Beta Day

Today I went in for my first Beta ( pregnancy blood test).  Now I sit and wait by the phone to get the call that will tell me if this IUI cycle was successful. I could have tested with a urine test today and gotten a pretty good indicator, but I couldn't.  I am tired on peeing on strips of paper that never get that beautiful second line.  Having a nurse call me and tell me it was a bust isn't  good either.  This cycle only has a 20-25% chance of working. I have had a ton of symptoms the past few days that I am trying not to think about.  I am on progesterone pills so I am blaming them for every cramp, sore boobs, lack of period, nausea etc... Getting pregnant on my first IUI cycle and the week before Christmas just seems to good to be true.

My amazing husband has been so supportive.  He keeps me grounded and loves me so much.  I am so very blessed.  I know he is just as anxious to find out as I am.  I wish I could give him the best Christmas ever, but it is out of my control. God has a plan, his timing is perfect. 

Fear

I am trying to be positive. But negative thoughts keep winning out.  My hope meter is at about 3%.  I have this fear... fear this cycle didn't work.  Fear I will never get pregnant. It is way too early to take a pregnancy test.  Suppose to go in Monday for a blood test.  I am torn whether to test early or not.

I must keep reminding myself.... God is in control.

IUI#1

I am being inseminated tomorrow morning.... never thought I would be typing that.  Never thought I would be giving myself injections in my bathroom either.  But that is what I am doing and here is where I am.  This journey is something I never fathomed, but for some reason God has led me down this path.  There are times I am hopeful and fine, there are other times where honestly I don't know if I can do this. So I have to choose to be grateful and thankful.

I am so thankful for my sweet adoring husband. He is an answer to my prayers.

I am so thankful for my wonderful supportive family.

I am so grateful for my best friends who are encouraging me.

I am so thankful for the resources I have been provided.  Financially I am blessed to be able to afford the doctors, medicines, etc. 

I am thankful for my doctors and nurses.  I know I am just another patient for them, but I pray for them and pray that God directs them to make wise decisions in regards to my care.

I am thankful for a God who never leaves me.  Who holds my life in His hands and knows the deepest desires of my heart.


No matter the outcome of this cycle. I know there is a plan for me.  I know this journey has a purpose.  I will trust God.

The Man With The Plan.

I skipped going back to my OBGYN,  While she is great at her job, I wanted the best of the best to help us create our family.  I don't have time to waste.  I don't have money to waste.  I have no fertility coverage so EVERYTHING is out of pocket.  OUCH.  But it's just money and we have been blessed.  It may mean we have to put off some vacations or a bigger house, but we are blessed so I am going to choose not to stress over the money. So all that being said I wanted the most bang for my buck. After tons of research I choose a very high profile RE to help me.

 My RE or Reproductive Endocronologist  is brash, hyper confident and doesn't have the best bedside manner, but I don't care.  I just want the best. So I went for my consult with him expecting a lot of talking and some options.  Yeah he looked over our medical records, said  we were both fine and said we are "unexplained".  He gave me some harsh statistics and laid out my treatment options.  He told me which one would give me the best chance and the next thing I knew I was being instructed by a nurse on how to give myself hormone injects in the stomach.  It was a whirlwind. But I have a plan.  A very aggressive plan.  I was a bit taken back at first about the aggressiveness of our plan I was expecting to tip toe into treatment with maybe a prescription for Clomid.  I wasn't expecting to cannonball into the deep end!

The PLAN
Clomid
Gonal- F (injections)
Ovidrel Trigger (injection)
Progesterone supps.
IUI ( Sometime the first week of December)

This cocktail of hormones are suppose to give us a 25% chance.  So statistically this should work within 4 tries.  But there is no guarantee.  I may not respond.  It may not be enough.  So much can go wrong.  I have to keep remembering that I can use all the technology and medicine in the world but GOD holds the keys to the future and HE alone is the Creator of life.  I will do what I can, and let go and let God.

So it begins...

I need an outlet. A healthy anonymous outlet. While I share so many things with friends and family (my husband hates that I do that BTW). I use to love to journal so I am using this as on online journal as I go through the taxing, difficult, and often sad and lonely time of trying to have a baby.

 My hope is in Jesus but I am using all the tools provided to me.  Those tools are expensive, confusing, and completely overwhelming at times. If you haven't been through it, well you don't understand it.  Infertility. Such a horrible word.  The word itself brings on so many negative sad emotions.  I hate that word, but at the moment it is a label I wear. Well I don't wear it really, but it is written on my medical charts. 

We have only been trying a  little over 6 months and yes I am aware  that that isn't that long of a time. But it seems like years sometimes. Each cycle drags on then ends with disappointment. The first few months you are excited but each new month brings on less excitement and more fear, sadness and dread. 6 months 7 cycles and... NADA.  No baby. And if I was 25 there would be no concern, but at 35 the clock is ticking and the eggs are depleting... So it is time to do something about it!