I am tired of complaining about winter.... so over it!
So spent the weekend snowed in for the most part. Luckily the husband and I really didn't have many plans so we just chilled, watched movies, and I played an obscene amount of Candy Crush.
We talked a lot about the future. We are too scared to actually believe we will actually ever have a real baby so every conversation is always tentative. I know by reading plenty of blogs and community boards that it is completely normal to feel this way until I have a real life baby at home in my arms. If this cycle works I will move on to fear and worry about loss etc.
I asked my husband the other day if he thought I needed therapy. It was a serious question. His response "probably". All I could do is laugh. Because after all that we have been through it was actually a stupid question to ask. I know I should. I don't know what is stopping me. This blog is the only real outlet I have. I guess I should at least look into therapy.
I have calmed down about our delay. After all what choice do I really have? It really helped that we got to go in and have a talk with Nurse T on Friday. The husband had to get some blood work done and we had a chance to sit down and express our fears and concerns. She was super great and assuring. She has full confidence in Oklahoma. I also finally got a response back from the agency coordinator. She basically blamed it all on Nurse T and gave a pretty pathetic apology. My respect for her has declined greatly but like the husband says " hopefully we don't ever have to see or talk to any of these people again".
So now we wait a couple of weeks to get started!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Delay
So I was thinking everything was starting to move on our cycle. Oklahoma was taking her pills and suppose to go in for a check on Monday and in the meantime we were getting the legal work done and preparing. Then I get an email. Not a phone call. A flippin email. That Oklahoma had an emergency and forgot her pills so now we have to start over next cycle. Oh the email also said "just a little delay of a few weeks". I was livid.
I get that things happen. I would still be upset that we are delayed but I am pissed at how it was handled. I let myself calm down and responded to the email today. Still haven't heard anything back. While this might be a little delay to the person who sent me an email it is my whole life. She needs to be more sensitive and communicate in a more professional way. With all the money we are paying we at least deserve that.
I can't dwell on it... all I can do is move forward and regroup. I am going to utilize the extra time to lose some weight and have some fun with the husband.
This weekend I think we are gonna just stay in and binge watch some movies. (Diet starts Monday LOL)
Oh and my fish died.
This week sucks.
I get that things happen. I would still be upset that we are delayed but I am pissed at how it was handled. I let myself calm down and responded to the email today. Still haven't heard anything back. While this might be a little delay to the person who sent me an email it is my whole life. She needs to be more sensitive and communicate in a more professional way. With all the money we are paying we at least deserve that.
I can't dwell on it... all I can do is move forward and regroup. I am going to utilize the extra time to lose some weight and have some fun with the husband.
This weekend I think we are gonna just stay in and binge watch some movies. (Diet starts Monday LOL)
Oh and my fish died.
This week sucks.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Dealing with the Nosy
Everyone deals with it at some time or another. Nosy questions and comments made by family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers that hurt, irk or royally piss you off. I guess it is just a part of the human experience I suppose.
When you are not dating someone you get the "Are you seeing anyone special?"
When you are dating someone you get " Is this the one?" "Do I hear wedding bells anytime soon?"
When you finally get engaged you hear observations about marriage and the questions about having a baby start to pop up.
The red hot minute you tie the knot you get flooded with the the baby questions. "So how when can we plan the baby shower?" "Will you be having kids right away?" Sigh.
Let me admit that I have been GUILTY of asking some of those kinds of questions to poor unassuming people in the past. I wish I could go back and kick my own ass for being nosy. I never intentionally meant to make anyone uncomfortable or pry or hurt. I guess I plead ignorance. I recently apologized to a dear friend whom I use to ask her on occasion if she was going to have another baby. While she did end up having another baby with no problem the point is IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS! She was cool about it, but I felt horrible.
So since I was such an idiot in the past I have to give a free pass to the people who do the same to me now. When I say free pass I mean I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't trying to be hurtful. It is not their intention to be hurtful. I generally let it go. Sure it hurts but I chalk it up mostly to nosy ignorance. That being said I do feel a sense of responsibility to their other victims out there. I give one free pass, then a polite but firm it is none of your business response. It is hard.
The longer I am in this journey my patience with this sort of bulls*it has lessened. It is seriously only by the grace of God and my fear of a women's prison ( thank you Orange is the New Black) that has kept me from punching a few folks. the folks who have used up the free pass... many times.
Case in Point: One of these lovely individuals is a coworker who I will call Doreen. Doreen works in another department but I have contact with her on a weekly basis. I always thought she was ok, a little gossipy but I can shoot the breeze with her. Problem: Doreeen loves to bring up babies and specifically when I will be having a baby. She loves to mention that " I'm not getting any younger". The first couple of times I just laughed and nervously muttered something unintelligible. Then I started just flat out ignoring her comments. Now I avoid her like the plague. I avoid because I am fearful of what might come out of my mouth should she mention this to me again. And I know she will. So why don't I just tell her off you ask? Well she loves making these comments in front of other co-workers so I am trying to hold myself together. Either a full on cuss out or tears or both are sure to follow. Perhaps even throwing of a stapler. So I avoid. So yep my big secret to dealing with the nosy is avoidance. Not exactly a brave or noble way of coping.
I know that when I do get pregnant the comments/questions will only continue. The husband and I are already coming up with an arsenal of responses. Can they send a pregnant woman to jail for assault? I think a jury of my IF peers would aquit me in a heartbeat.
When you are not dating someone you get the "Are you seeing anyone special?"
When you are dating someone you get " Is this the one?" "Do I hear wedding bells anytime soon?"
When you finally get engaged you hear observations about marriage and the questions about having a baby start to pop up.
The red hot minute you tie the knot you get flooded with the the baby questions. "So how when can we plan the baby shower?" "Will you be having kids right away?" Sigh.
Let me admit that I have been GUILTY of asking some of those kinds of questions to poor unassuming people in the past. I wish I could go back and kick my own ass for being nosy. I never intentionally meant to make anyone uncomfortable or pry or hurt. I guess I plead ignorance. I recently apologized to a dear friend whom I use to ask her on occasion if she was going to have another baby. While she did end up having another baby with no problem the point is IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS! She was cool about it, but I felt horrible.
So since I was such an idiot in the past I have to give a free pass to the people who do the same to me now. When I say free pass I mean I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't trying to be hurtful. It is not their intention to be hurtful. I generally let it go. Sure it hurts but I chalk it up mostly to nosy ignorance. That being said I do feel a sense of responsibility to their other victims out there. I give one free pass, then a polite but firm it is none of your business response. It is hard.
The longer I am in this journey my patience with this sort of bulls*it has lessened. It is seriously only by the grace of God and my fear of a women's prison ( thank you Orange is the New Black) that has kept me from punching a few folks. the folks who have used up the free pass... many times.
Case in Point: One of these lovely individuals is a coworker who I will call Doreen. Doreen works in another department but I have contact with her on a weekly basis. I always thought she was ok, a little gossipy but I can shoot the breeze with her. Problem: Doreeen loves to bring up babies and specifically when I will be having a baby. She loves to mention that " I'm not getting any younger". The first couple of times I just laughed and nervously muttered something unintelligible. Then I started just flat out ignoring her comments. Now I avoid her like the plague. I avoid because I am fearful of what might come out of my mouth should she mention this to me again. And I know she will. So why don't I just tell her off you ask? Well she loves making these comments in front of other co-workers so I am trying to hold myself together. Either a full on cuss out or tears or both are sure to follow. Perhaps even throwing of a stapler. So I avoid. So yep my big secret to dealing with the nosy is avoidance. Not exactly a brave or noble way of coping.
I know that when I do get pregnant the comments/questions will only continue. The husband and I are already coming up with an arsenal of responses. Can they send a pregnant woman to jail for assault? I think a jury of my IF peers would aquit me in a heartbeat.
Friday, February 21, 2014
2.21.14
Today is what would have been my due date for the child I lost.
2.21.14
A date forever etched in my mind and heart.
This baby was my first and may even be the only genetic baby I will ever have conceived.
I will never forget.
A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with ans early ending.
- RJ Gonazalez
Lyrics from the Song Glory Baby by Christy Nockels
Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
The crash that was enevitable
It's been a rough 24 hours. I knew this week was going to be tough with the "due date" but wow tougher than I thought.
Before writing more- I have an amazing husband and he is my everything. We have a wonderful marriage. That is all true.
All that being said. He doesn't understand what I have been through or what I am going through. He couldn't possibly. It isn't his fault. While he understands more than anyone else, it isn't his body that has a first hand account. So as much as he even thinks he understands he only gets about 80% off it. I also realize that I don't understand fully his experience in this whole thing.
Last night I came home from a very long day and I was tired and feeling a bit down. I have a million annoyances and tons of stress resting on a mountain of grief and honestly it was almost a matter of time before it all crashed down. He was being a jerk about something I felt was very insignificant and we ended up having a huge fight. I didn't handle it very well for sure but I was a bit shocked and amazed he could really do this to me this week of all weeks. It made me feel so crazy alone. So alone. I didn't even pull out the grief card because I knew it would only make the fight a million times worse. I took the blame, held my tongue, and just cried for the most part. ( He probably has a different version of that but this is my blog so I get editorial rights) I was so at a low that even all this really couldn't make me feel any worse. I already feel the worse about myself. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be on me. I don't need to be punished... I punish myself more than anyone could hurt me. It is a very dark place sometimes.
So if you are reading this you are probably wondering where int he hell is my "joy in the journey" right now. To be honest I have no freakin clue. All I can do is trust God that I will look back and see that he paved the way even through the pain. I will be honest there is no joy right now. There is a hope though and that is what gets me through the day.
My favorite author on grief:
“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Before writing more- I have an amazing husband and he is my everything. We have a wonderful marriage. That is all true.
All that being said. He doesn't understand what I have been through or what I am going through. He couldn't possibly. It isn't his fault. While he understands more than anyone else, it isn't his body that has a first hand account. So as much as he even thinks he understands he only gets about 80% off it. I also realize that I don't understand fully his experience in this whole thing.
Last night I came home from a very long day and I was tired and feeling a bit down. I have a million annoyances and tons of stress resting on a mountain of grief and honestly it was almost a matter of time before it all crashed down. He was being a jerk about something I felt was very insignificant and we ended up having a huge fight. I didn't handle it very well for sure but I was a bit shocked and amazed he could really do this to me this week of all weeks. It made me feel so crazy alone. So alone. I didn't even pull out the grief card because I knew it would only make the fight a million times worse. I took the blame, held my tongue, and just cried for the most part. ( He probably has a different version of that but this is my blog so I get editorial rights) I was so at a low that even all this really couldn't make me feel any worse. I already feel the worse about myself. I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be on me. I don't need to be punished... I punish myself more than anyone could hurt me. It is a very dark place sometimes.
So if you are reading this you are probably wondering where int he hell is my "joy in the journey" right now. To be honest I have no freakin clue. All I can do is trust God that I will look back and see that he paved the way even through the pain. I will be honest there is no joy right now. There is a hope though and that is what gets me through the day.
My favorite author on grief:
“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
What to do while waiting
Valentines Weekend was pretty non eventful. We just spent the weekend running errands and discussing our upcoming cycle. I tried to stay off the internet so I wouldn't google everything that could go wrong. I think when I am actually pregnant I may need my husband to change our wifi password at home and not tell me what it is to keep me off.
We are still freaking waiting on hearing if Oklahoma got her period or not. I was told it would be last week! WTH?! I love my RE nurse but I also know how busy she is that I could easily slip through the cracks and she forget to update me. While I don't want to bother her with calls and emails, we are paying out our asses for this cycle so I figure sending her an email last night asking for an update wasn't too pushy. She replied early this morning that she had left Oklahoma a message and was waiting to hear back. Sigh.
UPDATE: Nurse T called and Oklahoma is spotting and CD1 should be tomorrow! YIPEE
I am not a patient person. So waiting is killing me! So to help with the waiting I am trying to fill my calendar up as much as possible for the next 2 months. Like seriously I am gonna schedule the hell out of the next 8 weeks. Bring on the distractions!
We are still freaking waiting on hearing if Oklahoma got her period or not. I was told it would be last week! WTH?! I love my RE nurse but I also know how busy she is that I could easily slip through the cracks and she forget to update me. While I don't want to bother her with calls and emails, we are paying out our asses for this cycle so I figure sending her an email last night asking for an update wasn't too pushy. She replied early this morning that she had left Oklahoma a message and was waiting to hear back. Sigh.
UPDATE: Nurse T called and Oklahoma is spotting and CD1 should be tomorrow! YIPEE
I am not a patient person. So waiting is killing me! So to help with the waiting I am trying to fill my calendar up as much as possible for the next 2 months. Like seriously I am gonna schedule the hell out of the next 8 weeks. Bring on the distractions!
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Finally Shark Week!
My period has many names... this confuses my poor husband because he never knows what I am referring to.
Shark Week
Aunt FLo
Uncle Red
Crimson Wave
Bloody Mary
The Beyotch
La Sangre
After my cancelled IVF cycle I knew things could be a bit wonky. Even though I knew that being over a week late sent some crazy thoughts in my head. What if I got knocked up naturally? It is possible as I am not sterile. I would be super happy yet totally petrified though. After a couple chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage. I honestly don't think my eggs can produce a viable pregnancy. Dr. B says that isn't totally true. He said it is "possible" but give me abut a 3% chance. Well those aren't very good odds. Even if that is true I still believe in Miracles. So I believe ANYTHING is possible. I asked my husband what we would do if I did get pregnant between now and using all our embryos. He said he would be thrilled and we will just have to have more kids. I liked that answer :)
I have taken a test every couple of days and they were all negative. I did get a shadow line one morning that almost made me lose my mind. It could be a chemical that showed up for a day but I really think it was just an evap line or a faulty test. My clinic offered me provera to jump start my period but I held them off and told them I would take it if it didn't come by Monday. Last night woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom and there she was! No warning or anything! Just BAM! I took 2 Aleve went back to bed. I was so freakin happy.
I can't believe I just blogged about my period. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Waiting on Oklahoma's period now. It is ironic to me that our cycles are almost to the day. We aren't doing a fresh transfer so it doesn't matter really. Now I really never thought I would blog about my period then blogs about some strangers who I am waiting on. Oh how this isn't thought my life would be.
Shark Week
Aunt FLo
Uncle Red
Crimson Wave
Bloody Mary
The Beyotch
La Sangre
After my cancelled IVF cycle I knew things could be a bit wonky. Even though I knew that being over a week late sent some crazy thoughts in my head. What if I got knocked up naturally? It is possible as I am not sterile. I would be super happy yet totally petrified though. After a couple chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage. I honestly don't think my eggs can produce a viable pregnancy. Dr. B says that isn't totally true. He said it is "possible" but give me abut a 3% chance. Well those aren't very good odds. Even if that is true I still believe in Miracles. So I believe ANYTHING is possible. I asked my husband what we would do if I did get pregnant between now and using all our embryos. He said he would be thrilled and we will just have to have more kids. I liked that answer :)
I have taken a test every couple of days and they were all negative. I did get a shadow line one morning that almost made me lose my mind. It could be a chemical that showed up for a day but I really think it was just an evap line or a faulty test. My clinic offered me provera to jump start my period but I held them off and told them I would take it if it didn't come by Monday. Last night woke up at 3am and went to the bathroom and there she was! No warning or anything! Just BAM! I took 2 Aleve went back to bed. I was so freakin happy.
I can't believe I just blogged about my period. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Waiting on Oklahoma's period now. It is ironic to me that our cycles are almost to the day. We aren't doing a fresh transfer so it doesn't matter really. Now I really never thought I would blog about my period then blogs about some strangers who I am waiting on. Oh how this isn't thought my life would be.
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