The crash that was enevitable

It's been a rough 24 hours.  I knew this week was going to be tough with the "due date" but wow tougher than I thought.

Before writing more- I have an amazing husband and he is my everything.  We have a wonderful marriage. That is all true.

All that being said.  He doesn't understand what I have been through or what I am going through.  He couldn't possibly.  It isn't his fault.  While he understands more than anyone else, it isn't his body that has a first hand account.  So as much as he even thinks he understands he only gets about 80% off it.  I also realize that I don't understand fully his experience in this whole thing.

Last night I came home from a very long day and I was tired and feeling a bit down.  I have a million annoyances and tons of stress resting on a mountain of grief and honestly it was almost a matter of time before it all crashed down.  He was being a jerk about something I felt was very insignificant and we ended up having a huge fight. I didn't handle it very well for sure but I was a bit shocked and amazed he could really do this to me this week of all weeks. It made me feel so crazy alone.  So alone.  I didn't even pull out the grief card because I knew it would only make the fight a million times worse.  I took the blame, held my tongue, and just cried for the most part.  ( He probably has a different version of that but this is my blog so I get editorial rights)  I was so at a low that even all this really couldn't make me feel any worse.  I already feel the worse about myself.  I am harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be on me.  I don't need to be punished... I punish myself more than anyone could hurt me.  It is a very dark place sometimes.

So if you are reading this you are probably wondering where int he hell is my "joy in the journey" right now.  To be honest I have no freakin clue.  All I can do is trust God that I will look back and see that he paved the way even through the pain.  I will be honest there is no joy right now. There is a hope though and that is what gets me through the day.


My favorite author on grief:

“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed