Green Light

We finally made it to our RE consult this morning!  Of course it included another round of winter weather.  The streets were like a skating rink but we don't live too far from the office and although we had a couple of scary bridges to cross they seemed to be well sanded and we actually made it in plenty of time safe and sound!


We met with Dr. B and he is very happy with Oklahoma!  Whew!  Her AFC ( Antral Follicle Count)  when he checked a few weeks ago was between 23-25!  Ummm mine at it's highest was 6.  Her bloodwork came back super and he has no hesitations about her.  So we have a lot of potential.  There is no way to know this early how many eggs we might get but he thinks close to 20 based on his experience.  Of course anything can happen.

He is all on board with us doing PGD testing to make sure we only transfer healthy embryos.  It will screen that the embryo has the right amount of chromosomes etc.  It will also tell us the genders if we choose to know that.  We choose to know!  He is pushing for a single transfer while we want a double transfer which will give us an 80% chance of twins.  ( Insert a bit of panic here)

We have a tentative schedule and are waiting on Oklahoma to start her protocol.  We should have an egg retrieval the last week of March.  We should have our transfer right before Easter.  That gives me chills just thinking about it!

So excited to finally be moving forward! 

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

This weekend hasn't been very productive.  The weather is so yucky there is no point in going outside. So that leaves me to sit on my butt and look through blogs and forums and scare the crap out of myself with all kinds of things that can go wrong in a pregnancy.  I am course know all the things that can go wrong early on, but I was reading more about late term issues. WHY THE HELL DID I READ THAT STUFF!?  I am not even pregnant yet! I am worrying now about things I shouldn't.  While I like to be informed and educated I think I need to step away from the internet. Sheesh!  I need an intervention. 

Waiting anxiously for our consultation on Tuesday.  I am praying that it doesn't get cancelled as there is another winter weather system headed our way early this week.  While I only live a few minutes from my RE, I do have to cross a bridge to get there and when it is icy I go into panic mode crossing it.  A couple of ice storms ago I saw a car spin out and hit the guardrail.  I am also waiting on my period which should be here today.  So far no sign of it.  I am trying not to read too much into that because quitting meds in the middle of a cycle no doubt messed up this month. I promised myself I wouldn't take an HPT until tomorrow morning.  That would be so my luck to be pregnant the cycle we move forward with DEIVF.  Seriously.

FInally Some News!

As I was starring outside at the mounds of snow yesterday morning, totally depressed that winter is still here, I got a call from T my nurse at the RE's office.  I was shocked to see her number as I really wasn't expecting to hear a word form her until sometime next week!  She called to tell me that Oklahoma's test results had come back and everything looked great!  We have a consultation with Dr. B on Tuesday to finalize the cycle and ask questions etc.  I realized that I was so excited for the call, that I forgot to ask some details about the testing. I am a moron.   So I sent her an email and hope to get the answers back pronto.  So next week we should be a big week to get the cycle rolling!  I won't actually get pregnant until end of April most likely but it is nice to have anything moving forward right now.

I still hate the weather.


I have been very positive the past few days.  I still hate my body for failing don't get me wrong. I am still grieving the loss of a future genetic child and certainly mourning the little one we did lose that was to be born this month.  Despite all that DH and I are dreaming and talking a lot bout babies and I even enjoy looking at baby stuff on Pinterest. Can't handle pregnant ladies though. Not sure if I ever will really.

I told DH last night that I feel a little lost. I have spent 2 years trying everything in my power to have a baby with my body.  I have obsessed so hard that now that we aren't relying on my eggs anymore it feels weird.  I don't know how to stop obsessing.  Don't get me wrong there is a huge weight off my shoulders on one hand.  I don't have the pressure... but I don't know how to adjust to NOT feeling that pressure. So weird.

Wind Knocked Out of Me

I really promised myself I wasn't going to blog about my loss anymore, but as my would have been due date is fast approaching it is getting harder to not think about it.  Today I was doing fine until I ran into a coworker who I know shared my due date.  I work for a huge company and so I rarely see her, but today I saw her 3 freaking times. She is very pregnant.  Seeing her belly and glow of anticipation is hard. I wish the best for her.  She is young and beautiful and I know her little girl will be adorable.  The last time I saw her today I was in a department she never is in and of course she walks in and all the women start gushing over her and she is telling them all about her nursery and how she is so ready etc... I had to leave. Like bolt out of there.  I literally felt the air being sucked out of me.  I felt my heart stop.  I was afraid I would literally die from the feeling.  Totally ruined my day.

While I knew that my due date would always be difficult and I know the day will never pass that I don't think about the Little One that we lost, I didn't expect what I felt today.  I thought that the blow would be lessened by my FET that would have happened this month if my cycle hadn't been cancelled.  I thought that even all the prep for the next cycle might lessen the blow.  I was under the naive assumption that I could get through it without falling apart.  I am praying I still can.  I am not so sure I can.

So over Winter!

So it snowed last night.  It was about 2 inches and not a pretty snow mind you but more of an ice/snow mixture that is really good for nothing.  Normally I would be all for any kind of wintry weather but this year I am so ready for spring! Right now I am in a season of waiting. I know my IVF was just cancelled 3 weeks ago and I just picked my donor 2 weeks ago, but geez louise time seems like it is at a freakin standstill!  Donor should cycle mid February- egg retrieval will be in early March and FET will be in early April most likely.  That seems like an eternity.

DH went and got his blood work done last week.  They just want to make sure he isn't a carrier for anything and get his blood type since we didn't know.  I tried to get any info I could from the donor nurse and coordinator about what is going on... but nothing is going on so they had nothing to tell me.  They just said "No news is good news!"  For me that isn't true though.... no news means that my mind is going crazy thinking the very worst.  We are waiting on Oklahoma ( the nickname I have given the donor since that is where she lives) to get her period so she can do her Day 3 bloodwork and get cleared to start.  She should start around the 10th so I bet I won't hear a word until sometime next week.  It is so weird that I am so concerned/interested hoping for someone else to get her period.  I haven't looked at Oklahoma's donor profile since DH and I solidified our decision.  I just didn't need to. Today I looked at it just so I could confirm her blood type.  We didn't consider this when we picked her but as DH and I were talking we realized that this could be problematic down the road.  Good news is that she has my husbands blood type so all in the clear there!  One less thing to worry about!

So to pass time all I can do is stay busy.  Work is crazy busy right now and will be for awhile.  At home I am just coming up with a list of projects to get done and making myself do it.  I am also gonna look for a new Netflix series to help keep me off the internet will I will google everything IVF/DE related for hours.  I know I should live in the moment and enjoy this time but i want to be pregnant like yesterday.

A Fork in the Road

So I have really sucked in updating this blog.  I think I have been both too mentally and emotionally drained to put a sentence together much less string a bunch together into something that is perhaps readable. So here is the summary of what has happened.

1.  My IVF cycle was cancelled. After 6 days of max stims I had NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING.  My estrogen levels were on the floor.  After my last scan I was worried.  Even though the nurses tried to tell me it was too soon to know, I knew.  So I had a whole weekend to process that this IVF attempt was probably futile.  After all not my first cancelled cycle I knew it was coming.  I also knew that if this happened that Dr. B was going to have another talk with me about the state of my ovaries. Sure enough I was shuffled in a room whole the nurses spoke in hush tones right outside the door.  Dr. B came in with a nurse who had bad news written all over her face.  He told me how we have tried everything and there was no point in trying again with my own ovaries. They were done.  He then asked me again about donor IVF and told me he thought this was my best option to birth a baby.  I held it together and asked for some info to take home to discuss with my husband.  He got the nurse who handles donor IVF to come talk to me.  She is my favorite nurse. They are all pretty nice but nurse T is older and just gives off this sweet maternal vibe.  She might even recognize me ( that has run across my mind because of the way she smiles at me), but I don't even care.  She told me about how successful their program was and told me of some of the recent couples who have had success.  She gave me a pricing sheet and three brochures of agencies she works with.  I took the info as tears rolled down my cheeks.  She gave me a hug.

2. So now what to do?  My DH and I have discussed all of our options numerous times in the past, but we still needed to process that this step in our plan had failed and we had a huge fork in the road. 

Child Free? We both cannot even consider this option

Try another clinic and beg them to do another IVF?  Statistically we have no hope that another one would work and we can't spend another 25,000 on a next to nothing chance.

Adoption?  I support adoption, but I feel a great need to be pregnant and give birth.  There is nothing wrong with my uterus. DH isn't as pro adoption as I am and really needs the genetic link.

Embryo Adoption? I actually love this option, but again DH and the genetic connection issue

Donor Egg IVF?  The one option we can both agree on.  Crazy expensive though.  Our families would have a hard time accepting this so we would have to keep a huge secret- perhaps forever.

And of course there is another option to consider... Try naturally.  I am not sterile.  There is a very very small chance that I could conceive on my own if we kept trying.  ( athough 2 years would say otherwise)  I know the Christian community would say this should be my only option.  I am sure I would be reminded of Sara in the Bible and hear stories about how so and so prayed for  x amount of years and finally became pregnant.  If I was a true Christian then that is what I would do.  ( except if I choose traditional adoption because that is ok since we are suppose to help orphans).  Believe me I have wrestled and struggled through the pros and cons of every option.  I know that each choice has physical, mental, emotional, financial and even spiritual impact.

 I also  know that if I was to survey my family and friends they would all have an opinion as to what we should do or what they think is "right".   The thing is they don't get a voice.  This isn't their struggle and this isn't their journey.  It is mine and DH's.   I am a soon 37 year old with crap ovaries, hormone issues, an immune disorder.  I have been poked, probed and injected with powerful drugs for two years. I have had numerous medicated cycles, cancelled cycles and a devastating miscarriage.  No one knows or gets it so why should I consider their opinions?

Our Choice
Donor Egg IVF.  While this is a line I never thought I would have to consider crossing.  I am here.  It is the choice I have made. It is a choice I have cried over countless times.  It is the option that DH and I feel that will provide us with a family.  It is a choice that will impact the rest of our lives.  We are praying that all though it is unconventional in so many ways, that it will build our family.  That we will be a family that fought for each other and that will love each other, love others and love God so freakin much that we can look back and say " It was the right choice". 

Follicles

So the picture above is not me.  I don't have those big beautiful follicles... not yet.  had my first monitoring appointment this morning and really nothing showed up.  While the nurse said it was too early, the sonographer seemed surprised. So let the worry begin!  Now I am CD5 and have had 3 days of stims.  My nurse said we should see more Monday.  Ugh.  I am reminding myself that I am praying that is isn't suppose to happen this IVF that I would rather have something go wrong early then at the end after we pay out the hooha.  To be honest I have been really negative about this cycle.  I just don't have a good feeling about it.  I am trying to put on a brave face for J but truth be told I am freaking terrified.  My mind just keeps going toward egg or embryo donation.  I think my ovaries are done.  I have no real proof of this.  Just where my mind wanders on a daily basis.   So until Monday's next appointment I will wait, try to stay busy and try to stay positive. 

This is an actual picture of my meds.  Menopur only right now.  I do 250ius ( 3 vials)  in the morning and the same at night.  Thank the Lord that I have been so blessed to receive donations from an OOP meds program.  Women have graciously donated meds to me saving us a ton of money. They are my heroes!