Healing

I am on the road to healing. Physically it has been a bit harder than I thought.  Still waiting to see what my body is actually doing.  The baby is gone but my body doesn't always act like it. Other days I feel completely disconnected from my own body.

Emotionally it has been WAY harder than I thought. I cry every day. I see a pregnant woman and I ask think " why did her baby live and mine die?".  It isn't a thought I am proud of but it is honest. I am avoiding other people in fear they will ask some stupid question. Although it get's a bit easier everyday I feel far from "normal". I think my favorite writer C.S Lewis sums it up best for me...

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I know the best thing I can do is press forward.  I can still grieve and move.  So I decided to see an acupuncturist.  DH and I had decided to do this before my next medicated cycle but the time seems right to go ahead.  Maybe it will help my body and my mind heal and prepare for whatever is next.  It certainly can't hurt at this point.  We also started back on our eating plan.  I only gained a pound or two, which is actually remarkable.  I just want to keep pressing on maybe if my body will do it my heart will catch up.