My first pregnancy

The joy of a first pregnancy I will never know.  For mine has been nothing but sorrowful.  From the beginning this pregnancy has been full of fear.  When I first saw those beautiful two pink lines on a test I cried.  I cried for joy but I cried out of fear for I knew that something was wrong already.  I was told at first it was a chemical pregnancy. It wasn't.  As the weeks moved on and I was still pregnant I was given false hope at times, but I strived not to get attached because as the saying goes 'a mother just knows".  I was told this past week that my baby was most likely ectopic.  More fear. Last night I was told that my baby (not ectopic after all) would not survive. I now wait for the miscarriage.  I am almost 6 weeks pregnant.  The most pregnant I have ever been.  I tried not to get attached but the truth is I am.  I have a miracle inside me.  A miracle that I didn't know if I ever would get to see happen. This is a miracle, but I will never get to hold this miracle.  I didn't think I would grieve this much. I didn't think I would hurt this much or fear this much. So now I wait. Wait for my angel baby to leave my body. My first baby. I will never forget.


         A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending. – R.J. Gonzales