Hide and pretend you are not changed

I have written before about how this journey has changed me and of course the miscarriage profoundly changed me.  I have been broken like I never thought possible.  I have also been mended by a loving God.  I however bare scars like many other women who have gone and are going through this process.  I was sitting in a room filled with women the other day and I wondered who had the same scars. In real life you don't talk about infertility you don't talk about miscarriage but statistically I know that room had more that a few women who have been through or going through what I have.

We keep silent in our grief.  We are scared, we are fearful, we can't face the stupid questions, comments or unsolicited advice. Some people mean well, others ignorant, and others just plain mean. We have been through enough. Like someone who has been through a war and comes back and doesn't speak of it.  They know that no one can understand because they haven't been there themselves. It is easier to not talk about it.

I share with my friends and family, but they don't really know. There is a disconnect. So all you can do is pray and pour it out to God, get comfort when you can and wrestle with it in your heart and mind. Alone. You get good at hiding your scars and pretending you are fine.  You do this countless times a day. Everytime you see  a pregnancy announcement on facebook, see a pregnant woman at the store, see pictures of your friends kids, or get that baby shower invite in the mail.  There is an endless persistent need to hide and to pretend. And you do, until something or someone sets you over the edge and then you either lash out or more commonly find a quiet place to cry.  I prefer the quiet place to cry. An you cry and sob for a time, then you brush the tears away and know it won't be the last time.

I know that this doesn't exactly show the "joy" in my journey right now, but it is my truth. For this season anyways.