Christmas Time is Here... but No Baby this Year

 I love Christmas but this year... it is a bit sad and I am so tired.

My IUI was a bust.  4 eggs and nothing. I held it together pretty well for a while then had a total meltdown.  My DH even broke down and we held each other and sobbed.  It was horrible and beautiful all at the same time.  So sad but at the same time so blessed to have such an amazing man.

I met with Dr. B and we have decided it is time to go to IVF.  So conflicting.  Noone wants to go to IVF but we are actually happy that we get the chance since I wasn't even a candidate a few months ago.  We are scared.  it is so expensive.  It might not work.  So many scenarios.  I wake up at night and just go through it all in my head.

So the IVF plan:

12/24 hysteroscopy ( just what every girl wants for Christmas).  This will let Dr. B look into my uterus and make sure everything is as it should be.

1/6 Mock Trial.  Literally they pretend to put an embryo in you.  So weird.

1/15 ish I start Menopur.  heavy doses... shots morning and night later Ganirelix will be added to make sure I don't ovulate.

It will take a week or two to grow as many eggs as possible, then I will go in for my egg retrieval (so scared).  They will do ICSI (sperm injection into my eggs in the lab) then grow my embies for 5 days. They will be scanned to make sure they have all their chromosomes and the freeze them.

I will heal then get ready for a FET  where they will thaw and then transfer hopefully 2 healthy embryos  into my uterus. Yep 2! We want twins if possible.

Then we wait and pray. Oh and pay about 25k out of our savings.  Ouch.

Tis the Season to be busy!

I am a bad blogger.  It has been almost a freakin month since I last posted.  It has been freakin busy and so much has happened.  We moved into our new house and have been settling in.  It is so beautiful.  I can't believe I am so blessed to live in this dream home.  We have been iced in for a few days so we have had plenty of time to get things unpacked and decorated. Even put up the Christmas tree! 

Oh and I have been busy growing follicles!  We went forward with an IUI cycle.  Dr. B got his way and I must say I think it was for the best.  Just doing an IUI cycle with everything going on has been super tough.   My baseline sono was the BEST ONE YET!  I had more Antral follicles than I have ever had!! I actually cried on the sono table.  I started Menopur and 7 ...SEVEN follies started to grow right away.  I did injects every night and then they checked again and they were getting a little too big too fast but they cut down my meds and  they slowed down a bit.  At my IUI we had 4 mature follicles!  4!!  Although I joke with J about our quads the chance of all 4 fertilizing is like 0 percent.  Dr. B was crazy happy that I responded so well and I was beyond relieved!  And I actually have some hope.   I made Dr. B tell me the chances of this working and he said 20-25%.  Not huge percentage but we will take it! It is all in God's hands now. 

I am 8dpiui so way to early to test. I am having all kinds of "symptoms". 
-sore boobs
-cramps
-stuffy nose
-bleeding gums ( yep this is actually a symptom I had with my first pregnancy...weird.. but I could have just brushed too hard)
-gas
- insomnia! ( this one is new)
-fatigue ( well I have had insomnia  so that isn't so weird)
-emotional.  (I cried at the end of a stupid movie and for no reason at all at work.)
-dizzyness ( this morning)
- nausea ( last night before bed... vitamins?)

Now all these symptoms mean NOTHING.  I put NO stock into symptoms. I am on progesterone supps and they do mimic pregnancy symptoms.  But the hopeful part in me is like..... maybe?

Now I just have to decided when to test... my blood test id Monday.  I have family in town all weekend so I am not sure yet. Sunday at the earliest I am thinking...def Monday morning before the beta.

I have no freakin clue what I am doing.

I am a planner.... everything all planned out. About everything.  The husband and I always laugh because in our IF journey NOT ONE SINGLE THING HAS GONE ACCORDING TO PLAN.  I always say " Every time we plan God laughs at us".  I mean even when I planned on NOT getting pregnant ...I got pregnant. It is infuriating, frustrating and almost hilarious in some regards.  You would think I would learn... but I don't... I just make another plan.

For months I have planned my RE appointment that is taking place tomorrow.  I have rehearsed in my mind our conversation.  What I will say and probably what Dr. B will say.  It might as well already happened because I have planned how it is going to go in my mind for so long.  That is until today when I started mulling over that the IUI that I am planning in this scenario may not be a good idea.  That what I should be pushing for is IVF.

Since we are 100% out of pocket on fertility expenses  ( That sucks)  I need heavy doses of the meds because I am a "poor responder".  So just one IUI is going to cost us several thousand dollars. For a few thousand dollars more we could be doing IVF with MUCH higher success rates and the possibility of being able to freeze an embryo or two. ( Wishful thinking probably  but it is possible).  I could possible even get twins out of IVF which we would be thrilled with.

So why waste more money....???? 

Ah but will Dr. B let me even do IVF... that is the question.  Tomorrow do I push him to allow me to do it?  Will he want to see how I respond to the meds first?  hmmm can't forsee this in my planning... I don't even know if this is the right thing.  I have no freakin clue what to do about it.  So I am going to have to just dialogue with him...and pray that the next step taken will be the right one. 

Support

So I have posted about the support of our families before.  They are indeed as supportive as they can be without really understanding what I am going through. They try.  Sometimes they fail, sometimes they say really stupid or even hurtful things, but they ARE supportive as can be.   We also have a few close friends who we have confided in.  The circle of those who know grows bit by bit and to be honest I am ok with it.  J is much more private but even he is opening up and sharing with more and more people in his path. 

I also get most of my support and knowledge from an online community.  These women have taught me so much and I can't fathom going through this without them.  I don't " know" these ladies but they get it and they are really perhaps my biggest support to be honest. They are helpful, supportive and they don't judge. 

Tonight I am going to a RESOLVE support group meeting.  RESOLVE is the  National Infertility Association.   I have thought about attending a meeting before but never did.  Tonight is the night and I am freaking nervous.  Don't know what to expect as I have never attended a support meeting.  I am hoping to connect with other women in my same situation and also learn as much as possible. 

Also tomorrow I am meeting an old friend who is going through infertility issues.  I only know this because she started posting stuff on social media and I emailed her and told her I was also going through some fertility issues and asked if she wanted to meet up.  She jumped at the chance and we are meeting for lunch to discuss.   I have no idea where she is in her journey but I am excited to talk with her and hopefully we can support each other.

Made the Call!

Today is my amazing husbands birthday.  The love I have for this man is so monumental that no words could describe it.   I never believed in soul mates until I met him. He makes every day better...even when they totally suck.  He is my rock and on this journey he is my partner in every way.  I am so blessed.

I called and made my RE appointment today. The plan is to have a sit down with Dr. B to discuss what has happened thus far such as previous cycles, the loss, and the additional testing I have had done. Dr. B is then suppose to give me a new protocol for a medicated IUI cycle.  This may be my last shot at IUI. 

I don't know why I am so scared to see Dr. B. He is a bit intimidating, but we actually get a long pretty well.  I guess it is the association I have with him with bad news or disappointment or failure.  I mean the last few times I have been devastated and crying either due to a failed cycle or the miscarriage.  Dh and I are pretty much resigned that we are most likely going to need every resource and ART treatment known to man to get our take home baby.  We have no basis for this medically. It is just what is in our gut. So we are preparing for a long hard battle.

 I am ready physically... but not sure if I am ready emotionally.  Can you ever be prepared emotionally for the battles that come with infertility and miscarriage? In fact, I think I am more scared because of my loss because I now know what that loss feels like and I wonder if I can handle another one. The thought of that almost paralyzes me.  I get a lump in my throat and have to hold back tears when I think about it.  But I don't have a choice but to fight on and trust that God has a plan for us.

On the Move!

We finally found our house! After much prayer and talk we decided we needed to press forward and buy a house.  We have enough cash to still pay for an IVF package and we have a budget in place to keep saving even with the new house.  If we get desperate we will use a credit card or take out a loan... or beg.

The house is beautiful and I am so in love with it.  I went into the house buying process with one thing in mind.  Family.  I wanted the house that was going to house my family.  The house we got is in an amazing school district and a wonderful family focused neighborhood.  The house itself has the perfect floor plan and although spacious very cozy at the same time.  I walked in and instantly knew!

The house has 4 bedrooms.  So plenty of room for house guests and hopefully soon a nursery.  I have two bedrooms there that would make perfect nurseries.  Already painted in fact-One pink and one blue.  Now I would never furnish either room until we got a bun in the oven, but I am praying one day these rooms will both be put to use.

We close in a couple of weeks and then will install some new floors and be in before Thanksgiving! 

The Baby project is about to go in full force again.  I meet with my RE in just a couple of weeks to kick it off.  My weight loss is doing great.  I thank Metformin which is making this process easier.  I am still on the progesterone supps ( we call them the "bitch pills") and they really suck, but on the off chance I conceive naturally again we want as much help as possible to help a LO stick.

Just Google it!

I have always been prepared and planned.  My family knows this yet they always seem so shocked when they find out that I am planning and preparing for my next IUI.  I try and not let their somewhat ignorant questions rattle me, but somedays I just want to scream at them.   I mean people if you don't know what an IUI is google it!  The really don't understand basic fertility terminology or treatments.  I don't mind educating them but sometimes it seems they don't want to learn they just want to make dumb comments.  God bless them.

 My least favorite thing they ask is " Are you sure you need that -that seems extreme?."  My mother said this to me the other day and I just looked at her and asked " So do you think 18 months and still no baby is normal?" Good Heavens if we go forward with IVF I might need flashcards and a powerpoint presentation to clue them all in.  Maybe I need a note from my doctor to justify my procedures...

Dear To Whom it May Concern.... Yes K is infertile and IVF is her best  and probably only choice.  Please refrain from your judgements and dumb questions.  Sincerely Dr. B.


 I love my family and friends and I am glad they know our situation their love and support is invaluable but sometimes I gotta admit...  I wish they didn't know.


We are moving forward with our last IUI then IVF no matter what anyone else thinks about it. I will do another natural cycle then call Dr. B's office for my consultation and new protocol so that we can hopefully do our IUI right after Thanksgiving.  I have a little more weight to lose but I am getting anxious to get the ball moving again.  Sure I am still hoping for another natural BFP, but not too hopeful.

Officially Homeless

Tomorrow is moving day.  And we are officially homeless. I should be scared or anxious but really I am sort of numb. I know this is just a step in towards our future. We will find a new home when it is time.  Moving in with my parents for a while will allow us to save a ton of money and put towards IVF or other procedures. It is just all part of this crazy journey.  I am so blessed to have an amazing husband to share this with.

In other news I get all my genetics/immune testing back on Friday.  I am very nervous for some reason.  I mean the results are what they are.  I am hoping/praying it gives us some answers to why I am having trouble getting and staying pregnant. If is something we can do something about than awesome.  If it is something that we can't do anything about then at least we know and can move forward with other options.  I guess I am scared we will get no answers and stay stuck in this fertility limbo land.

Gypsies with a "Plan"

So next week we are officially gypsies!  We move out and in with my parents until we can figure some things out.  So many things to figure out!  We are trying to plan but not over plan because there are just too many variables and well we know God laughs when we plan. So the non plan plan is as follows:

1. Move out and in with the parents for unspecific amount of time
2. Wait on my genetics testing to see what if anything shows up. I get my results next week.
3.  Keep charting/temping, taking supplements. My cycle is finally getting back to normal.
4. Lose at least 15 more pounds before I see my RE in November.
5. Save as much money as possible so we can go straight to IVF if needed.


We of course are still praying that I get pregnant naturally again.  We have some hope but are also realistic that it might not happen.  We have been on this journey for almost 18months and we just want our take home baby.  We are praying that God leads us and that we remain hopeful and patient with His perfect plan.

"Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. "

Psalm 27:13-14

Moving and Moving forward is hard

Moving forward after losing the baby has been super hard.  While excited to try again I am also so fearful of not being able to get pregnant again or losing another baby.  My cycles are wonky and my hormones are out of control.  Poor husband is dealing with it in his own way.  It's weird I can talk about my loss with my friends and I am ok, but when I talk to my husband or mother about it all I can do is cry.  So I sometimes just don't bring it up even if my mind is consumed with it.

Speaking of moving... we sold our house with plans to buy a bigger house.  We made some good money on our sale and were super excited to look for our new place.  I just didn't expect it to be so hard.  The market is not good for buying... high prices and limited inventory.  We found an amazing house WAY over our original budget.  We can afford it but I don't have a peace about it at all. Using so much money for a house when we don't have kids to fill it is making me panic a bit.  I am struggling with what we should do.  We can stay with my parents as long as we need.  My poor husband loves the house we found... I feel guilty that my feelings about it might come in the way of his dream. I am praying for some direction on what to do and praying that DH and I will BOTH have a peace about our decision to buy or wait.


Not feeling very hopeful today, but I know God has a plan for us.

Charting and Temping

I am back to charting and temping my cycles.  I don't mind it but it can drive me batty.  This was my first cycle since the loss and so I knew it would be wonky.  My usual Ovulation is CD12.  I was an idiot and thought it might just be the same this month.  WRONG.  CD20!!  That is so crazy.  Just glad my body did something even if it was late to the party!  So glad I did chart/temp because I would have been frustrated with a late period and a BFN. Now I wait. 

August

I hate the Month of August. It is the worst month of the year in my opinion ( although July this year took the cake!). It is freakin miserable.  Nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. No Holiday.  Just back sweat and boredom.  This month however hasn't been too terrible.  Still healing of course.  Got to go on vacation and the weather has actually been pretty great. ( Atleast for this week).

Was hoping that my cycle would go back to normal and I would freakin ovulate but that doesn't seem to be happening.  I started temping/charting and it is a mess.  Now I have a new thermometer and I changed time zones and climates during the most vital part so it is possible I ovulated but not by the looks of it. So frustrating.  I have my yearly OBGYN appointment tomorrow.  Hopefully she will have some input/advice for me.

Just when I think

Just when I think I am moving on from the miscarriage something happens to pull me back into the grief and pain.

This week I have seen two pregnancy announcements on facebook.  Those are hard in general but this week it stabbed me in the heart because I realized these ladies have the same due date time frame as I would have.

I haven't cried this much in weeks.

Hide and pretend you are not changed

I have written before about how this journey has changed me and of course the miscarriage profoundly changed me.  I have been broken like I never thought possible.  I have also been mended by a loving God.  I however bare scars like many other women who have gone and are going through this process.  I was sitting in a room filled with women the other day and I wondered who had the same scars. In real life you don't talk about infertility you don't talk about miscarriage but statistically I know that room had more that a few women who have been through or going through what I have.

We keep silent in our grief.  We are scared, we are fearful, we can't face the stupid questions, comments or unsolicited advice. Some people mean well, others ignorant, and others just plain mean. We have been through enough. Like someone who has been through a war and comes back and doesn't speak of it.  They know that no one can understand because they haven't been there themselves. It is easier to not talk about it.

I share with my friends and family, but they don't really know. There is a disconnect. So all you can do is pray and pour it out to God, get comfort when you can and wrestle with it in your heart and mind. Alone. You get good at hiding your scars and pretending you are fine.  You do this countless times a day. Everytime you see  a pregnancy announcement on facebook, see a pregnant woman at the store, see pictures of your friends kids, or get that baby shower invite in the mail.  There is an endless persistent need to hide and to pretend. And you do, until something or someone sets you over the edge and then you either lash out or more commonly find a quiet place to cry.  I prefer the quiet place to cry. An you cry and sob for a time, then you brush the tears away and know it won't be the last time.

I know that this doesn't exactly show the "joy" in my journey right now, but it is my truth. For this season anyways. 

Healing

I am on the road to healing. Physically it has been a bit harder than I thought.  Still waiting to see what my body is actually doing.  The baby is gone but my body doesn't always act like it. Other days I feel completely disconnected from my own body.

Emotionally it has been WAY harder than I thought. I cry every day. I see a pregnant woman and I ask think " why did her baby live and mine die?".  It isn't a thought I am proud of but it is honest. I am avoiding other people in fear they will ask some stupid question. Although it get's a bit easier everyday I feel far from "normal". I think my favorite writer C.S Lewis sums it up best for me...

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I know the best thing I can do is press forward.  I can still grieve and move.  So I decided to see an acupuncturist.  DH and I had decided to do this before my next medicated cycle but the time seems right to go ahead.  Maybe it will help my body and my mind heal and prepare for whatever is next.  It certainly can't hurt at this point.  We also started back on our eating plan.  I only gained a pound or two, which is actually remarkable.  I just want to keep pressing on maybe if my body will do it my heart will catch up.  

Glory Baby

 

Glory Baby by Watermark Glory Baby, You slipped away As fast as we could say baby, baby You were growing, what happened Dear, You disappeared on us baby, baby Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe Until we're home with you Until we're home with you   We miss you everyday, miss you in every way But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay *We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you* You'll just have heaven before we do You'll just have heaven before we do Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it Cause we are hurting, we are hurting But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people Through the growing, and in knowing All things work together for our good And God works his purposes Just like he said he would, just like he said he would   I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies And what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing Heaven is your home And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

6 Weeks 3 Days

My pregnancy officially ended at 6 weeks and 3 days.  Last night I cried for my Angel baby.  I am forever changed by this. I will never forget.  I want to move on so badly, but I know I have to grieve as well. I never imagined that this would be part of the journey. I don't understand why. I never will. I trust God, but I also have a lot of questions to ask Him. Anger. Sadness. Fear. It is at times suffocating. My family and friends are of course empathetic and supportive, but they don't understand. I feel so alone in this.

How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint you footsteps have left upon our hearts.
- Dorothy Ferguson

My first pregnancy

The joy of a first pregnancy I will never know.  For mine has been nothing but sorrowful.  From the beginning this pregnancy has been full of fear.  When I first saw those beautiful two pink lines on a test I cried.  I cried for joy but I cried out of fear for I knew that something was wrong already.  I was told at first it was a chemical pregnancy. It wasn't.  As the weeks moved on and I was still pregnant I was given false hope at times, but I strived not to get attached because as the saying goes 'a mother just knows".  I was told this past week that my baby was most likely ectopic.  More fear. Last night I was told that my baby (not ectopic after all) would not survive. I now wait for the miscarriage.  I am almost 6 weeks pregnant.  The most pregnant I have ever been.  I tried not to get attached but the truth is I am.  I have a miracle inside me.  A miracle that I didn't know if I ever would get to see happen. This is a miracle, but I will never get to hold this miracle.  I didn't think I would grieve this much. I didn't think I would hurt this much or fear this much. So now I wait. Wait for my angel baby to leave my body. My first baby. I will never forget.


         A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending. – R.J. Gonzales

So this happened.

So this happened. Total Suprise. 

  June 10th -had some random dark spotting,  threw up after dinner and had cramping.
  June 11th- nausea
  June 12th- Period due but doesn't come, nausea, more dark weird spotting
  June 13th-   Take a wondfo test, faint second line, take FRER test light line but definatly there. Go in for Blood work.  Comes back positive but very low progesterone levels.  Heavy red spotting. Told it is most likely a chemical pregnancy. Told I should get period over the weekend.
June14-June17th- No bleeding at all. Backache, headache.
June18th- Take digital test and it is positive. Call Dr and go for more bloodwork. Beta# 2 increased greatly but progesterone still  low.  Put on progersterone supps.
June 19-20- morning sickness, go in for 3rd beta...number went up but not quite doubling.
June 21-23- morning sickness, light cramping
June 24th- Go in for fourth betas.... waiting.

I am in what they call Beta Hell.  Waiting to see if this pregnancy is viable.  We are overjoyed that I got pregnant naturally, but of course very sad this may end early.  I just want some clear answers so that I can move forward and heal if this truly isn't our take home baby.   Each day that goes by I am more attached. God is the giver and taker of life and I  must trust Him.  But it is so hard.

It's Hashimotos Yo!

Hashimoto's thyroiditis or chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis is an autoimmune disease in which the thyroid gland is attacked by a variety of cell- and antibody-mediated immune processes. Hashimoto's thyroiditis is an autoimmune disease, a disorder in which the immune system turns against the body's own tissues. It was the first disease to be recognized as an autoimmune disease


So this is what I have. No cure.  Just deal with it. That is pretty much the answer. My Hashi's manifests in many irritating ways.

-hypothyroidism
-weight gain ( trouble losing weight)
-cold intolerance
-chronic fatigue
-high cholesterol for my age
-muscle weakness
- muscle cramping
-joint stiffness
-skin issues (dermatitis, rashes, hives)
-food allergies
- slow heart rate
-paleness
-puffy eyes, dark circles
-sore throats
-infertility

Yep the last one is the real kicker. The other's are annoying, the last one is heart-breaking. Not to mention if I do become pregnant my chance for miscarriage are higher.  Many Hashi's women have very successful pregnancies, I just am praying I am one of them. Sigh. I am working with my doctors to get Hashi's under control and my thyroid gland some help.  So far it is moving in the right direction.  But honestly some days I am just ticked off I have to deal with it.  I will take meds everyday for the rest of my life. I have to be monitored every 6-8 weeks at this point.  And if I have a daughter she too will most likely have the same disease as it passes down maternally to female off-spring. ( As mine did). 

Just feeling down about it today :(

Getting it all together.. or atleast somewhat

I am on my way to getting it all together...well as much as possible in the last 6 weeks.  Taking a break on fertility treatments was scary, but I think this was the right choice.

1.  Down 17lbs! ( in 6 weeks!)
- The eating plan is going great, cravings aren't too bad, and I am enjoying feeling healthier.
DH is also down 17lbs which is an awesome bonus! 23lbs to hit my RE's goal and 33lbs to hit my goal!

2. Supplements- Oh vey- hard time getting them and trying to find a new soy free prenatal was DIFFICULT!

3. Dh and I have had some awesome talks discussing our feelings and plans for treatment.  Going through our options makes me feel more at peace.  I have accepted all my options now so I feel hopeful one of them will work.

4.  Taking this break has allowed me to de-stress.  I feel calmer and less upset. I even have been pinning on my secret baby pinterest board.  My attitude is WAY better! Not that I don't have my moments. One ill timed baby facebook announcement can send me spiraling but DH is my rock!

5. Still looking into acupuncture! ( kind of scared for some reason)

Cool pic of a human egg.... hoping mine are hanging in there!!

May Update

So I haven't updated in awhile... Here is the cliff notes version of what is going on...

1. Went to Disney with the love of my life to celebrate our anniversary and take a break- it was so much fun and the mental rest was very  much needed! I can't wait to take our kids there one day!

2. Saw NP and started vigorous dieting... lost 13lbs so far (yeah!) It hasn't been that bad.  Now I need to get the supplements rockin!

3. Got through Mother's Day without a breakdown...

4.  DH took me downtown for my birthday to spend the night and we went to several museums and had dinner etc... it was lovely!


That pretty much sums it up!  DH and I are feeling good about our plan and our mood is more optimistic than I thought.  We are technically on a break from TTC, but we feel more hopeful then ever.  We know that the road ahead will not be easy, but we know that we will get our family! We are trusting in God's timing and perfect plan for us.

I turned 36 today... That is a bit depressing, but I just have to remember what my RE told me... I don't have to stress about my age right now. I am trying to remember that!

He feels the pain too

I forget in my struggles that my DH ( Darling Husband) has feelings about our journey too. He has been so supportive and loving, and I often forget that he painfully wants a child too.  He doesn't deal with it on the same level as I do or on a daily basis like I do, but he does deal with it.  He recently told me how much he does deal with it.  This breaks my heart. I need to be more sensitive to this. This isn't just about me.

Acupuncture

Acupuncture.... My RE mentioned it and I quickly dismissed it.  But the more I have been reading about it that more I considering it.  The statistic are pretty good especially in conjunction with fertility treatments.  I don't "believe" in it, but it can't hurt.  The husband is all for it. I am going to dig around some more.... but I am leaning towards doing it. I am not scared of needles so there isn't a reason NOT to do it.

Release

When I got my diagnosis I didn't think it would be possible to have peace again.  But I do.  I know this is only from the grace of God. I have a Peace that it is all going to work out.  I have a Peace that I will have a child.

I am not saying it will be easy- no in fact I think this year is going to be a battle like none I have ever faced.  Harder than even my Dad's cancer most likely.  I think it will take everything I have and then some.  But I plan on battling on my knees in prayer than anything.  I will do the work, losing weight, meds, maybe even acupuncture.  I will do it all, but I want to do it with this sense of calm and Peace.  I don't think that anger, fear, stress and fret will help in any way.  Peace. Surrender. RELEASE.

Release was the word I choose in January as the word I will exemplify and work on in my life.  I knew fertility issues would be part of that word but I had NO IDEA how much it would.



“When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That’s why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless.” –Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Blessings

"Blessings" by Laura Story 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise 

Diagnosis

Thursday morning I got really bad news. Basically I have been diagnosed with DOR.  Diminished ovarian reserve- at 35.  I was diagnosed with this not because of hormone levels (which are all normal) but by my AFC or Antral Follicle Count being low for my age.  My body is not responding well enough to the fertility drugs at this moment to keep doing them.  At this point IVF isn't even on the table with my own eggs.  For now. 

The Plan:
- Optimize my body/health
I am going to see a NP who will help me shed weight quickly and give me meds, and supplements to prepare my body for injections and pregnancy.  I will also continue to work on lowering my thyroid levels even lower. The hope being we can get my body to react.  The supplements to help with egg quality and the weight reduction to help my body absorb and hopefully work with a new medicine my RE wants to try.  I will also have to cut caffeine etc... We will do this for 4-6 months and try another cycle.  It isn't guaranteed to work, but it is the best shot.

We have agreed to this plan, because it really is our only option at this point that gives us genetic children. It will also prepare my body for pregnancy in case we do IVF with my eggs, donor eggs or embryo adoption.  Whatever method God chooses I have to prepare my body.

Preparing my body will be the easy part.  Preparing my heart and head is a whole other thing.  But God has been gracious.  Thursday, I cried for hours while my loving husband held me.  It was as my heart had been ripped out of my body and every dream I ever had destroyed.  I honestly don't know how I survived the pain.  Well I do... God has given me an amazing husband. God has encouraged me and filled me with Peace.  It wasn't sudden but He has helped me breathe again.  He has helped me see that there is HOPE.  The door is not closed. I have options.  I will be a mother.

I have my moments of intense fear and doubt. I also have moments of pure peace and actual joy.  It is so weird to say this is the best time of my life and the worst time of my life at the same time.

I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone-  I don't know why I have been chosen to walk through this storm, but I know I will get a happy ending.

This pretty much sums it up today...

"The Hurt & The Healer" by MercyMe

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here

I am scared.

So cycle ended in a BFN- not suprised, but I always hold out hope.

Called to set up appointment for IUI 3.2 and they told me that my RE wants me to come in.  UM...... WHAT in the world?  I am scared.  Scared he is going to give me bad news, scared he is going to tell me IVF is my only hope. IVF seems a bit extreme, but maybe it isn't.  I am just not mentally or emotionally prepared.  Def not physically prepared. 

I thought we had at least another cycle or two before this meeting.  When I saw him at our initial consult he didn't seem worried at all about my chances, but maybe he has seen bloodwork or sonograms that makes him believe otherwise.

I am scared.

Side Effects

So I feel really crappy... physically.  When I first started taking fertility drugs I had heard how they take a toll on your body.  At first It didn't bother me much... but now... I feel it. Bad.  Tired, bloated, cramping, headaches, moody, emotional...   I feel sick.  I just want to crawl and bed and sleep for a few days. I know it will only get worse because I started progesterone supplements last night and they make me feel horrible and bring out the CRAZY! Last night  I felt so bad I had to ask myself if it was worth it.  I can see why some women can't take it.  But for me, for now- I am willing to put my body through it all as many times as it takes to have a baby.  So I just have to suck it up and deal.

The goal is to not kill anyone for two weeks. Seriously, my friends and family should give me an award for not killing someone by now.  It's a major achievement!

Smile through the Tears

I was looking at a picture from last year on our Honeymoon.  WOW what a fantastic amazing honeymoon.  In our picture we are glowing- so in love- so happy- so carefree.  We are still as in love- even more so.  But I look at the picture and I think " This is before you knew you how hard the struggle for a baby would be".  I was ignorant of the facts.  I envy that time- blissfully ignorant.  Now if you took my picture I wonder what you would see in my eyes?  Hurt, frustration, fear, sadness?  I feel those things, but I wonder if others see it.  I hope not.  I want to walk this journey with grace and dignity, I want to smile and illuminate Joy even when I don't always feel it.  I do believe.  I do have faith.  I want to be a testimony of faith and hope and trust. Even through the tears... I want to smile.

Sammy and Ella

I forgot to post these cuties last week...

Ella the Egg and Sammy the Sperm  are suppose to be my fun little good luck charms.  So far they aren't very lucky to be honest. 

IUI#3 CANCELLED

So I went in on Saturday (cd8) to check on my three follies. Since the RE had bumped my meds up quite a bit, I was hopeful that all three were going to be maturing so we would have a greater chance with our IUI.    We had named our three follies  Alvin, Simon and Theador.  I was so hopeful.  Sandy the sonographer (who is super nice and encouraging) checked me and then devastation. One of those little suckers (Alvin I presume) sucked up all the meds!  On CD 8 he was measured at 22! Simon was only a 12 and Theador was nowhere to be found. What in the heck!  They checked my hormones and the nurse then told me that we needed to cancel the IUI.  Alvin wasn't going to wait and being that there was only him remaining we should save out money. ( This cycle has already cost us 1200.00)

Just goes to show that more medicine isn't always better... I was pretty upset and cried a lot when I got home.  That is how this road goes I suppose.  Just when you think something is going well... BAM! Devastation. My amazing husband was so kind and loving.  I just feel like a failure.  Like it is all my fault somehow.

We still have a shot this month with Alvin, but I am not too hopeful.  I know God can do anything, but I have this feeling this bumpy road will end no time soon.  But I will take this road with as much grace as possible.  God's got this.

Love is in the Air

It's Valentines Week.... as a singleton I never despised the day, although I would get little pangs of sadness at some of those stupid jewelry commercials.  I love LOVE.  Now that I have a forever Valentine, I really love celebrating.  I am so in love with my husband.  He is everything I ever prayed for and more.  It took a long time, but he was worth the wait!  I know we are still technically newlyweds, but our passion and love keeps growing every day.  We can't get enough of eachother in every way.  He is an amazing gift from God.  To be honest some days I feel guilty asking God for anything more.  He has given me so much already. I am so blessed.

But we want to share our love and have children to love.... so the journey continues...

Today is CD3 and time to start IUI # 3 cycle... Went in for an ultrasound and everything looks good to go.  I start the injections tonight.  Same Gonal F protocol as last time.  Praying for 3 fully mature follies this month.  Praying!

IUI #2 BFN

So IUI#2 is a bust.  Well I can't say completely a bust because the medicine is working and my body is responding perfectly.  It just didn't happen this month.  I was a bit sad, but held together pretty well.  I am just really clinging to God.  I read something the other day that has been my mantra all this week.

"If we truly have Faith in God then we must also have faith in His timing."

Simple. Profound.  God's got this!

IUI#2

IUI cycle #2

My RE decided that we needed to be more aggressive and do all injectibles this cycle to hopefully get more than one egg this time to give me a better shot.  Last cycle was good ( one perfect follie), but we wanted better. So I started giving myself Gonal F shots every night for almost two weeks.  I was heavily monitored by my doctor and responded beautifully.  Three follies.  The husband named them "Huey, Dewey and Louie".  During these two weeks I became protective of these little guys. Trying to eat healthy foods for them, visualized them, even talked to them. Yep I talked to my eggs. Every time I went in to get them checked I would pray they would still be there...growing.  I don't know how mentally or emotionally  healthy this is.

The day came for the IUI and Huey and Dewey were perfect... Louie was still there but a bit small.  The IUI just like the last was quick. 

Now I wait.

I have a blood test scheduled for Thursday.  The husband and I are going to take at a home test on Wednesday morning. I am scared. Scared of another failure. We know it can take several attempts for this to work. But I am scared it never will.

God's Time.  God's Way.

praying Huey or Dewey will turn into an answered prayer....

IUI #1 BFN

BFN- Big Fat Negative

(BFN is a common acronym used in trying to get pregnant chat rooms etc... )

IUI #1 was a bust... statistically I knew it should be, but you always hold out hope.  We were really praying for a Christmas miracle.  I tried not going there in my head... trying not to imagine telling our families on as the best Christmas present ever.  I didn't focus on it, but it was there in the back of my mind.  So the day came to take the blood test.  I didn't take a test at home, I was too nervous.  I was out Christmas shopping at Nordstrom when the nurse called.... "Sorry Miss_ you are not pregnant".  Yeah that will take away your Christmas Spirit.  I cried a little softly then texted my husband.  I didn't want him coming home thinking he was going to get great news and be disapointed.  He was so sweet and comforting. Physically, mentally and emotionally I was wiped out. 

We had already decided that due to the Christmas/ New Years break that we would take a break and start again in January.  It was a good decision.  Christmas was good.  It wasn't particularly happy, but I was with those that I loved and that loved me and that is always good.