Side Effects

So I feel really crappy... physically.  When I first started taking fertility drugs I had heard how they take a toll on your body.  At first It didn't bother me much... but now... I feel it. Bad.  Tired, bloated, cramping, headaches, moody, emotional...   I feel sick.  I just want to crawl and bed and sleep for a few days. I know it will only get worse because I started progesterone supplements last night and they make me feel horrible and bring out the CRAZY! Last night  I felt so bad I had to ask myself if it was worth it.  I can see why some women can't take it.  But for me, for now- I am willing to put my body through it all as many times as it takes to have a baby.  So I just have to suck it up and deal.

The goal is to not kill anyone for two weeks. Seriously, my friends and family should give me an award for not killing someone by now.  It's a major achievement!

Smile through the Tears

I was looking at a picture from last year on our Honeymoon.  WOW what a fantastic amazing honeymoon.  In our picture we are glowing- so in love- so happy- so carefree.  We are still as in love- even more so.  But I look at the picture and I think " This is before you knew you how hard the struggle for a baby would be".  I was ignorant of the facts.  I envy that time- blissfully ignorant.  Now if you took my picture I wonder what you would see in my eyes?  Hurt, frustration, fear, sadness?  I feel those things, but I wonder if others see it.  I hope not.  I want to walk this journey with grace and dignity, I want to smile and illuminate Joy even when I don't always feel it.  I do believe.  I do have faith.  I want to be a testimony of faith and hope and trust. Even through the tears... I want to smile.

Sammy and Ella

I forgot to post these cuties last week...

Ella the Egg and Sammy the Sperm  are suppose to be my fun little good luck charms.  So far they aren't very lucky to be honest. 

IUI#3 CANCELLED

So I went in on Saturday (cd8) to check on my three follies. Since the RE had bumped my meds up quite a bit, I was hopeful that all three were going to be maturing so we would have a greater chance with our IUI.    We had named our three follies  Alvin, Simon and Theador.  I was so hopeful.  Sandy the sonographer (who is super nice and encouraging) checked me and then devastation. One of those little suckers (Alvin I presume) sucked up all the meds!  On CD 8 he was measured at 22! Simon was only a 12 and Theador was nowhere to be found. What in the heck!  They checked my hormones and the nurse then told me that we needed to cancel the IUI.  Alvin wasn't going to wait and being that there was only him remaining we should save out money. ( This cycle has already cost us 1200.00)

Just goes to show that more medicine isn't always better... I was pretty upset and cried a lot when I got home.  That is how this road goes I suppose.  Just when you think something is going well... BAM! Devastation. My amazing husband was so kind and loving.  I just feel like a failure.  Like it is all my fault somehow.

We still have a shot this month with Alvin, but I am not too hopeful.  I know God can do anything, but I have this feeling this bumpy road will end no time soon.  But I will take this road with as much grace as possible.  God's got this.

Love is in the Air

It's Valentines Week.... as a singleton I never despised the day, although I would get little pangs of sadness at some of those stupid jewelry commercials.  I love LOVE.  Now that I have a forever Valentine, I really love celebrating.  I am so in love with my husband.  He is everything I ever prayed for and more.  It took a long time, but he was worth the wait!  I know we are still technically newlyweds, but our passion and love keeps growing every day.  We can't get enough of eachother in every way.  He is an amazing gift from God.  To be honest some days I feel guilty asking God for anything more.  He has given me so much already. I am so blessed.

But we want to share our love and have children to love.... so the journey continues...

Today is CD3 and time to start IUI # 3 cycle... Went in for an ultrasound and everything looks good to go.  I start the injections tonight.  Same Gonal F protocol as last time.  Praying for 3 fully mature follies this month.  Praying!

IUI #2 BFN

So IUI#2 is a bust.  Well I can't say completely a bust because the medicine is working and my body is responding perfectly.  It just didn't happen this month.  I was a bit sad, but held together pretty well.  I am just really clinging to God.  I read something the other day that has been my mantra all this week.

"If we truly have Faith in God then we must also have faith in His timing."

Simple. Profound.  God's got this!

IUI#2

IUI cycle #2

My RE decided that we needed to be more aggressive and do all injectibles this cycle to hopefully get more than one egg this time to give me a better shot.  Last cycle was good ( one perfect follie), but we wanted better. So I started giving myself Gonal F shots every night for almost two weeks.  I was heavily monitored by my doctor and responded beautifully.  Three follies.  The husband named them "Huey, Dewey and Louie".  During these two weeks I became protective of these little guys. Trying to eat healthy foods for them, visualized them, even talked to them. Yep I talked to my eggs. Every time I went in to get them checked I would pray they would still be there...growing.  I don't know how mentally or emotionally  healthy this is.

The day came for the IUI and Huey and Dewey were perfect... Louie was still there but a bit small.  The IUI just like the last was quick. 

Now I wait.

I have a blood test scheduled for Thursday.  The husband and I are going to take at a home test on Wednesday morning. I am scared. Scared of another failure. We know it can take several attempts for this to work. But I am scared it never will.

God's Time.  God's Way.

praying Huey or Dewey will turn into an answered prayer....

IUI #1 BFN

BFN- Big Fat Negative

(BFN is a common acronym used in trying to get pregnant chat rooms etc... )

IUI #1 was a bust... statistically I knew it should be, but you always hold out hope.  We were really praying for a Christmas miracle.  I tried not going there in my head... trying not to imagine telling our families on as the best Christmas present ever.  I didn't focus on it, but it was there in the back of my mind.  So the day came to take the blood test.  I didn't take a test at home, I was too nervous.  I was out Christmas shopping at Nordstrom when the nurse called.... "Sorry Miss_ you are not pregnant".  Yeah that will take away your Christmas Spirit.  I cried a little softly then texted my husband.  I didn't want him coming home thinking he was going to get great news and be disapointed.  He was so sweet and comforting. Physically, mentally and emotionally I was wiped out. 

We had already decided that due to the Christmas/ New Years break that we would take a break and start again in January.  It was a good decision.  Christmas was good.  It wasn't particularly happy, but I was with those that I loved and that loved me and that is always good.