A Fork in the Road

So I have really sucked in updating this blog.  I think I have been both too mentally and emotionally drained to put a sentence together much less string a bunch together into something that is perhaps readable. So here is the summary of what has happened.

1.  My IVF cycle was cancelled. After 6 days of max stims I had NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING.  My estrogen levels were on the floor.  After my last scan I was worried.  Even though the nurses tried to tell me it was too soon to know, I knew.  So I had a whole weekend to process that this IVF attempt was probably futile.  After all not my first cancelled cycle I knew it was coming.  I also knew that if this happened that Dr. B was going to have another talk with me about the state of my ovaries. Sure enough I was shuffled in a room whole the nurses spoke in hush tones right outside the door.  Dr. B came in with a nurse who had bad news written all over her face.  He told me how we have tried everything and there was no point in trying again with my own ovaries. They were done.  He then asked me again about donor IVF and told me he thought this was my best option to birth a baby.  I held it together and asked for some info to take home to discuss with my husband.  He got the nurse who handles donor IVF to come talk to me.  She is my favorite nurse. They are all pretty nice but nurse T is older and just gives off this sweet maternal vibe.  She might even recognize me ( that has run across my mind because of the way she smiles at me), but I don't even care.  She told me about how successful their program was and told me of some of the recent couples who have had success.  She gave me a pricing sheet and three brochures of agencies she works with.  I took the info as tears rolled down my cheeks.  She gave me a hug.

2. So now what to do?  My DH and I have discussed all of our options numerous times in the past, but we still needed to process that this step in our plan had failed and we had a huge fork in the road. 

Child Free? We both cannot even consider this option

Try another clinic and beg them to do another IVF?  Statistically we have no hope that another one would work and we can't spend another 25,000 on a next to nothing chance.

Adoption?  I support adoption, but I feel a great need to be pregnant and give birth.  There is nothing wrong with my uterus. DH isn't as pro adoption as I am and really needs the genetic link.

Embryo Adoption? I actually love this option, but again DH and the genetic connection issue

Donor Egg IVF?  The one option we can both agree on.  Crazy expensive though.  Our families would have a hard time accepting this so we would have to keep a huge secret- perhaps forever.

And of course there is another option to consider... Try naturally.  I am not sterile.  There is a very very small chance that I could conceive on my own if we kept trying.  ( athough 2 years would say otherwise)  I know the Christian community would say this should be my only option.  I am sure I would be reminded of Sara in the Bible and hear stories about how so and so prayed for  x amount of years and finally became pregnant.  If I was a true Christian then that is what I would do.  ( except if I choose traditional adoption because that is ok since we are suppose to help orphans).  Believe me I have wrestled and struggled through the pros and cons of every option.  I know that each choice has physical, mental, emotional, financial and even spiritual impact.

 I also  know that if I was to survey my family and friends they would all have an opinion as to what we should do or what they think is "right".   The thing is they don't get a voice.  This isn't their struggle and this isn't their journey.  It is mine and DH's.   I am a soon 37 year old with crap ovaries, hormone issues, an immune disorder.  I have been poked, probed and injected with powerful drugs for two years. I have had numerous medicated cycles, cancelled cycles and a devastating miscarriage.  No one knows or gets it so why should I consider their opinions?

Our Choice
Donor Egg IVF.  While this is a line I never thought I would have to consider crossing.  I am here.  It is the choice I have made. It is a choice I have cried over countless times.  It is the option that DH and I feel that will provide us with a family.  It is a choice that will impact the rest of our lives.  We are praying that all though it is unconventional in so many ways, that it will build our family.  That we will be a family that fought for each other and that will love each other, love others and love God so freakin much that we can look back and say " It was the right choice". 

Follicles

So the picture above is not me.  I don't have those big beautiful follicles... not yet.  had my first monitoring appointment this morning and really nothing showed up.  While the nurse said it was too early, the sonographer seemed surprised. So let the worry begin!  Now I am CD5 and have had 3 days of stims.  My nurse said we should see more Monday.  Ugh.  I am reminding myself that I am praying that is isn't suppose to happen this IVF that I would rather have something go wrong early then at the end after we pay out the hooha.  To be honest I have been really negative about this cycle.  I just don't have a good feeling about it.  I am trying to put on a brave face for J but truth be told I am freaking terrified.  My mind just keeps going toward egg or embryo donation.  I think my ovaries are done.  I have no real proof of this.  Just where my mind wanders on a daily basis.   So until Monday's next appointment I will wait, try to stay busy and try to stay positive. 

This is an actual picture of my meds.  Menopur only right now.  I do 250ius ( 3 vials)  in the morning and the same at night.  Thank the Lord that I have been so blessed to receive donations from an OOP meds program.  Women have graciously donated meds to me saving us a ton of money. They are my heroes!

Christmas Time is Here... but No Baby this Year

 I love Christmas but this year... it is a bit sad and I am so tired.

My IUI was a bust.  4 eggs and nothing. I held it together pretty well for a while then had a total meltdown.  My DH even broke down and we held each other and sobbed.  It was horrible and beautiful all at the same time.  So sad but at the same time so blessed to have such an amazing man.

I met with Dr. B and we have decided it is time to go to IVF.  So conflicting.  Noone wants to go to IVF but we are actually happy that we get the chance since I wasn't even a candidate a few months ago.  We are scared.  it is so expensive.  It might not work.  So many scenarios.  I wake up at night and just go through it all in my head.

So the IVF plan:

12/24 hysteroscopy ( just what every girl wants for Christmas).  This will let Dr. B look into my uterus and make sure everything is as it should be.

1/6 Mock Trial.  Literally they pretend to put an embryo in you.  So weird.

1/15 ish I start Menopur.  heavy doses... shots morning and night later Ganirelix will be added to make sure I don't ovulate.

It will take a week or two to grow as many eggs as possible, then I will go in for my egg retrieval (so scared).  They will do ICSI (sperm injection into my eggs in the lab) then grow my embies for 5 days. They will be scanned to make sure they have all their chromosomes and the freeze them.

I will heal then get ready for a FET  where they will thaw and then transfer hopefully 2 healthy embryos  into my uterus. Yep 2! We want twins if possible.

Then we wait and pray. Oh and pay about 25k out of our savings.  Ouch.

Tis the Season to be busy!

I am a bad blogger.  It has been almost a freakin month since I last posted.  It has been freakin busy and so much has happened.  We moved into our new house and have been settling in.  It is so beautiful.  I can't believe I am so blessed to live in this dream home.  We have been iced in for a few days so we have had plenty of time to get things unpacked and decorated. Even put up the Christmas tree! 

Oh and I have been busy growing follicles!  We went forward with an IUI cycle.  Dr. B got his way and I must say I think it was for the best.  Just doing an IUI cycle with everything going on has been super tough.   My baseline sono was the BEST ONE YET!  I had more Antral follicles than I have ever had!! I actually cried on the sono table.  I started Menopur and 7 ...SEVEN follies started to grow right away.  I did injects every night and then they checked again and they were getting a little too big too fast but they cut down my meds and  they slowed down a bit.  At my IUI we had 4 mature follicles!  4!!  Although I joke with J about our quads the chance of all 4 fertilizing is like 0 percent.  Dr. B was crazy happy that I responded so well and I was beyond relieved!  And I actually have some hope.   I made Dr. B tell me the chances of this working and he said 20-25%.  Not huge percentage but we will take it! It is all in God's hands now. 

I am 8dpiui so way to early to test. I am having all kinds of "symptoms". 
-sore boobs
-cramps
-stuffy nose
-bleeding gums ( yep this is actually a symptom I had with my first pregnancy...weird.. but I could have just brushed too hard)
-gas
- insomnia! ( this one is new)
-fatigue ( well I have had insomnia  so that isn't so weird)
-emotional.  (I cried at the end of a stupid movie and for no reason at all at work.)
-dizzyness ( this morning)
- nausea ( last night before bed... vitamins?)

Now all these symptoms mean NOTHING.  I put NO stock into symptoms. I am on progesterone supps and they do mimic pregnancy symptoms.  But the hopeful part in me is like..... maybe?

Now I just have to decided when to test... my blood test id Monday.  I have family in town all weekend so I am not sure yet. Sunday at the earliest I am thinking...def Monday morning before the beta.

I have no freakin clue what I am doing.

I am a planner.... everything all planned out. About everything.  The husband and I always laugh because in our IF journey NOT ONE SINGLE THING HAS GONE ACCORDING TO PLAN.  I always say " Every time we plan God laughs at us".  I mean even when I planned on NOT getting pregnant ...I got pregnant. It is infuriating, frustrating and almost hilarious in some regards.  You would think I would learn... but I don't... I just make another plan.

For months I have planned my RE appointment that is taking place tomorrow.  I have rehearsed in my mind our conversation.  What I will say and probably what Dr. B will say.  It might as well already happened because I have planned how it is going to go in my mind for so long.  That is until today when I started mulling over that the IUI that I am planning in this scenario may not be a good idea.  That what I should be pushing for is IVF.

Since we are 100% out of pocket on fertility expenses  ( That sucks)  I need heavy doses of the meds because I am a "poor responder".  So just one IUI is going to cost us several thousand dollars. For a few thousand dollars more we could be doing IVF with MUCH higher success rates and the possibility of being able to freeze an embryo or two. ( Wishful thinking probably  but it is possible).  I could possible even get twins out of IVF which we would be thrilled with.

So why waste more money....???? 

Ah but will Dr. B let me even do IVF... that is the question.  Tomorrow do I push him to allow me to do it?  Will he want to see how I respond to the meds first?  hmmm can't forsee this in my planning... I don't even know if this is the right thing.  I have no freakin clue what to do about it.  So I am going to have to just dialogue with him...and pray that the next step taken will be the right one. 

Support

So I have posted about the support of our families before.  They are indeed as supportive as they can be without really understanding what I am going through. They try.  Sometimes they fail, sometimes they say really stupid or even hurtful things, but they ARE supportive as can be.   We also have a few close friends who we have confided in.  The circle of those who know grows bit by bit and to be honest I am ok with it.  J is much more private but even he is opening up and sharing with more and more people in his path. 

I also get most of my support and knowledge from an online community.  These women have taught me so much and I can't fathom going through this without them.  I don't " know" these ladies but they get it and they are really perhaps my biggest support to be honest. They are helpful, supportive and they don't judge. 

Tonight I am going to a RESOLVE support group meeting.  RESOLVE is the  National Infertility Association.   I have thought about attending a meeting before but never did.  Tonight is the night and I am freaking nervous.  Don't know what to expect as I have never attended a support meeting.  I am hoping to connect with other women in my same situation and also learn as much as possible. 

Also tomorrow I am meeting an old friend who is going through infertility issues.  I only know this because she started posting stuff on social media and I emailed her and told her I was also going through some fertility issues and asked if she wanted to meet up.  She jumped at the chance and we are meeting for lunch to discuss.   I have no idea where she is in her journey but I am excited to talk with her and hopefully we can support each other.

Made the Call!

Today is my amazing husbands birthday.  The love I have for this man is so monumental that no words could describe it.   I never believed in soul mates until I met him. He makes every day better...even when they totally suck.  He is my rock and on this journey he is my partner in every way.  I am so blessed.

I called and made my RE appointment today. The plan is to have a sit down with Dr. B to discuss what has happened thus far such as previous cycles, the loss, and the additional testing I have had done. Dr. B is then suppose to give me a new protocol for a medicated IUI cycle.  This may be my last shot at IUI. 

I don't know why I am so scared to see Dr. B. He is a bit intimidating, but we actually get a long pretty well.  I guess it is the association I have with him with bad news or disappointment or failure.  I mean the last few times I have been devastated and crying either due to a failed cycle or the miscarriage.  Dh and I are pretty much resigned that we are most likely going to need every resource and ART treatment known to man to get our take home baby.  We have no basis for this medically. It is just what is in our gut. So we are preparing for a long hard battle.

 I am ready physically... but not sure if I am ready emotionally.  Can you ever be prepared emotionally for the battles that come with infertility and miscarriage? In fact, I think I am more scared because of my loss because I now know what that loss feels like and I wonder if I can handle another one. The thought of that almost paralyzes me.  I get a lump in my throat and have to hold back tears when I think about it.  But I don't have a choice but to fight on and trust that God has a plan for us.