IF brain

I knew it was only a matter of time before IF brain kicked in and started making me doubt this pregnancy.   I was feeling really good about the pregnancy 2 whole days since I found out, but then last night I went to the bathroom and there was the slightest twinge of pink on the toilet paper.  Mere drops of watery watery pink.  I stopped breathing.  Now the logical calm rational non IF pregnant girl would assume it is either 1. implantation spotting which makes sense being 7 days past transfer. or 2. irritated cervix from progesterone. 

But I am not rational.  I am hormonal.  I am traumatized by the past.   This fear and trauma I have experienced in my past makes me think several things but the bottom line is I don't believe I will actually get a live baby.  I will miscarry.  Something will happen.  Not exactly a joyful journey in this pregnancy so far.  So I realize I have to make a choice.  I have to choose to TRUST and BELIEVE that God is going to take care of me and this baby/babies no matter what.  It is all out of my control.  No amount of obsessing, googling, or panicking is going to help.  God knows my path. 

I am under no false illusion that this way of thinking and believing will be easy. I am sure I will have to talk myself of a ledge daily, but I don't want to live in terror for 9 months.

Beta is Friday.