So I have really sucked in updating this blog. I think I have been both too mentally and emotionally drained to put a sentence together much less string a bunch together into something that is perhaps readable. So here is the summary of what has happened.
1. My IVF cycle was cancelled. After 6 days of max stims I had NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING. My estrogen levels were on the floor. After my last scan I was worried. Even though the nurses tried to tell me it was too soon to know, I knew. So I had a whole weekend to process that this IVF attempt was probably futile. After all not my first cancelled cycle I knew it was coming. I also knew that if this happened that Dr. B was going to have another talk with me about the state of my ovaries. Sure enough I was shuffled in a room whole the nurses spoke in hush tones right outside the door. Dr. B came in with a nurse who had bad news written all over her face. He told me how we have tried everything and there was no point in trying again with my own ovaries. They were done. He then asked me again about donor IVF and told me he thought this was my best option to birth a baby. I held it together and asked for some info to take home to discuss with my husband. He got the nurse who handles donor IVF to come talk to me. She is my favorite nurse. They are all pretty nice but nurse T is older and just gives off this sweet maternal vibe. She might even recognize me ( that has run across my mind because of the way she smiles at me), but I don't even care. She told me about how successful their program was and told me of some of the recent couples who have had success. She gave me a pricing sheet and three brochures of agencies she works with. I took the info as tears rolled down my cheeks. She gave me a hug.
2. So now what to do? My DH and I have discussed all of our options numerous times in the past, but we still needed to process that this step in our plan had failed and we had a huge fork in the road.
Child Free? We both cannot even consider this option
Try another clinic and beg them to do another IVF? Statistically we have no hope that another one would work and we can't spend another 25,000 on a next to nothing chance.
Adoption? I support adoption, but I feel a great need to be pregnant and give birth. There is nothing wrong with my uterus. DH isn't as pro adoption as I am and really needs the genetic link.
Embryo Adoption? I actually love this option, but again DH and the genetic connection issue
Donor Egg IVF? The one option we can both agree on. Crazy expensive though. Our families would have a hard time accepting this so we would have to keep a huge secret- perhaps forever.
And of course there is another option to consider... Try naturally. I am not sterile. There is a very very small chance that I could conceive on my own if we kept trying. ( athough 2 years would say otherwise) I know the Christian community would say this should be my only option. I am sure I would be reminded of Sara in the Bible and hear stories about how so and so prayed for x amount of years and finally became pregnant. If I was a true Christian then that is what I would do. ( except if I choose traditional adoption because that is ok since we are suppose to help orphans). Believe me I have wrestled and struggled through the pros and cons of every option. I know that each choice has physical, mental, emotional, financial and even spiritual impact.
I also know that if I was to survey my family and friends they would all have an opinion as to what we should do or what they think is "right". The thing is they don't get a voice. This isn't their struggle and this isn't their journey. It is mine and DH's. I am a soon 37 year old with crap ovaries, hormone issues, an immune disorder. I have been poked, probed and injected with powerful drugs for two years. I have had numerous medicated cycles, cancelled cycles and a devastating miscarriage. No one knows or gets it so why should I consider their opinions?
Our Choice
Donor Egg IVF. While this is a line I never thought I would have to consider crossing. I am here. It is the choice I have made. It is a choice I have cried over countless times. It is the option that DH and I feel that will provide us with a family. It is a choice that will impact the rest of our lives. We are praying that all though it is unconventional in so many ways, that it will build our family. That we will be a family that fought for each other and that will love each other, love others and love God so freakin much that we can look back and say " It was the right choice".
