I was looking at a picture from last year on our Honeymoon. WOW what a fantastic amazing honeymoon. In our picture we are glowing- so in love- so happy- so carefree. We are still as in love- even more so. But I look at the picture and I think " This is before you knew you how hard the struggle for a baby would be". I was ignorant of the facts. I envy that time- blissfully ignorant. Now if you took my picture I wonder what you would see in my eyes? Hurt, frustration, fear, sadness? I feel those things, but I wonder if others see it. I hope not. I want to walk this journey with grace and dignity, I want to smile and illuminate Joy even when I don't always feel it. I do believe. I do have faith. I want to be a testimony of faith and hope and trust. Even through the tears... I want to smile.
I stumbled on the link to this blog when looking up info on low FSH levels (you had commented). Initially I wanted to find out how to get that picture from your signature ("On my honor..."). I'd give anything to post that on my FB but I won't because I try to be a good Jesus girl and I have a few pregnant friends who would KNOW I was talking about them. In reading your blog posts, tears welled up in my eyes. It was like reading something straight from my own mind about the very hurts of my own heart. I am also TTC and like you want to be a witness to those around me of His faithfulness and to get through this struggle with like you said 'grace and dignity'. My DH and I also took an awesome honeymoon (Jan 2012) and I too was blissfully unaware of the long and emotional and difficult journey ahead and the repetitive heartbreak I would experience with every BFN. It is nice to know someone else understands and is struggling with the same things and it is not just my lack of faith (or whatever lie the enemy is trying to feed me that week). I have to keep reminding myself (even though I already know it from all the past blesssings) that He IS always faithful and He is never late with His promises. I pray we both receive our little miracles in His perfect will.
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Thank you for your encouragement April! Praying for you!!
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