of the shots he will actually have a clue and give me a pass.
TUESDAY CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH!!!
One thing I was unprepared for was that my RE has a strict 48 bed rest protocol. That puts me out of work for three days. I can swing it I just wasn't really prepared! I am going to have to call in with a major "stomach bug" for people to buy it.
I also started PIO ( Progesterone in Oil) injections and continue to take estrogen. I will take these shots until I am ten weeks pregnant. Every night. I usually do shots myself but since this one is in the rear and I can't see it I decided the husband was going to have to do it. This is huge for me to give up control of the shots. I was scared it would be a debacle but he did a good job. Didn't hurt too bad. I know that in a few weeks I will barely be able to sit because the injection sites will welt up, but sitting on a heating pad last night helped.
One reason I wanted him to o the injections is because in the past he hasn't been that involved with my cycles. He sees all the needles etc, but I rarely gave myself the shots in front of him. I feel like he was a bit detached from the whole process. I go to most appointments by myself etc... I want him to understand more about the process and what I am going through so maybe he will be a bit more.... grateful? Understanding? I am not trying to knock the Husband... he is amazing and supportive but if we are being honest a bit ignorant about everything. Plus when I bitch about how it hurts or I am tired of the shots he will actually have a clue and give me a pass.
TUESDAY CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH!!!
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day
Mother's Day....
I thought with the impending transfer next week that somehow this day would be easier this year. Nope. Just as hard. I know people mean well but being wished a Happy Mother's Day is like someone poking you with a sharp medal object. All I can do is give a half smile and say thank you and try not to cry. What I really want to say is...." Yeah not so happy considering I am not a Mother and the only child I have ever had is not living." I don't say that, but part of me imagines the look on their face if I did. I am hurt by their comment but their comment is ignorant to me not spiteful so I don't want to hurt them back. They say "hurt people hurt people" and I don't want to be like that. So I am just trying to get through the day. I am trying to focus on just celebrating my mom. She is the best. Seriously luckiest daughter in the world. Trying to focus on how grateful I am to have her.
Lining check is Wednesday. I start taking 3 estrogen pills a day today. No major side effects other than my digestive system is a bit off. I should start the PIO injections on Wednesday. If everything goes well with my lining check I will get a transfer date. I am hoping it will be Monday, but it could be anytime next week.
I thought with the impending transfer next week that somehow this day would be easier this year. Nope. Just as hard. I know people mean well but being wished a Happy Mother's Day is like someone poking you with a sharp medal object. All I can do is give a half smile and say thank you and try not to cry. What I really want to say is...." Yeah not so happy considering I am not a Mother and the only child I have ever had is not living." I don't say that, but part of me imagines the look on their face if I did. I am hurt by their comment but their comment is ignorant to me not spiteful so I don't want to hurt them back. They say "hurt people hurt people" and I don't want to be like that. So I am just trying to get through the day. I am trying to focus on just celebrating my mom. She is the best. Seriously luckiest daughter in the world. Trying to focus on how grateful I am to have her.
Lining check is Wednesday. I start taking 3 estrogen pills a day today. No major side effects other than my digestive system is a bit off. I should start the PIO injections on Wednesday. If everything goes well with my lining check I will get a transfer date. I am hoping it will be Monday, but it could be anytime next week.
Friday, May 2, 2014
FET cylce starts today!
So today is the official beginning of my FET cycle. It has been a LONG time coming. The protocol is super easy compared to what I have been through previously. I will be taking estrogen for 12 days, get a lining check, add in Progesterone in oil shots then they will transfer my embies. Yes embies. plural. We are going to transfer 2 pgd tested embies. So yes twins are very likely. Not guaranteed as nothing is, but likely. I am ok with twins in theory. I have friends who have twins and they love it. With the husbands and I's age and desire of a big family this helps make that dream plausible. Yes there are also risks. Twin pregancy is no joke. For someone who is scared to be pregnant due to the past... this honestly terrifies me. It will be hard in every way. All I can do is trust that it will all work out. Sure I let my mind go to the worst case scenarios all the time. I am going to have to learn to flip the "IF brain" switch if I don't want to be a basketcase. I can't wallow in fear. So I am going to have to CHOOSE to be positive and dare I say.... happy.
Also... good news! I got my labs and all my immune levels look awesome so no delays hopefully!
Also... good news! I got my labs and all my immune levels look awesome so no delays hopefully!
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