My first pregnancy

The joy of a first pregnancy I will never know.  For mine has been nothing but sorrowful.  From the beginning this pregnancy has been full of fear.  When I first saw those beautiful two pink lines on a test I cried.  I cried for joy but I cried out of fear for I knew that something was wrong already.  I was told at first it was a chemical pregnancy. It wasn't.  As the weeks moved on and I was still pregnant I was given false hope at times, but I strived not to get attached because as the saying goes 'a mother just knows".  I was told this past week that my baby was most likely ectopic.  More fear. Last night I was told that my baby (not ectopic after all) would not survive. I now wait for the miscarriage.  I am almost 6 weeks pregnant.  The most pregnant I have ever been.  I tried not to get attached but the truth is I am.  I have a miracle inside me.  A miracle that I didn't know if I ever would get to see happen. This is a miracle, but I will never get to hold this miracle.  I didn't think I would grieve this much. I didn't think I would hurt this much or fear this much. So now I wait. Wait for my angel baby to leave my body. My first baby. I will never forget.


         A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending. – R.J. Gonzales

So this happened.

So this happened. Total Suprise. 

  June 10th -had some random dark spotting,  threw up after dinner and had cramping.
  June 11th- nausea
  June 12th- Period due but doesn't come, nausea, more dark weird spotting
  June 13th-   Take a wondfo test, faint second line, take FRER test light line but definatly there. Go in for Blood work.  Comes back positive but very low progesterone levels.  Heavy red spotting. Told it is most likely a chemical pregnancy. Told I should get period over the weekend.
June14-June17th- No bleeding at all. Backache, headache.
June18th- Take digital test and it is positive. Call Dr and go for more bloodwork. Beta# 2 increased greatly but progesterone still  low.  Put on progersterone supps.
June 19-20- morning sickness, go in for 3rd beta...number went up but not quite doubling.
June 21-23- morning sickness, light cramping
June 24th- Go in for fourth betas.... waiting.

I am in what they call Beta Hell.  Waiting to see if this pregnancy is viable.  We are overjoyed that I got pregnant naturally, but of course very sad this may end early.  I just want some clear answers so that I can move forward and heal if this truly isn't our take home baby.   Each day that goes by I am more attached. God is the giver and taker of life and I  must trust Him.  But it is so hard.

It's Hashimotos Yo!

Hashimoto's thyroiditis or chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis is an autoimmune disease in which the thyroid gland is attacked by a variety of cell- and antibody-mediated immune processes. Hashimoto's thyroiditis is an autoimmune disease, a disorder in which the immune system turns against the body's own tissues. It was the first disease to be recognized as an autoimmune disease


So this is what I have. No cure.  Just deal with it. That is pretty much the answer. My Hashi's manifests in many irritating ways.

-hypothyroidism
-weight gain ( trouble losing weight)
-cold intolerance
-chronic fatigue
-high cholesterol for my age
-muscle weakness
- muscle cramping
-joint stiffness
-skin issues (dermatitis, rashes, hives)
-food allergies
- slow heart rate
-paleness
-puffy eyes, dark circles
-sore throats
-infertility

Yep the last one is the real kicker. The other's are annoying, the last one is heart-breaking. Not to mention if I do become pregnant my chance for miscarriage are higher.  Many Hashi's women have very successful pregnancies, I just am praying I am one of them. Sigh. I am working with my doctors to get Hashi's under control and my thyroid gland some help.  So far it is moving in the right direction.  But honestly some days I am just ticked off I have to deal with it.  I will take meds everyday for the rest of my life. I have to be monitored every 6-8 weeks at this point.  And if I have a daughter she too will most likely have the same disease as it passes down maternally to female off-spring. ( As mine did). 

Just feeling down about it today :(