Acupuncture

Acupuncture.... My RE mentioned it and I quickly dismissed it.  But the more I have been reading about it that more I considering it.  The statistic are pretty good especially in conjunction with fertility treatments.  I don't "believe" in it, but it can't hurt.  The husband is all for it. I am going to dig around some more.... but I am leaning towards doing it. I am not scared of needles so there isn't a reason NOT to do it.

Release

When I got my diagnosis I didn't think it would be possible to have peace again.  But I do.  I know this is only from the grace of God. I have a Peace that it is all going to work out.  I have a Peace that I will have a child.

I am not saying it will be easy- no in fact I think this year is going to be a battle like none I have ever faced.  Harder than even my Dad's cancer most likely.  I think it will take everything I have and then some.  But I plan on battling on my knees in prayer than anything.  I will do the work, losing weight, meds, maybe even acupuncture.  I will do it all, but I want to do it with this sense of calm and Peace.  I don't think that anger, fear, stress and fret will help in any way.  Peace. Surrender. RELEASE.

Release was the word I choose in January as the word I will exemplify and work on in my life.  I knew fertility issues would be part of that word but I had NO IDEA how much it would.



“When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That’s why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless.” –Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Blessings

"Blessings" by Laura Story 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise 

Diagnosis

Thursday morning I got really bad news. Basically I have been diagnosed with DOR.  Diminished ovarian reserve- at 35.  I was diagnosed with this not because of hormone levels (which are all normal) but by my AFC or Antral Follicle Count being low for my age.  My body is not responding well enough to the fertility drugs at this moment to keep doing them.  At this point IVF isn't even on the table with my own eggs.  For now. 

The Plan:
- Optimize my body/health
I am going to see a NP who will help me shed weight quickly and give me meds, and supplements to prepare my body for injections and pregnancy.  I will also continue to work on lowering my thyroid levels even lower. The hope being we can get my body to react.  The supplements to help with egg quality and the weight reduction to help my body absorb and hopefully work with a new medicine my RE wants to try.  I will also have to cut caffeine etc... We will do this for 4-6 months and try another cycle.  It isn't guaranteed to work, but it is the best shot.

We have agreed to this plan, because it really is our only option at this point that gives us genetic children. It will also prepare my body for pregnancy in case we do IVF with my eggs, donor eggs or embryo adoption.  Whatever method God chooses I have to prepare my body.

Preparing my body will be the easy part.  Preparing my heart and head is a whole other thing.  But God has been gracious.  Thursday, I cried for hours while my loving husband held me.  It was as my heart had been ripped out of my body and every dream I ever had destroyed.  I honestly don't know how I survived the pain.  Well I do... God has given me an amazing husband. God has encouraged me and filled me with Peace.  It wasn't sudden but He has helped me breathe again.  He has helped me see that there is HOPE.  The door is not closed. I have options.  I will be a mother.

I have my moments of intense fear and doubt. I also have moments of pure peace and actual joy.  It is so weird to say this is the best time of my life and the worst time of my life at the same time.

I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone-  I don't know why I have been chosen to walk through this storm, but I know I will get a happy ending.

This pretty much sums it up today...

"The Hurt & The Healer" by MercyMe

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here

I am scared.

So cycle ended in a BFN- not suprised, but I always hold out hope.

Called to set up appointment for IUI 3.2 and they told me that my RE wants me to come in.  UM...... WHAT in the world?  I am scared.  Scared he is going to give me bad news, scared he is going to tell me IVF is my only hope. IVF seems a bit extreme, but maybe it isn't.  I am just not mentally or emotionally prepared.  Def not physically prepared. 

I thought we had at least another cycle or two before this meeting.  When I saw him at our initial consult he didn't seem worried at all about my chances, but maybe he has seen bloodwork or sonograms that makes him believe otherwise.

I am scared.