I have no freakin clue what I am doing.

I am a planner.... everything all planned out. About everything.  The husband and I always laugh because in our IF journey NOT ONE SINGLE THING HAS GONE ACCORDING TO PLAN.  I always say " Every time we plan God laughs at us".  I mean even when I planned on NOT getting pregnant ...I got pregnant. It is infuriating, frustrating and almost hilarious in some regards.  You would think I would learn... but I don't... I just make another plan.

For months I have planned my RE appointment that is taking place tomorrow.  I have rehearsed in my mind our conversation.  What I will say and probably what Dr. B will say.  It might as well already happened because I have planned how it is going to go in my mind for so long.  That is until today when I started mulling over that the IUI that I am planning in this scenario may not be a good idea.  That what I should be pushing for is IVF.

Since we are 100% out of pocket on fertility expenses  ( That sucks)  I need heavy doses of the meds because I am a "poor responder".  So just one IUI is going to cost us several thousand dollars. For a few thousand dollars more we could be doing IVF with MUCH higher success rates and the possibility of being able to freeze an embryo or two. ( Wishful thinking probably  but it is possible).  I could possible even get twins out of IVF which we would be thrilled with.

So why waste more money....???? 

Ah but will Dr. B let me even do IVF... that is the question.  Tomorrow do I push him to allow me to do it?  Will he want to see how I respond to the meds first?  hmmm can't forsee this in my planning... I don't even know if this is the right thing.  I have no freakin clue what to do about it.  So I am going to have to just dialogue with him...and pray that the next step taken will be the right one. 

Support

So I have posted about the support of our families before.  They are indeed as supportive as they can be without really understanding what I am going through. They try.  Sometimes they fail, sometimes they say really stupid or even hurtful things, but they ARE supportive as can be.   We also have a few close friends who we have confided in.  The circle of those who know grows bit by bit and to be honest I am ok with it.  J is much more private but even he is opening up and sharing with more and more people in his path. 

I also get most of my support and knowledge from an online community.  These women have taught me so much and I can't fathom going through this without them.  I don't " know" these ladies but they get it and they are really perhaps my biggest support to be honest. They are helpful, supportive and they don't judge. 

Tonight I am going to a RESOLVE support group meeting.  RESOLVE is the  National Infertility Association.   I have thought about attending a meeting before but never did.  Tonight is the night and I am freaking nervous.  Don't know what to expect as I have never attended a support meeting.  I am hoping to connect with other women in my same situation and also learn as much as possible. 

Also tomorrow I am meeting an old friend who is going through infertility issues.  I only know this because she started posting stuff on social media and I emailed her and told her I was also going through some fertility issues and asked if she wanted to meet up.  She jumped at the chance and we are meeting for lunch to discuss.   I have no idea where she is in her journey but I am excited to talk with her and hopefully we can support each other.